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April 30, 2006: My Ice Cream Hierarchy 1. Cold Stone Creamery®: Ice cream doesn’t get any better. 2. Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra®: It’s difficult to justify paying more than $3 for pre-packaged ice cream. Just not for this. 3. Homemade Peppermint Ice Cream: Melt the candy canes first. I can’t emphasize this enough. 4. Arby’s® Jamocha Shake: The curly fries don’t hurt, either. 5. Homemade Jamocha Ice Cream: It’s been hit or miss with this flavor for us. 6. Baskin Robbins™ Mint Chocolate Chip: Of all the brands of this flavor, this one’s my favorite. The texture and mix of the chips with the ice cream is perfect. 7. Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie™: Another B & J classic that’s worth the investment. 8. Blue Bunny® Peppermint Ice Cream: I first tried Blue Bunny’s ice cream last year and now I’m hooked. My wife loves the Bunny Tracks™ variety. As store-bought ice cream goes, you can’t go wrong with the Bunny. 9. Anything from DQ: If we lived near a DQ, then the proximity factor would probably result in a higher rating. 10. Snow cones/crushed ice with syrup: This shouldn’t be on the list, but I wanted ten items.
April 29, 2006: Get The Mansion Started To the tune of Pink’s Get The Party Started: I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started/I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started Get this mansion started I received the most votes/I’ll bring the 54-foot yacht, you bring your toy boats CBC gives me a million to spend/Got five hundred thousand from inaugural fund Let’s get renovatin’ and make this crib cool/Come splash with me in this cozy whirlpoo-oo-oo-oo-l-l-l-l-l/ I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started/I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started It needs a kitchen and 12 flat-screen tee-vees/Don’t forget the wet bar and media center, puh-lease Cut that food tax by a whopping percent/Saves ya ten bucks on ev’ry grand spent We can talk business or we can play/Game room’s down the hall and help’s on the wa-a-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started/I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion started [Fuzz guitar solo, repeat chorus, wait for 2008...]
April 26, 2006: Elevator (Re)Action We’ve all heard the Aerosmith ditty “Love in an Elevator.” But if I had to choose an alternate title for today’s post, I would call it “Hate in An Elevator.” I’m thinking of times when you’re in an elevator with someone who--when you smile and say “Hello” to him or her--utters nothing and glares at you. It’s especially nice when the person you’ve addressed recognizes you but chooses to disregard your friendly gesture. That makes for a nice elevator ride, doesn’t it? When I worked for the Unnamed Big Law Firm™, I had to take the elevator everyday. That’s because I worked on weekends as well as on the top floor of the building. After working there for a few months, I learned that there was an unwritten code of “elevator etiquette.” Reduced to its simplest form, the Unnamed Big Law Firm’s™ Unwritten Code of Elevator Etiquette involved two simple rules: 1. While in the elevator, a non-attorney never initiates conversation with an attorney; and 2. “Reverse rank” dictates priority for exiting the elevator. The first rule is the simplest. If you’re not an attorney at Unnamed Big Law Firm™, then don’t bother talking to an attorney. You’ll only receive disappointment when your “Hello” prompts a glare from the lawyer. Exceptions exist, of course, to the first rule. If you’re a non-attorney who is a spouse and/or partner who exchanges bodily fluids with the attorney, then you can probably initiate conversation. And if you’re having a heart attack, you might have grounds to say something to an attorney in the elevator. But otherwise, chances are that you’re out of luck if you’re looking for a response to your friendly hello. The second rule requires some explanation. “Reverse rank” priority for exiting the elevator means that the highest ranking attorney always leaves the elevator after everyone else has left. For example, let’s assume that it’s lunch hour and there are eleven people in the elevator who will all exit on the same floor. Let’s also assume that seven of those people are support staff (non-attorneys) and four are attorneys. Of those four attorneys, two are senior members (partners), one is a newly-hired associate and one is an attorney who has worked at the firm for ten years. When the elevator stops, the order of exit will then occur as follows: 1) Seven support staff exit; 2) Newly-hired attorney exits; 3) Attorney with ten years’ experience exits; 4) Senior attorneys exit together or, if no agreement can be reached, a coin flip will determine who exits last. Keep in mind that a person’s elevator position does not determine the person’s exit. Rather a person’s status determines the exit. For example, if the attorneys entered the elevator last and were all near the elevator’s door, they would still not exit first. Proper elevator etiquette dictates that these attorneys exit the elevator to allow the support staff to exit, and then these attorneys shall return to the elevator where their rank will then dictate their order of formal exit. This is an important rule that often caused me and others understandable confusion. On one occasion, I was in the elevator with several attorneys (the support staff had all exited) and we all looked at one another not sure of our ranks and priority of exit. Although there was ample room to exit, each of us was waiting for the other to exit first. I was not the least senior attorney (there was one less senior than I) and I knew that I could not--under the Unnamed Big Law Firm’s™ Unwritten Code of Elevator Etiquette--exit first. And there was an awkward silence as we all stood there in the elevator, with its doors slid open, waiting for someone to leave. After several minutes, I finally decided I would leave first because I was hungry and I hadn’t eaten lunch that week. I left Unnamed Big Law Firm™ years ago, and I’ve never looked back on that code of elevator etiquette. But the other day, when I got in the elevator at work and said “Hello,” to the gentleman I see several times a month in my building, the man said nothing to me. One guess what his occupation is?
April 24, 2006: The Benefits Of Marriage Wife Is Scrubs on tonight? Husband Yes, but it’s not called Scrubs and it’s a clip show.
April 22, 2006: Now Here’s A Real Donutbuzz
April 17, 2006: Five Films My friend and recent blogroll addition, The Film Geek, has a great post about five films that changed his life. Here’s my list: 1. Five Easy Pieces starring Jack Nicholson. I first watched this film in 1984 on a reel-to-reel copy. Our family didn’t own a VCR, and Dad wanted me to see this movie before I applied to college. The film contains several memorable scenes, but my favorite still involves Bobby’s attempt to order plain toast at a diner. There’s no plain toast on the menu, but Bobby asks the waitress--the perfect embodiment of a martinet--to improvise: Bobby: I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee. Bobby then takes his arm and clears the dishes off the diner table. I later developed the “five easy pieces” theme for my college application essay. To this day, whenever I do anything, I remember Bobby’s “five easy pieces” and try to challenge myself with whatever I do. I’ve also remembered that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing and I have ordered “cheese” from Taco Bell’s drive-in by requesting a taco without the shell, without the lettuce, and without the meat. 2. Risky Business starring Tom Cruise. As far as I’m concerned, Tom Cruise’s movie career begins and ends with this flick. This is the ultimate send-up of college admissions and helped hone my humor during the years when I needed it most. 3. Audrey Rose starring Anthony Hopkins. Audrey Rose may not be the greatest horror film, but it’s the one that started my thinking about the meaning of life and death. This film scared the daylights out of me when I was ten. I’m still too scared to watch it today. 4. Harlan County, USA. This is the first documentary I saw in a theater, and another film I saw with my father. The memories of this film--images of the coal miners and the strike--still resonate with me. 5. Pinocchio. Fantasia is the first film I saw. But Pinocchio is the first film I remember. As a child, I found the story haunting. This movie is the reason why I love flicks and animation.
April 14, 2006: Happy Passover Or Easter Or Whatever You’re Enjoying This Weekend
April 12, 2006: A Sty In My Eye Back in February, I noticed a sty in my right eye. I wear contact lenses, and I stopped wearing them for a few weeks. My sty vanished, and then I started wearing my contact lenses again. . . . and presto: the sty in my eye appeared. So today, I read this. Guess what company manufactures the solution I used to rinse and store my contact lenses? Although I wasn’t using this company’s newest solution, I’m now sticking with my glasses. This will no doubt please my wife, who thinks I look cute with them.
April 12, 2006: Talkin’ Baseball (Outrage Edition) I finished reading this post on executive pay from The Goat Rope, a recent addition to the ol’ blogroll. The goats reference this article on executive pay from the New York Times, which notes, in part, the following: The average pay for a chief executive increased 27 percent last year, to $11.3 million, according to a survey of 200 large companies by Pearl Meyer & Partners, the compensation practice of Clark Consulting. The median chief executive's pay was somewhat lower, at $8.4 million, for an increase of 10.3 percent over 2004. By contrast, the average wage-earner took home $43,480 in 2004, according to Commerce Department data. And recent wage data from the Labor Department suggest that workers' weekly pay, up 2.9 percent in 2005, failed to keep pace with inflation of 3.3 percent. As a baseball fan (and manager of a Yahoo! fantasy baseball team known as the “Overpaidfreeagents”), the goats’ post outrages me. This is because the Sporting News reports that the median salary for a major league baseball player is only $1 million. That means major leaguers’ average salaries--$2.9 million a year--are still more than a third less than the average pay for a CEO. And, if that were not sufficient concern for today’s major league ballplayers, consider this: Unlike CEOs, they must now undergo random testing for steroids! I have to stop typing now. I’m shaking too much from anger.
April 9, 2006: We Did It, We Did It. . . Now, Please, Shut Up! Growing up, I always had to wait for episodes of my favorite television shows. Saturdays meant Scooby Doo (the original, pre-Scrappy Doo version), The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Hour, and, of course, Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids. I loved the Scooby Doo theme, and, of course, had the hots for Daphne. I later became a Velma-man. When you’re three years old, you don’t appreciate Velma. But then you attend college and you learn that Velma has so much more going on than Daphne, plus she’s probably a freak in bed. But I digress. With the exception of Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids--which included Bill Cosby’s admonition “. . . and if you’re not careful, you may learn something. . . ” none of the cartoons I watched claimed to impart any education to anyone. I consider that ironic when I realize that were it not for What’s Opera, Doc and The Rabbit of Seville many of the familiar strains of Wagner’s The Ring of the Nibelung or Rossini’s Barber of Seville would probably not seem as familiar to me now. Quite frankly, when I do listen to The Barber of Seville, I can’t imagine not thinking of Bugs Bunny plunking Elmer Fudd into that barber chair, whipping out that straight razor, going to town on the Fudd’s face, and then exclaiming in staccato: There, you're nice and clean...although your face looks-like-it-might-have-gone-through a ma-chine And that’s before the shotgun even appears and Bugs dresses in drag. (Do I need to mention Elmer’s “Kill the Wabbit” song from What’s Opera, Doc? I think not.) Now it’s the twenty-first century, so, of course, I have my own copy of The Rabbit of Seville and What’s Opera, Doc on dvd. That’s one major advantage of living in these times: Watching my favorite, classic cartoons I suppose it wouldn’t matter if Seth and Lydia enjoyed watching Bugs Bunny as much as I did. Before we moved, Seth watched several of those classics with me. He really seemed to dig them. His favorite, Bully for Bugs, is also one of my favorites, but as much as I love that cartoon, even I cannot watch it more than three or four times in a row--which is probably ten fewer times than Seth and Lydia could watch any of their Elmo dvds or Caillou dvds or Dora The Explorer dvds. Did I mention how much I despise repeatedly watching Dora The Explorer? Given the decision between listening to Pat Buchanan deliver a speech and listening to Dora chastise Swiper with “Swiper, no swiping,” I’m not sure what I would choose, but as of now, I think I’m leaning toward Pat on C-Span1. Now I know that in the twenty-first century we don’t allow our Saturday morning cartoons to contain references to straight razors or shotguns or anvils falling on a coyote’s head. And nobody’s going to permit our Saturday morning cartoons to depict a rabbit singing Wagner--especially when he’s dressed in drag. This is 2006--not 1976--and these are perilous times. Based on what passes for Saturday morning entertainment now2, those folks in charge of children’s programming have decided that the last thing our kids should watch is some anthropomorphic rabbit with a Brooklyn accent taunting a hunter. And, so, they’ve given us Dora The Explorer. Where do I begin my attack on this DORA: WE’LL NEED THE MAP TO GET TO THE PARTY! (MUSIC PLAYS: IT’S THE MAP, IT’S THE MAP, IT’S THE MAP!) The Map appears and speaks: THE MAP: DORA NEEDS TO GO TO THE PLAYGROUND, THEN THE CIRCUS, THEN THE MUSEUM. The Map repeats the name of each area as it lights up on the screen: THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP: PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. THE MAP (in staccato): THERE, YOU’RE NICE AND CLEAN. . .ALTHOUGH YOUR FACE LOOKS-LIKE-IT-MIGHT-HAVE-GONE-THROUGH-A-MA-CHINE. Ok. Maybe I exaggerated The Map’s dialogue. In fairness to him, The Map doesn’t repeat the areas more than four or five times. But the repetition still dulls my senses, and, keep in mind that our children, especially my son, will request me to replay this same Dora dvd after an episode ends. So, in practice, if Seth wants to watch Dora three times, I will hear The Map repeat what I’ll designate the “PLAYGROUND. CIRCUS. MUSEUM. Trilogy” at least a dozen times. The best part of any Dora The Explorer episode is its ending. Dora and her pals (don’t make me type them, I’ve devoted too much time to this post as it is) dance and sing “We Did It!” After having endured three repeated viewings of Dora’s Party, I am soooooo delighted that it’s over that I get up off the couch and jump and frolic for joy and now I’m screaming along “WE DID IT! WE DID IT!” so loudly that I’m scaring Seth, but not Lydia because she’s about to fall off the couch from jumping along with me. I guess that’s the difference between today’s “children’s cartoons” and the ones I watched. In my childhood, no parent ever had to worry about me or my sister falling off the couch because mommy or daddy was giddy about a Bugs Bunny cartoon ending. As for my watching episodes of “The Three Stooges” when I was three, let’s talk about that later, ok? 1I do not mean to suggest that I would ever want or chose of my own volition to watch Pat Buchanan on C-Span. In my imagined scenario, I’m assuming that someone or something (maybe like on the mysterious island on Lost) has placed me in an abandoned hatch with a television set that airs only two shows: (1) Pat Buchanan at a prayer breakfast on C-Span; and (2) a 24-hour rotation of one Dora The Explorer episode. I must watch one for an indefinite period. The reason I would probably lean toward catching Pat on C-Span is because I will likely find unintentional humor from that, while I already know from having watched Dora several times that it fails to amuse or entertain me anymore--unintentionally or otherwise. 2Has anyone watched NBC on Saturday morning lately? What’s up with that Flight 29 program?
April 4, 2006: A Hackneyed Random Thoughts Post 1. I had sixth pick in my Yahoo! fantasy baseball league. I took Manny Ramirez as my first choice. I don’t like picking sixth (in the middle) of the draft. 2. I had a pulled pork bar-b-que sandwich yesterday with hushpuppies. It was absolutely delicious, and now I remember why I don’t keep kosher. 3. Little Debbie Easter snack cakes are kosher. Not that that matters to me. I’m just sayin’. 4. Our gas bills have averaged over $250 this winter. That means fewer impulse purchases of dvds at Target. 5. The Island, A History of Violence, and Capote really entertained me. I’m having trouble watching Girl With A Pearl Earring. 6. VH1’s pick of the Hula Hoop as the best toy ever does not reflect reality. 7. I read the short story, Brokeback Mountain. My father-in-law read it, too, and didn’t like it, but then he always tells me to read War and Peace. 8. I love my work. Read that without sarcasm. Seriously. 9. I need to take a vacation. 10. I knew I should have benched Barry Zito yesterday.
April 2, 2006: INDIGESTION ‘06: HOT DOG V. DONUT UPDATE Hot dog has 73% of the vote. I wish this were an April Fool’s day joke. But it’s April 2. Yeah, I know. Voting hasn’t closed yet. But who are we kidding? Even Dubya has a higher approval rating than donut. I guess I should make a “concession speech.” Ahem. I want to thank Jim for help with the voting and links, and everyone who voted, Some may say that this is a defeat for donut. But I say that it’s a victory for democracy. And I’m kinda glad, too, that I now have time to blog about something else.
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