April 29, 2008: An Open Letter To Arby’s

Dear Arby’s:

I dig your new chocolate turnover. I mean, I really, really dig it. It’s delicious. I want you to know that. I do. But we have a problem.

You know how your restaurant features its “5 for $5.95” menu deal? Personally, I preferred the original “5 for $5.00” promotion, but I understand that not even Arby’s truck drivers and transport systems are insulated from rising fuel prices, and I also know you have to make ends meet. Get it? You folks serve meat. Hee hee hee. I never fail to amuse myself!

Ok. I’ve digressed. Let me explain.

At lunch today, I had an incredible hankering for a couple of your chocolate turnovers. So I ordered my Arby’s roast beef sandwich, my Arby’s onion petals, my orange drink--it wasn’t a Crush, which, truthfully, is the best mass-produced orange drink available, and notice that I said “mass-produced” because the best orange drinks I’ve ever had were personally prepared by someone special in my life--and, of course, I selected the two chocolate turnovers, which really were what I wanted to eat most of all, but, hey, I was trying to go for the whole “balanced diet” bit especially since my potassium level is low and I need more fiber in my diet.

Still, as much as I dig your chocolate turnovers, let me share a secret with you: I’m not going to overpay for them. And if your “5 for $5.95” promotion menu displays a “turnover,” well, I think it’s only fair and reasonable for anyone to assume that includes your “chocolate turnover” in the deal. And, again, that’s why I ordered my two chocolate turnovers for my dessert today.

Now imagine my surprise when the cashier with the glasses and mustache tells me that I’ll “have to pay extra for the chocolate turnover.”

WHAT?

I’ll repeat: WHAT?!??!

Now, Arby’s, your promotional “5 for $5.95” menu clearly displays a photo of a “turnover.” Or at least it does at the one on Fifth Avenue in downtown Huntington, West Virginia. I’m not sure about the one on Hal Greer near the I-64 exit. I stopped going there for a reason. It’s a reason that I really don’t want to detail in this letter. Trust me, though, I swear it has absolutely nothing at all to do with Arby’s or its affiliates and/or subsidiaries (and, hey, I hear “Wendy” is gonna be your new sister! Congrats!) or its wonderful food (and, seriously, your chocolate turnover rocks!). Well, anyway, your promotional menu--you know, the one you keep on the counter that resembles a really huge placemat? It clearly shows a picture of a turnover. And it doesn’t preface the “turnover” with any description, either. It doesn’t say “apple” before “turnover” or “cherry” before “turnover” or even “chocolate” before the “turnover.” To reiterate (I like saying “reiterate” better than “repeat” even though I always feel slightly pretentious when I use it): It just shows a picture of a “turnover” with no other description. And the “turnover” on that big placemat sure looks an awful lot like the chocolate turnover I had a hankering hunger for today. Do you see where I’m going with this? Of course, you do.

Well, Arby’s, when I see a ginormous promotional placemat featuring your “5 for $5.95” menu with a picture of a “turnover” and no description, I think it’s safe to assume that the “turnover” you’re including in your “5 for $5.95” menu includes the very chocolate turnover that I’ve had an incredible hankering hunger for. I mean, I suppose I could have looked at the picture carefully and tried to determine if the actual filling depicted in the photo of the turnover on your giant placemat were, in fact, really chocolate and not apple or cherry or some other substance before I ordered it. That’s what I did only after the man wearing glasses with the mustache making minimum wage told me that I would have to pay extra for my two chocolate turnovers. You remember, those chocolate turnovers, right, Arby’s? And do you know what else, Arby’s? Do you know what else?!?

WHEN I LOOKED AT YOUR GINORMOUS PLACEMAT FEATURING YOUR FANTABULOUS “5 for $5.95” MENU I STILL COULD NOT TELL BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT WHAT KIND OF FILLING WAS REALLY IN THE TURNOVER AS PHOTOGRAPHED!!!

But, again, you didn’t have any clarifying language on your ginormous promotional placemat. Not even a frickin’ asterisk that reads something like this:

*5 for $5.95 menu does not include chocolate turnover.

OR THIS:

*Apple turnover pictured.

OR EVEN THIS:

*Add 10 cents for chocolate turnover.

I mean, seriously: Do you think that your customers aren’t going to care about paying ten (10) cents more for your chocolate turnovers? Well, I do care, Mr. and Mrs. Arby and little Wendy and I’m mad as you know what and I’m not going to take this anymore.

I’m hoping you remedy this matter soon, Arby’s. Because it’s not about the money, it’s the principle of the thing.

Ok. Maybe it’s about the money just a tiny bit.

Yeah. It’s about the money.

And don’t even get me started about not calling your potato cakes “latkes.”