December 19, 2004: Too Cold

Temperatures are in the single digits here. Thank goodness for Netflix and our three X-Files dvds tonight.

December 17, 2004: What I’m Wondering At 2:19 A.M.

When they were one month old, did Randy Johnson, Shawn Green and Javier Vazquez sleep through the night?

December 15, 2004: Please Tell Me, What Constitutes A Double Christian, a Double Muslim, and a Double Atheist?

Our local paper reports today on some Christian conservatives’ agitation with stores replacing “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays” in their promotions. The story reminded me of an exchange between me and someone who considers him/herself an educated professional upon this person’s being advised that I celebrate Chanukah:

Supposedly Educated Professional: Oh, you’re Jewish?

Me: Yes.

Supposedly Educated Professional: Well, that’s great. Jewish attorneys are the best. I definitely want a Jewish attorney. Or a Jewish doctor. When my wife had surgery, in fact, I insisted she have a Jewish doctor perform the surgery. And, you know what? He was a double Jew because he was from Israel! Heh heh heh heh heh.

Me: (Stunned silence).

December 13, 2004: Seth’s Visiting Rules

Per his request that I post them, here are Seth’s “Rules For Visiting”:

Rule #1: Leave my Elmo phone alone. Yes, I don’t prefer it to my parents’ real phones. But the Elmo phone is mine. Not yours. Mine. Give me back Elmo phone. Now. I’m going to cry now. You don’t want me to cry, do you? Oh, I see you do. Ok. I’m crying now. Thank you for leaving my Elmo phone alone.

Rule #2: Get outta my rocking chair. NOW. Because it’s mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. GET OUT! Ok. I’m going to cry, then I’m going to scream. I’M SCREAMING AT YOU NOW TO GET OUTTA MY ROCKING CHAIR!!!!! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, HUH, OTHER VISITING BABY WHO ISN’T MY SISTER? HUH? Thank you, parent of other visiting baby. You obviously possess a respect for my property rights that your visiting baby lacks.

Rule #3: Leave Elmo alone, too. NOW. Because he’s mine. Thank you, parent of other visiting baby. I only had to whimper that time.

Rule #4: I will share my cookies, raisins, and crackers with you. But only after I’ve drooled on them, and smeared them on at least eight of my fingers.

Rule #5: I will hug you as much as I want. Don’t try to stop me.

Rule #6: I will let you know if I want you to hug me.

Rule #7: If I say “kzzzzzzzzzz,” that means “yes.” Deal with it, other visiting baby.

Rule #8: “No” means “no.”

Rule #9: I reserve the right to say “no” even when I mean “yes” because it amuses me. Especially when it confuses you.

Rule #10: No Barney tapes, dvds, or other paraphernalia allowed. That’s not my rule. It’s my dad’s.

Rule #11: Gift giving, while not required of your attendance, is encouraged by the management.

Rule #12: If you bring any toys, be prepared to share them with me.

Rule #13: Rule #12 also applies to any food you bring. And I eat anything.

December 11, 2004: My First Children’s Book Will be Called Where Are Daddy’s Car Keys?

December 9, 2004: Night Owls

Lydia does not like to sleep at night. In this regard, she most emulates my sister, night owl extraordinaire.

Back in the day, before my forehead resembled a fivehead, and I could watch every episode of every one of my favorite television shows month after month, my sister and I would spend our summers watching reruns of old movies on cable, and playing video games on our Sega Genesis--especially Toe Jam and Earl. The graphics on this game, like most other games that preceded it, pale in comparison with the realistic avatars of today’s video games, but the silly antics of two aliens, one of whom looked liked a hot dog, held our interest for hours into the night.

But now Lydia’s eyes bulge open, and her nose emits little snorts. And the instant when my right foot stops rocking the chair where she rests, she reproaches me with her loud cries. Soon it will be midnight, and time for another feeding for our little girl. And for this I’m gracious. Because I now know it’s in her genes to develop my sister’s affinity for playing video games into the wee hours of the morning.

December 7, 2004: I Still Don’t Feel Like Posting A Long Tract Today Either, And I Figured That You Would Not Have Strong Objections To My Posting A Picture Of Seth’s First Haircut.

December 6, 2004: I’m A Model, You Know What I Mean, And I Do My Little Thing On The Catwalk

December 6, 2004: He’s So Much Cooler Than Keanu

December 6, 2004: Did I Hear You Say You That You Would Rather Read Another One Of My Lists Than Consider My Theory Called “The New American Serfdom”?

1. I’m not sleeping well.

2. Neither is Lydia. See Number 1.

3. I’m incredibly stressed. See Number 1.

4. Donutbuzz™ has received traffic from Japan, New Zealand, and Portugal.

5. This is how my weblog reads in Portuguese.

6. And here is the German version.

7. Did I mention I’m not sleeping well?

8. Neither is Lydia. See Numbers 1and 7.

9. I’m posting this from home.

10. I don’t have time to surf the internet from work.

11. I’m not suggesting I would surf non-work related sites or blogs from work. At least not for today.

12. So many blogs, so little time.

13. The X-Files is the best television show ever.

14. Thank you, Hilary, for loaning us the entire first season of the show.

15. If my Camry hadn’t been a pimpmobile, I could have bought the entire X-Files on dvd.

16. Buying nine seasons of any television show on dvd is not recommended for those with small, sleepless children.

17. I think I mentioned that.

18. I often wonder why the “Saved By The Bell” dvds include commentary from the cast. I suspect that most of those buying these dvds are not students of film.

19. If “Zack Morris” really existed, he would have become a successful executive at a major company with the proper parenting.

20. I hope we’re not raising any “Zack Morris” here.

21. I need some sleep. Time to go back to work.

December 4, 2004: The First Annual Donutbuzz™ Boycotts

DOW CHEMICAL COMPANY

Dow manufactures thousands of products and chemicals. This year, Dow reported $1.8 billion in profit. But thousands of its employees won’t see a bonus--or any more Dow paychecks--this holiday season. Dow’s downsizing them. 

Two close friends of ours have lost their jobs from Dow. They earned a good living from Dow. But it was nothing compared to what Dow’s chief executives earn. Do you know how many Dow employees’ salaries would equal the salary and options of all its chief executives? If we assume that a well-compensated Dow employee earned about $80,000 a year, then it took 143 of him/her to pay William Stavropoulos’ $11.44 million reported salary (as reported on Yahoo! finance) this year.

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s fire 3,000 employees and hire 20 CEO’s--who we’ll pay over $11 million each!

Dow, of course, is not the only manufacturer of household goods and chemicals. Next time you see the red Dow insignia, think twice about becoming a patron of this company.

JEOPARDY!/SONY PICTURE TELEVISION

I enjoyed watching Ken Jennings notch his victories on Jeopardy!. So did many others. One notable blogger, Jason Kottke, posted some material involving the Ken Jenning saga. Then Sony asked him to remove it. He did. Kottke reports on his legal dilemma here.

Do you think Sony considered the positive effects from Kottke’s posting? If I were producing a television show, I would encourage the fans to exchange and disseminate the good word about my production. I would certainly not want to alienate my fan base, or those who promote (i.e., offer the good word) about my show. I would certainly not complain if one of them posted a small clip, or transcript that results in no income and/or profit for the poster. But who said today’s corporations ever followed a rational thought pattern?

As Professor Larry Lessig and others have noted, today’s mass media--which includes Sony--has little or no toleration for the exchange of the culture it creates. And the mass media has no reluctance to wield its might against the lone blogger.

On the episode where Jennings lost, Jeopardy!’s first round was six categories featuring shilling the release of Seinfeld on dvd. SIX SEINFELD-RELATED CATEGORIES? Ok. . . . I have to say it now, so cover your eyes for the next sentence or obtain the approval of the nearest parent or guardian. You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me! Could Sony have devised a more heavy-handed promotion of its Seinfeld set?

I mentioned that I anticipated release of Seinfeld on dvd. Cross it off my wish list. And I’m not watching Jeopardy for a long time, either.

MAURY POVICH’S SHOW

While on the subject of television, I decided I should add this gem. Every one of Maury’s shows I see involves a paternity test. I understand that America has an endless supply of willing participants for Maury’s parade, but his parade should stop if we discontinue watching. And by watching that includes any two minute gawking during your channel surf when the program you’re watching has an endless commercial.

BARNEY

At the request of Seth and Lydia, I added Barney to the boycott. Our kids, of course, don’t know who Barney is yet. And if I have my way, they never will. I’m not going to protest if our children happen to catch a snippet of Maury’s show, but as I’ve told the babysitter, Barney is off limits in our household. And if you’re considering gifts for Seth and Lydia, I suggest you not purchase anything Barney-related. It’s only going to be burned, or sold on Ebay. Trust me.

TUNA FISH

In elementary school, I probably consumed more tuna fish sandwiches than the other two dozen kids in my class combined. I’m surprised, in fact, that my mother didn’t damage my brain with all the tuna fish she fed me for the first eighteen years of my life. But I’m not boycotting tuna fish because it contains some mercury. I’m boycotting tuna fish because I have discovered I cannot find a package or can that contains bone-free tuna.

Years ago, I never experienced the horrible sensation of biting into a tuna fish bone in a tuna sandwich. But about four years ago, I had the first of several BTE’s (“Bad Tuna Experience”), which occurred when the tuna I ate contained a bone. After spitting out aforesaid tuna bone, I stopped eating the remainder of the tuna.

I vowed that one BTE would not hinder my future consumption of tuna, however, and I kept purchasing tuna. Imagine my surprise when the next three cans of tuna I opened all contained tuna bones. Imagine my further surprise when the first bite of my tuna from these three cans of tuna resulted in three more BTE’s.

I had enough. I stopped eating tuna for three years.

Then, last week, my mom brought me two cans of tuna. I won’t mention the brand here, but my mom assured me that this tuna would not have any bones in it. I trust my mom, especially because she fed me hundreds of cans of tuna, and my mom would never intend to poison me with mercury, or instigate a BTE. So one day last week, when we had nothing else to eat in the house (resulting from our care of two kids in diapers who prevent you from shopping for food and blogging), I opened one of these cans of tuna, placed the tuna in a bowl, mixed it with mayonnaise (the only way to eat tuna, by the way), and sat down to eat. I should also mention that we had a guest who is helping to care for the kids so that we can shop for food and blog. And when I took my first, I repeat, MY VERY FIRST BITE OF TUNA, I BIT INTO A TUNA BONE, CAUSING ME TO SPIT OUT AFORESAID TUNA IN FRONT OF OUR GUEST, WHO WONDERED WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME.

So no more tuna for me.

I mean it this time, Mom.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAMES/PRODUCTS

Did it surprise anyone that Jason Giambi admitted to steroid use? Let’s have a show of hands: Who thinks Barry Bonds honestly believed that the substances he received from his trainer were not steroids? Ok. . . . You, you, and the guy in the shirt that says “Sometimes I feel like wearing a bunny costume and screaming my brains out!” You three may all watch Maury. As for the rest of you, I urge that if we want to end the hypocrisy about steroid use in MLB that we simply stop giving our hard-earned money to MLB. That means no more MLB games. Nobody needs to buy an official MLB jersey that costs close to a Benjamin. Not when the average major leaguer tops $2 million dollars.

Wait. That means William Stavropoulous earned over four times more than most major league baseball players this year.

I wonder: Do you think we can get Barry Bonds and company to join us all in a sympathy boycott against Dow?

All written material ©2004-2007 by HEG.