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Please tell us about your dining experience: expressivecynic [at]yahoo.com |
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February 26, 2007: Best. Opening. Ever. Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better. Stronger. Faster.
February 24, 2007: BREAKING NEWS--DBET 2007 Ok. Change of plan. This year’s DBET won’t feature a tournament of great television shows. That’s ridiculous. I can think of at least a dozen current shows that merit inclusion. In keeping with the tradition of favorite snackies, and given the recent overwhelming interest here, this year’s DBET--Donutbuzz™ Big Eats Tournament--will instead feature. . . . : COOKIES! And, yes, that means chocolate CHIPS.
February 24, 2007: Grasshoppers vs. Thin Mints It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost Looks like we’ll have to order some more thin mints this year and place a call to the Keebler Elves again!
February 23, 2007: How To Kill A Television Show I love Lost. But this week’s episode worries me. It was a weak episode--possibly the worst one of this season--and promised to deliver “three answers” to the program’s mysteries. I’m not sure that it answered anything. And although I still think the lesser quality episodes of Lost provide better entertainment than most anything else on television (is this still airing?), recent developments with this series have me concerned. In short, I think someone’s trying to kill my favorite television show because they seem to be following every rule for doing so: 1. Change the program’s time slot (The Star Trek TOS rule). Want to hinder a show’s success? Look to the Star Trek TOS rule first. Star Trek had loyal fans. But they weren’t going to watch on Friday night. Lost fans watched on Wednesday at eight p.m. Then they moved the show to nine p.m. Now the show airs at ten p.m. Now I realize that American Idol airs at nine p.m. on Wednesday, and I realize that American Idol is a television juggernaut that I love watching. But if I have to make a choice, I’m watching Lost, and I think its loyal fans will, too--as long as nobody gets confused with all the time changes. 2. Hiatus! Last year, many Lost fans whined when the show aired repeats during the spring. This year, the show decided to air all new episodes in the spring. The catch, though, is that ABC didn’t air any new episodes of Lost between November and February. That’s three months of the current television season, and that’s too long for the attention spans of most folks to continue with a show. 3. Confuse your audience (The Andy Kaufman rule). I’ll say this now: I will continue to watch Lost until/unless the writers kill Locke and/or Hurley. But I don’t think most fans have the patience I do. And if the writers keep promising answers that aren’t really answers to anything, then I think that Andy Kaufman’s going to be laughing somewhere when he hears how many millions of viewers Lost has. . .um. . . lost. 4. Make them think. Electromagnetism. Parallel universe. John Locke, David Hume, Jean-Jacques Rousseau. The Third Policeman. Oh, Bluto, our heads hurt! And this is really what the people want. 5. Mess with success (The Mork and Mindy rule). Mork and Mindy rocked. Then they violated The Star Trek TOS rule. Then they introduced Mearth. And then everyone stopped caring. Lost rocks when it focuses on the individual characters. But this season is rapidly becoming the “Season of Jack.” Where’s Locke? Where’s Hurley? Where’s Charley? Where’s Claire? And Jin? And Sun? And Bernard? And Rose? And Sayid? Huh? HUH? (I’m not complaining. . . . I’m just sayin’).
February 20, 2007: March Madness, Donutbuzz™ Style With March fast approaching, it’s almost time for the third annual Donutbuzz™ Big Eats Tournament. Last year, Jim was kind enough to help with the tallies, and, in an incredibly Freudian final, the (West Virginia) hot dog trounced the donut (spelled without the “ugh”) as everyone’s--and by everyone I mean maybe ten or eleven people who voted--favorite snackie. This year, the vote could be for the favorite franchise restaurants--past or present. Or, if you’re feeling really adventurous, the tournament could include something different than food. I’m thinking a 64-team field of television shows. Yeah. The more I think about it, the more I think this year’s tournament should feature favorite television shows.
February 17, 2007: My Obligatory Yearly Initial Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball Announcement In a few weeks, Yahoo! opens its fantasy baseball league. As I have done in the last few years, I’ll host a league for anyone interested in playing. It’s easy, it’s simple and, best of all, it’s free. You’ll love it! Please send me an e-mail at expressivecynic @yahoo.com. Also, let me know if you have a suggestion for the league name. Ok. It’s 24 degrees outside, and I need to go get ready for some target practice with Ted.
February 14, 2007: Love Is Never Having To Say You’re Sorry For Taking The Remote
Lost airs another new episode tonight. And it was my wife who introduced me to this show, too. It was she who watched the first few minutes of this show while I worked on the computer. Who knows? I may have been blogging. It’s scary to think that if I hadn’t met my wife that I might not be the fan of Lost that I am today. My wife doesn’t share my same devotion to flicks that I do. But she can always determine the plot twist of any film or television show we watch. If I have a theory about whodunnit on Criminal Intent, I will keep it to myself for a few minutes before testing the theory on my wife. Most, if not all of the time, she had either considered my theory or offered it earlier. She thinks it bothers me when she divulges a plot twist, but, truth told, it couldn’t make me happier. Watching American Idol wouldn’t be the same without my wife. We may have split our votes in the 2000 presidential election. We may differ on whether sushi tastes great. And we may have different opinions on saying embarrassing things to strangers at the local Kroger store. But we always agree when Simon pushes the envelope too far, and when, like last night, a contestant who showed promise in the initial audition didn’t deserve to advance to the next round given dubious vocals in Hollywood. When the third disc of the second season of Grey’s Anatomy arrived in the red Netflix envelope this afternoon, I knew it would be a great Valentine’s Day. And as they say in New Orleans, tonight’s American Idol and a new Lost are lagniappe.
February 12, 2007: Subject Header Spam Haiku I. Ventriloquism Is benzene no canberra Expert more superb II. Go go precision Rivulet at festival My territory III. Compost cyanide Is tomato tregina He boots for seafood IV. Read up on this tproud Stagnation directory Winner goutgoing I’m looking forward to next week’s batch of my bulk Yahoo! e-mails!
February 11, 2007: Sleepless In Huntington The kids didn’t sleep well last night. One hundred years from now this will not matter. But as for this morning, I am dog tired. I guess my post on blogging and the meaning of life will have to wait for another day.
February 10, 2007: Rim Shots Did this week’s Lost episode answer all our questions? Does Locke need a haircut? Is Rex Grossman the best NFL quarterback ever? Do West Virginians maintain the highest per capita incomes in the country? Do aardvarks have antlers? Are manholes square? Is marijuana legal? Do I have a full head of hair? Does your breath smell like roses in the morning? Are there dozens of Hebrew Nationals in Mel Gibson’s fridge?
February 7, 2007: Fast Food Memories I miss the Long John Silver’s “crunchies.” When my sister and I were little, we always asked for them with our meals. My sister preferred the “Peg Leg Pete” meal. I think that was two chicken drumsticks. I also enjoyed wearing the Long John Silver pirate hats. I haven’t seen those in years. You can still find a few crunchies in your seafood meals, but they’re not as plentiful as they used to be. I miss Taco Bell’s tacos circa the late 1970s. These tacos were much tastier than the currrent variety now served at finer Taco Bell restaurants everywhere. They were also packaged in brown wrappers that invariably leaked grease onto your hands no matter how carefully you unwrapped them. I miss Taco Bell’s Bellbeefer. That was great. I know Taco Bell wants us to “think outside the bun” now, but, really, Taco Bell’s Bellbeefer was better than lots of things I’ve eaten that had buns. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Taco Bell should never have abandoned it’s Taca-taca-Taco Bell! theme song. I really miss Burger Chef. Burger Chef featured the best fun meals. My favorite fun meal included the Burger Chef and Jeff Halloween record. And then there’s the tasty fish sandwich that Wendy’s once served. What happened to that? Every Sunday after I attended religious school, my mom drove us to the Washington Street Wendy’s in Charleston where I routinely ordered the fish sandwich. No other fast food franchise makes a fish sandwich as delicious as the one Wendy’s made. I have no nostalgia for McDonald’s because nothing’s changed there except the prices.
Feburary 4, 2007: Jackass Sunday So I watched Jackass Number Two. It was vile, immature, outlandish, outrageous, inane, insane, grotesque, and stupid. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Bears 24, Indianapolis 21
February 3, 2007: Does Barack Obama Dig Lost? While listening to NPR today, I heard Barack Obama compare the Democratic political field to reality television. Which “idol” will go to Hollywood? Which “survivor” will be voted off the island? As he pondered these questions aloud, I wondered if Obama really watches these shows and why our media isn’t asking our political candidates about their favorite television shows and personalities. Forget about the war in Iraq, abortion, health care funding, and immigration. We all know what the candidates think about these issues. Why isn’t the media asking the candidates this: Jack or Locke? Sheesh.
February 1, 2007: E String I broke my E string tonight. It was an accident. I can’t remember the last time that I broke a string on my guitar. It might be over seven years ago, which is when I bought the guitar that now has the missing E string. I purchased this guitar the week that I met my wife. I needed a new a guitar because I had broken my previous one. It was no accident. My dad had died, and I didn’t have need for that guitar then. Sometimes when I think about my dad, I want to smash my guitar. When I read about the trouble facing our local libraries in West Virginia, I get angry. Then I remember that smashing my guitar isn’t going to bring my dad back, that our legislators are going to increase their salaries this session, and that my kids still think I’m the cat’s pajamas when I sing them songs I make up about Snow White. I never aspired to being a rock star. I play guitar because it relaxes me. Am I a musician? No. But I think it’s groovy when someone listens to something I’ve played and enjoys it. Tonight, I needed to relax. When I play guitar now, though, I only take requests from my children. Seth usually asks me to sing about his friend “E.” “Sing a song about ‘E.’ riding my tractor.” That’s a pretty easy song for me, but I do have to think about the rhymes. Lydia, on the other hand, will ask me to sing about Ariel or Snow White or Dora. She’s obviously more of a mass media fan. I must have been strumming harder than usual this evening when the E string broke. It snapped across my right hand leaving a visible red line on my skin. It stung. I thought back to when I smashed my last guitar and remembered the anger I felt about the loss of my dad. Then I realized how much I need my guitar now and started thinking about where I’m going to buy that new E string this weekend.
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My wife has me hooked on Grey’s Anatomy. Now Grey’s Anatomy is a great show. But Grey’s Anatomy is not the kind of show that, when left to my own discretion, I would usually watch. If I’m on my own, if I have a full slate of shows on cable, and if I have only myself to worry about, then I’m going to watch Jackass reruns on MTV.