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January 31, 2008: Public Service Announcement Lost--the best show on television ever--airs tonight at 8 PM (West Virginia Time). You’re welcome.
January 29, 2008: Rash Conduct I don’t know if any of you have experienced an outbreak of hives. If you haven’t, let me just say that it stinks. It really, really stinks. Under ordinary circumstances--and by “ordinary circumstances” I mean “obstacles, difficulties and other crises that I seldom think twice about revealing here”--I would have posted about my rash. If it were up to my wife, in fact, you would have already seen the graphic digital pictures of my outbreak. I let her know that I couldn’t deal with that, but, in return, I would tell everyone that I let her call me “The Leopard” until my spots vanished. The good news is that I think I have discovered a homeopathic remedy for my hives. I went out and bought some of my favorite Golden Oreo Chocolate Creme cookies, filmed a little with our new Flip Camera, and then tinkered around with the resulting video. I don’t know if it will cure anyone else’s ills, but if it prompts anyone to try a Golden Oreo, I don’t know how that can be anything but a good thing. Indeed.
January 24, 2008: More Things That Rock--Now With 33% More Discrete Subparts! 1. Golden Oreo Chocolate Creme cookies rock. 2. Lay’s™ Hot and Spicy Barbeque potato chips rock. 3. The Colorforms from the 1970s rock. 4. View-master slides produced by GAF rock more than the Colorforms from the 1970s. 5. Shopping at Kroger when everything is on sale before the big game next week rocks, but only until you discover that you have left your Kroger card on the top of your bookshelf at home, and after that moment, it doesn’t rock one bit. 6. Seeing one of your clients at Kroger when you’re shopping without your Kroger card may or may not rock depending on the circumstances: A. If it is a client who appreciates your work, it always rocks. B. If it is a client who does not appreciate your work, it may or may not rock depending on the circumstances: (1) If the client does not see you, it does. (2) If the client sees you, it doesn’t. C. If it is a client who appreciates your work, and this client says to you “Here, take my extra Kroger card!” after you’ve told him or her that you left yours on the top of your bookshelf at home, that rocks more than eating Golden Oreo Chocolate Creme cookies while playing with your Colorform sets from the 1970s. 7. Questions with discrete subparts rock. Of course. 8. Schulz and Peanuts: A Biography rocks even after you discover some things you wish you hadn’t learned about Schulz. 9. A Boy Named Shel should have rocked, but, alas, it didn’t. 10. Using the word “alas” rocks if--and only if: A. It’s used sparingly; or B. It’s used in combination with “but”; or C. Shakespeare uses it. 11. Air conditioning rocks. 12. Variations on a theme rock for the first few years, and then it’s time to adopt something new. 13. The Flip Camera rocks, but not quite as much as air conditioning. (Sorry). 14. A basement without any kitty poop in it absolutely rocks. 15. Driving around West Virginia without any plan rocks, but not as much as it used to with the current gas prices. 16. Saying “Help is On The Way” to yourself as sarcastically as you can when you see Joe Manchin on your television set rocks. Well, for me, anyway. 17. Getting your flu shot rocks when you did not plan for it. 18. Doctors without a sense of humor do not rock, but I seriously doubt that any doctors without a sense of humor care what I think about them. 19. Rich Rodriguez rocks. I’m kidding. I just wanted to type that.
January 22, 2008: Growl! I was planning about writing about my trip to the doctor last week. Yes, you read that right. I actually visited the doctor. I don’t like it, but sometimes it has to be done. It wasn’t a major visit, and, truth told, I need to have a regular physical soon. The short story is that I am incredibly thankful for antibiotics, and flu shots give me a fever.
I’m supposed to offer three pointers on blogging and then choose five bloggers for the award. The pointers are easy, but limiting my choices to only five bloggers is not. Pointer No. 1: “The rules are there are no rules.” A few days ago, I mentioned that “other than your own comfort level, nothing limits the sharing of your ideas or experiences.” If you’re not comfortable blogging under your real identity (and many folks are not), go anonymous. Pointer No. 2: There’s nothing wrong with a break now and then. Not only are there no rules, there are no deadlines. Don’t feel obligated to post every day simply because you think that’s what blogging requires. If you want to post every day, that’s cool. That brings me to the third pointer: Pointer No. 3: Engage your readers. Bonus points for anyone who can name the movie and character who says “The rules are there are no rules.” Here are my five nominees: 1. DC Comictician. For a long time, I was a big fan of Spiderman. I even used a quote from his comic book in my last job interview. But after reading DC Comictician for the better part of a year, I now know the error of my ways and will vow only to read DC-approved comics. Thanks, DC Comictician for showing us the light and making our blog travels more enjoyable! 2. Jackie. I have to admit it: My face always frowns a little when his page loads and there’s not a new post. Thanks, Jackie! 3. Jenny. Jenny knows music and has a wonderful sense of humor. More proof that West Virginia bloggers rock. Thanks, Jenny! 4. Scarlet. Scarlet knows crafts and has an amazing knack for making things out of ordinary objects. Thanks, Scarlet! 5. Sharon. She writes and paints beautifully. If someone had nominated her for this award before, it wouldn’t surprise me. Thanks, Sharon. Ok. It think it’s time to take one of those giant horse pills of mine.
January 20, 2008: How I Spent My Sunday Morning Now, this, this is about as good as Garfield gets:
I also love this one. Actually, all of them are hilarious.
January 19, 2008: I Will Not Be Angry, I Will Not Be Angry, I Will Not Be Angry, I Will Not Be Angry, I Will Not Be Angry, I Will Not Be Angry, I Will. . . Ah, Who Am I Kidding! Remember when Governor Manchin assured us “Help Is On The Way” during his 2004 campaign? Perhaps where money for West Virginia’s libraries matters, Governor Manchin should change his mantra to “Help is on the way. . . in another two weeks. . . .” That’s what his office told the West Virginia Library Commission last November as reporter Bob Schwarz reports in today’s Charleston’s Gazette-Mail: In November, Library Commission Director J.D. Waggoner asked the governor’s office how he should spend $800,000 in special-projects money. The governor’s office told him they’d give him an answer in two weeks. Now he has asked again, and the people in the governor’s office gave the same answer: two weeks. “There shouldn’t be any problems with those funds, but here we are in the third quarter and nothing has been dispersed,” Waggoner said. Now dig this nugget from the same article: Local libraries depend heavily on the state’s per-capita funding, which hasn’t risen noticeably in more than 10 years, Waggoner said. Let’s see. Who was the previous director of the West Virginia Library Commission who oversaw funding of our libraries before Governor Gaston Caperton allowed his ouster over ten years ago? Oh, that’s right, I remember now: My dad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go write “I will not be angry.” 94 more times on some college ruled notebook paper.
January 18, 2008: Four--No Score Or Seven--Years Ago Comments are the lifeblood of a weblog. --Abraham Lincoln Four years ago, I posted my first blog entry. Well, that sure was quick. As the old adage goes, time flies when you’re having fun. I think time flies even faster when you blog. The more frequently I publish entries, the more rapidly the days and months pass--or at least that’s how it seems.
If I had to do it over again, though, there are a few things I would do differently with my blog: First, I would list sites on my blogroll in the order that I started reading them.
Third, I would not post an entry about “How to Comment” on my blog. Fourth, I would not use my own domain name so that I could post more pictures of me without a shirt. Fifth--and the final one--I would have posted more about my adventures with poop. Actually, it’s still not to late for me to do this, and before year’s end, I just may have to share one of my pooping stories here.
January 16, 2008: Daydream Sometimes I imagine I could return to the past and talk to myself. In one scenario, I picture talking to myself as a fourteen-year-old. I’d probably show up in the living room of my parents’ old house in Charleston. That living room featured dark green carpet and off-gray curtains that contained more dust than King Tut’s tomb. The couch sat against the wall under several windows, and every weekday afternoon when I returned home from junior high school, I stationed myself on that couch and plied myself with various snack foods as I played one video game after another. “Hey,” I would greet my former fourteen-year old self, “Stampede’s a pretty cool game, huh?” “Who are you?” my fourteen-year old self would likely reply. I wouldn’t initially use profanity, I figure. But I would most likely freak out a little at the sight of my forty-year old self: “Don’t freak out,” I would tell myself, “It’s ok.” “What the hell happened to my hair!” the younger me would reply. “Um. Yeah. That’s gonna start the summer of ‘87 after a girl you work with has everyone in the office compare hairlines, and you then notice how ‘baby fine’ your front hair is.” “I’m in shock.” “Yeah. Hey, did you know we have a mole on the top of the left side of our head?” My 14-year old self would probably not say anything at this juncture of the conversation. But I would continue: “When we reach twenty-five, the mole on the top of our head becomes visible. It’s pretty cool, actually, because from that point on, we can track our hair loss even easier.” “So what happens in the future? Am I happy?” “Where I come from now. . . yes.” “Am I ever gonna get laid?” “Eventually.” “When?” “I think it’s probably better for everyone involved that you don’t know the answer to that.” “Can you at least give me an estimate?” “Well, let’s put it this way. . . . we will definitely get laid before the mole on our head becomes visible.” “What’s the future like?” “It’s pretty cool. Everyone carries a portable phone, video games are now an acceptable and popular form of family entertainment, and there are over a dozen different flavors of Doritos™.” “That’s radical!” “Yeah. You can also meet people from all over the world without ever having to leave your house.” “How does that work?” “There’s this thing called the internet that anyone can use. Everyone can post their stories and pictures for complete strangers to read.” “I can’t imagine doing that.” “Yeah. Well, over the years, we apparently lost our sense of shame along with our virginity.” “Do I have a family?” “Yes.” “Who do I marry?” “She’s a very nice lady from Ohio.” “How old am I when I get married?” “When the mole on our head is completely visible.” “Are ‘we’ gonna lose all our hair?” “Probably. But don’t worry, in a couple decades you’re gonna dig wearing your hair very short. And you’ll also say ‘I dig’ a lot, but first you’ll go through a phase when you tell everyone ‘Peace’ and then that evolves into ‘Later,’ and you always sign your business letters with ‘Cordially,’ which you’ll pick up from someone you intern with in New York City.” “I live in New York City?” “For a few years. . . .” “What do I do for a living in the future?” “You practice law.” “Oh. So I make piles of money then?” “No. But a lot of people will assume it when you tell them you’re a lawyer. Oh. That reminds me. Most people will also assume you’re a woman when you answer the phone, too.” “My voice. . . doesn’t change?” “It changes. But when we get older, we still have a crappy voice. That doesn’t prevent us, though, from recording an album in law school.” “This is too strange to deal with now.” “Yeah. Sometimes I can’t believe it, either.” “Well, what about Mom and Dad and our sister? How are they?” “Um. . . .Mom and sis are ok. . . . but. . . .” “But what?!?” And this is the point in my daydream when I imagine how awful it would be to discover what I already know. So I end the daydream. There are some things that I simply can’t imagine telling myself.
January 12, 2008: I Call This One “Today’s Lunch With My Father-In-Law” Place: In the kitchen of my in-laws’ house Time: Shortly after noon Dramatis Personae: My Father-in-law [FIL], My Mother-in-law [MIL], My Wife, My Children and Me Scene: A family is eating baked chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and salad for lunch. FIL sits at one end of table, I sit at the other end. My children remain seated in between us on opposite sides of the table. My wife and MIL begin serving the strawberry cake for dessert: MIL: Would you like some birthday cake, Hoyt? Me: No, thank you. MY FIL: I don’t think you’ve ever eaten a piece of cake over here! Me: It’s nothing personal. I’m a finicky eater. FIL: But you won’t even try it! I made a carrot cake one time and you didn’t even try a piece! Me: I don’t like carrot cake. Or cakes with fruit in them. FIL: How do you know if you don’t even try it? Me: It’s nothing personal. I think you take it personally when I don’t eat the food here. MIL [to me]: Would you like some “cookies ‘n cream” ice cream? Me: Yes! MIL: How much? Me: A lot. FIL [to me]: You eat stuff from the store. But you won’t try the foods we make. Me: I don’t try some of the food Jelly-filled makes. I never eat her sweet potato casserole. I don’t like fruit. But I enjoy [MIL]’s cooking. I just ate her chicken. I like her meals. They’re great. But I’m just finicky about some foods. I won’t even eat some of the things my mom makes. FIL: Do you eat strawberries? Me: Um. Not really. It’s a texture thing. FIL: But you haven’t even tried that strawberry cake! Me: Well, you never come to Passover dinner. [Brief silence passes] My Wife [to FIL]: Have you ever eaten sushi? FIL: Goodness no! I wouldn’t touch that raw stuff! My Wife: Donutbuzz eats sushi. Me: I tell you what: Next time I visit, I’ll bring the gelfite fish. You make your carrot cake. You try some gelfite fish, I’ll try some carrot cake, and we’ll call it even. FIL: Nevermind.
January 12, 2008: YA GOTTA ROCK ‘N ROLL! I realize I’m incredibly biased here, but I suspect I’ll be repeatedly watching “YA GOTTA ROCK ‘N ROLL!” until American Idol re-boots on Tuesday. January 11, 2008: Three Letters With Exclamation Point
January 9, 2008: Buzzword Bingo (Mountain State Edition) Let me first offer my apology for my posting this so late in the day. I’ve been both busy and sick. But if you happen to read this before the Governor’s State of the State Address in a few hours, I’ve created a little “Buzzword Bingo” that I plan on using to make his speech more entertaining--at least for me, anyway. See, after some hard work and devoting some time to the ol’ blogging, I’m feeling better already! Buzzword Bingo works the same as regular Bingo. Print out a copy of the card below. Find some pennies (hey, that should prove easy with our economy here, right?) or some spare change (if you have it!), and place the change or whatever “covers” you’re using on each word as the Governor mentions it in his address tonight. Oh, and don’t forget: You get the “Governor Free Space” just for playing. If you get a bingo, remember to jump up out of your seat and shout BINGO! Note: This should also work well with his next inauguration speech if you miss playing tonight. BUZZ WORD BINGO
January 8, 2008: Did You Ever Have That Dream. . . . . . . you know, the one where you are in college, and your classmates are all taking their final exams, and you have not attended any of the classes, and then when you try to find the classrooms, you cannot locate any of them, and, sometimes, you might even be naked in this dream while you’re searching for all the classrooms and the clock’s running out and by the time you grab your number two pencil and start filling in all the circles, the professor calls “time,” and you haven’t finished, and now you’re gonna fail all the tests and you won’t earn your degree? Well, I’m wondering if Governor Manchin’s daughter ever has that dream. [Major hat tip to Hippie Killer and Lincoln Walks at Midnight for their continuing posts on this story that merits more coverage from the West Virginia press than it’s currently receiving.]
January 4, 2008: This Review Isn’t On Amazon--Popeye the Sailor: 1933-1938 When I listed my “2007 favorites” a few weeks ago, I made no mention of the Popeye the Sailor: 1933-1938 cartoon collection on dvd. It’s a glaring omission--conspicuous by its absence--and I have no legitimate excuse for not including it on my list. To make amends for my grievous oversight, I’m devoting a review extolling the virtues of Popeye the Sailor Man. This review will not consider the Popeye cartoons’ innovations, visuals, or style. None of these things matters to my children--aged four and a half and three years old--who in the past couple weeks have clamored for repeated viewing of the septuagenarian sailor over their former favorite cartoon and much younger heroine, Dora, The Explorer. What this review will consider is a brief comparison between the sailor man and the intrepid girl adventurer that, I hope, will more than amply reveal the educational merits of Popeye over the prevailing current cartoon fare (as Dora represents) that most of America’s children consume as their daily animation regimen. Theme Songs
Ok. First, this theme fails because even if you do not have attention deficit disorder or a poor memory, you cannot possibly commit it to memory. I estimate I have watched Dora re-runs over one hundred thousand times, and I have yet to learn all the Dora theme’s lyrics--which only the internet could provide. And second, you never, I repeat NEVER, want to credit your nemesis in your own theme song. Trust me, I know. I will concede, however, that the use of “Vamanos!” in Dora’s song is somewhat inspired. But Dora’s theme doesn’t impart any meaningful message, much less insight into her character.
Within its first couple bars, Popeye’s theme establishes, distills and reinforces his essence with force and immediacy. We know Popeye, we understand his motivations and--best of all--we can easily sing his theme within minutes of having first heard it. And do not forget his theme’s nutritional value: Popeye’s repeatedly encouraging healthy eating. [Note: I acknowledge some folks will contend that Popeye’s smoking a pipe, and that isn’t appropriate for kids. But Popeye doesn’t market his smokes to children, nor does he shill tobacco products. And I ask you: Is a Dora the Explorer toy made of lead any more appropriate for our kids?] Enemies
Life Approach
Conclusion Popeye remains an iconic cartoon character over seventy-five years after his introduction. Dora’s lasted eight years. I will leave you to decide if any of the now popular cartoon characters that include Dora will prompt issues of their complete collections on whatever video format exists seventy-five years from now. But if you had simply scrolled ahead here, skipped my long-winded reflection on the virtues of Popeye, and watched the 30-second video below, you already know why Popeye rocks:
January 1, 2008: How I Spent My Holiday Vacation 1. Visited with my sister. I don’t get to see my sister as often as I’d like because she’s in the Windy City. I haven’t visited her in Chi-town since late ‘99. My sister usually comes in to town three or four times a year, but it’s the rare occasion when I get to spend a couple days with her. That’s what I did this year while we both stayed at my mom’s house. When my sister’s in, our preferred entertainment consists of playing ancient Sega Genesis games. Nothing beats having Thurman Thomas rush for a couple hundred or five yards on Madden ‘93. I always take Jim Kelly and run him up the middle until the ambulance arrives on the field. Another favorite of ours is “Paperboy,” which, as the title implies, involves your navigating a kid on a bicycle as he attempts to deliver papers down a neighborhood block. The fun starts on the second level when the cats, dogs and bomb bandits interfere with your throws. And it’s groovy throwing papers through the windows of non-subscribers, too, for the bonus points. On Sunday, the sis and I caught a showing of “Walk Hard.” Now I’ve really been singing the praises of Judd Apatow here and in comments and e-mails lately. And I really liked “Walk Hard” BUT--and that’s a big BUT--this is definitely the kind of flick that’s best enjoyed with a large, appreciative audience in the theater, and our theater wasn’t full at all. The few that were there laughed heartily with us at several bits, but I can’t say that many folks are going to remember this flick as say compared with “Knocked Up” or “The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.” I haven’t seen “Superbad,” but from what my good friend posts, I have a feeling it’s much better than “Walk Hard.” I ended the visit with my sister by enjoying a dinner at the Outback. They undercooked my steak, but that’s cool because I probably needed the protein. 2. Visited with my in-laws. This visit went well, and I’m not writing that because my mother-in-law sometimes reads my blog. My visit was quiet and relaxed, plus my brother-in-law really liked his gifts. 3. Watched dvds and more dvds. While at my in-laws, I plowed through about a dozen or more episodes of “Lost’s” third season. I’m still sticking with my theory that these folks are participating in some sort of virtual reality therapy. Or it could be a video game. Who knows, and it doesn’t matter because it’s really about the characters now, and I’ve invested too much time to quit. My wife and I have also been digging “Twin Peaks” (a gift from my mom) on dvd. I can’t believe I forgot how hot Sherilyn Fenn was or when the dancing little man says to Agent Cooper “Let’s rock!” I must have subliminated that. 4. Made lox toast. Actually, I didn’t make any toast, but I did make a pretty good lox spread today. That reminds me--it’s time to watch some more Peaks and eat!
All original content copyrighted by HG 2004-2008. And it’s all original. |
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When I started posting, I had no idea how long it would last. I took a seven-week “blogbattical” in September and October of 2005. Before my break, I had posted for eighteen months, and I had not planned on resuming the blog. But I discovered blogging holds a special fascination for me because it’s the ideal form for individual expression. Other than your own comfort level, nothing limits the sharing of your ideas or experiences. So I suppose it’s only natural that someone like me--who staunchly believes in individual empowerment and expression--simply cannot quit blogging.
As I read back over my old posts, I have learned things about myself. I have also learned things about other people. And I truly believe that the more you blog, the more you reveal yourself. Although I haven’t met most bloggers in person, I feel as if I have known them for as long as I have read them. That has been the case on a few occasions when I have met some of the West Virginia bloggers for the first time. It’s like meeting an old friend that you haven’t seen in years, and the conversation still flows easily as it did when you were last together.
Second, I would post more pictures of me without a shirt.
Dora! Boots! Come on Dora! Do do do do Dora! Do do do do Dora! Do do do do Dora! Do do do do Dora! Let’s go! Dora Dora Dora the Explorer. Dora Boots and supercool exploradora! We need your help! Grab your backpack! Let’s go! Jump in! Vamanos! You can lead the way! Hey hey! Do do Dora! Do do Dora! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping (oh, man!). It’s Dora the Explorer.
I’m Popeye the Sailor Man, I’m Popeye The Sailor Man. I’m strong to the finich cause I eats my spinach. I’m Popeye the Sailor Man. (toot toot)
Meet Swiper. He’s a fox. He wears a blue mask. He digs swiping stuff. As far as schtick goes, it’s not too bad; but let’s not kid ourselves: A fox--as an old aphorism advises--has one “good trick,” and as a thief, Swiper has none. In our household, we’d designate him a 
Meet Bluto. Bluto’s a real heavy hitter. He favors sticks and stones over words because they’re not abstract and, therefore, much easier to hurl at Popeye. Words won’t stop his roundhouse punches. Popeye understands that. He knows conflict with Bluto is inevitable. The earlier children absorb this painful life lesson, the better.
Dora the Explorer’s credo can best be summed up as follows: An anthropomorphic backpack and map are essential companions to your life’s journey. It’s not an original message, but it is an impractical one if your major is not in philosophy.
In contrast to Dora’s peripatetic world view, Popeye adopts a simpler, more practical approach to life: Violence solves everything. When all else fails, Popeye starts punching. While some may not appreciate this approach in reacting to situations, we all know that it’s either “fight or flight” here. And Popeye teaches us that it is better to face your opposition and conflicts directly than not at all. Or as The Beastie Boys explained in more recent terms, “Ya gotta fight. . . . for your right. . . to paa-rrr-ty!”