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July 29, 2005: Happy Fifth Anniversary To My Wife If I were in Venice, Italy right now, I would proceed into the Piazza San Marco with my wife, take her hands, get down on my knees, and then I would bellow in my loudest screech possible for all to hear: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!! Honey, I’m sorry I don’t have a diamond and that I’m not nearly as handsome as that guy in the commercial. But I hope you’ll appreciate this cyber-bellow of my love, which should reach a couple dozen strangers and a few pigeons. Happy Fifth Anniversary from your husband!
July 28, 2005: Congressmen Gallant And Goofus
Update: I made Goofus a member of Congress, too, because I think it’s funnier that way.
July 27, 2005: Hoyt’s Quote Of The Day In a discussion with my wife this morning, I stated: “I agree with what I’m saying.” Did I mention I love Yogi Berra?
July 26, 2005: My Proposed Q & A For Judge John Roberts, Jr. Sometimes when I’m at work, I’ll imagine crazy things. Most of the time, I keep these thoughts to myself. Then there are those times when I decide to share these thoughts here. This would be one of those times. Today I imagined what I would ask Judge John Roberts, Jr. if I were allowed to question him at his confirmation hearing. I devised many questions that would allow me to understand more about the man. I also decided that if I were so privileged to have the honor of asking Judge John Roberts, Jr. questions at his hearing that I would not ask him anything that I would not--or could not--answer myself. Here then, are my twenty questions for Judge John Roberts, Jr. with how I would answer in italics: 1. Who is your favorite Supreme Court of the United States Justice and why? Justice Frank Murphy because he was a champion of civil liberties who has never received his due. 2. What is your least favorite SCOTUS opinion? That’s a tough one. Can I qualify my answers by time period? Good. Ok. . .The Dred Scott and Plessy v. Ferguson decisions tie as my least favorites from the 19th Century. Buck v. Bell (for Justice Holmes’ “three generations of imbeciles are enough” remark) and Korematsu v. United States also tie as my least favorites of the first half of the twentieth century. As far as modern decisions go, Senator, I would have to say that Bush v. Gore is currently my least favorite. 3. Who is your favorite Beatle? John. 4. What is your favorite speech from a movie about lawyering? You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna "Make A Deal"? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the sh*t out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation? --Arthur Kirkland, played by Al Pacino in And Justice For All 5. If we confirm you as a Justice this week, who do you want to play you in the movie? Paul Giamatti. 6. What is your favorite snack food? At the moment, it’s Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter ice cream. 7. Boxers or briefs? Boxers. 8. Why do you want the job as a Supreme Court Justice? It pays much better than my current gig and I would get to meet Justice Souter. 9. Tell us something unusual about yourself. I played guitar in my Bart Simpson underwear for a crowd of about one hundred people once and they cheered after my performance. 10. When you replace your roll of toilet paper, do you let it roll over or under? Over. Under is a disaster just waiting to happen. 11. Harold Baines: Hall of Fame material? I think so. He had 2,866 hits, 384 home runs, a .289 average and ranks 23rd on the all-time rbi list. 12. Judge, you have two adorable children. What’s your favorite knock-knock joke that you tell them? Knock-knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock-knock. Who’s there. Banana. Banana who? Knock-knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana. 13. What book title least captures your individual essence? Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. 14. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done while stopped at a traffic light? I don’t know if it qualifies as “weird,” Senator, but I like to dance. 15. What’s your position on weblogs without comments? Depressing. I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said that “Comments are the lifeblood of a weblog.” 16. Name your favorite record album. Getz/Gilberto. 17. Do you enjoy rollercoasters, and, if so, why? No. They’re scary. 18. What’s up with Roger Ebert giving The Village “one star” last year? I don’t know. Maybe he’s jealous of M. Night Shymalan’s success. Since Gene Siskel passed away, I haven’t agreed with Ebert much on his reviews. I don’t consult his opinion anymore. 19. Foulest food ever? Broccoli. 20. Please use “Bork,” “spork,” “fork,” and “pork” in a sentence. I painted a picture of Robert Bork refusing Kathie Lee Gifford’s offer of a fork while he was using a broken spork to eat some delicious pork.
July 24, 2005: The Pizza’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades
In case you hadn’t read Oncee’s weblog, our family convoy ventured into downtown Charleston yesterday. We had an awesome day--after we left the house, that is, but I’ll leave that to my significant other, Backpetal, to tell. The first sign that our trip outside our I assumed that if the lot next to the Ponderosa didn’t have a parking attendant that you could park for free. But on driving into the lot, we noticed the collection box with the “$3 for parking” sign. This wouldn’t have posed any problem if the collection box accepted credit cards, or $1.86 in change in lieu of $3, or an I.O.U from us that read “we’re good for this year’s $75 family membership at the Clay Center, but my husband spent most of our family’s change yesterday on the Nacho Cheese Doritos™, which were on sale for $1.88 at the Washington Street Kroger’s (and the Chex mix was 10 for $10--which, if you consider it, is pretty amazing even for a Wal*Mart, so don’t blame him)”. Is it too much to expect our city’s leadership to devise and provide free parking for its patrons of the arts? I realize that Mayor Danny Jones has bigger fish to fry in this town now. It’s not even August yet, and, in addition to considering added security measures for those extra Ben Affleck visits, he has to protect us from Joe Francis and his “Girls Gone Wild” tour bus. And, yes, I have seen “girls gone wild.” It’s called Mardi Gras, people! We found a parking space at a meter near the old Chef Dan’s restaurant, which, as those of you in Charleston know, is across from the former General Seafood restaurant, which still offers seafood at its new location in South Charleston. Call me a bald, Jewish guy, but I enjoyed Chef Dan’s and General Seafood’s food. Like Lance Kerwin’s acting career, Chef Dan’s is nowhere to be found. It was lucky for us, though, because that was one primo parking spot. Before we entered the museum, Seth enjoyed traveling along the Clay Center’s outside light posts. And I have to admit that these light fixtures held more interest for me than the sculpture with those kids and the guy who looks like the tin man. Maybe if Danny Jones isn’t too busy he can give Christo a call and see if he’ll wrap that sculpture with something on the cheap. After all, our Capitol dome’s been wrapped for what seems like years now in a sheath that resembles something that Joe Francis probably stocks on his tour bus, and if that’s not art, then I don’t know what is.
July 22, 2005: Lydia’s Toy Inventory You remember Seth’s toy inventory, right? Well, it’s time for Lydia’s:
July 21, 2005: These Reviews Aren’t On Amazon, Either Harry’s on hold this week for me because I’m relishing Perilous Times by Geoffrey Stone. Stone’s account of “free speech” in America during wartime ranks as one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read. He traces the history of the First Amendment from the 1798 Sedition Act to the present War on Terrorism. I’ve finished the first several chapters and the stories of repression against speech during World War I have astounded me. I knew about the prosecution of Eugene Debs from law school, but I never appreciated the extent of our government’s movement to stifle dissent during President Wilson’s administration. Debs served several years in prison for making remarks in a speech that do not approach the level of the spirited rhetoric you hear and see today--and none other than Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes sustained Deb’s conviction. (Justice Holmes revised his approach to free speech in later cases, but that did not avail Debs, who had to await President Harding’s commutation of his sentence in 1921. Debs never recovered from his prison stay and died a few years later.) Although I’ve checked out my copy of Perilous Times from the library, this is one book I would love to have in my own collection. I’ve added it to my wish list, and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys learning about the exercise of dissent in America. If you don’t prefer nonfiction and/or you’ve finished reading your Harry Potter book (after all, it’s been five days since its release and every blogger has had ample time to complete it and post her/his review), I’m also going to give my hearty approvals to Paul Auster’s Moon Palace and The Book of Illusions. Were it not for Lawbot, who introduced me to The Book of Illusions, chances are I would never have discovered these works, which I rank among the best contemporary fiction I’ve encountered. (To me, Moon Palace may rival J. D. Salinger’s Catcher in The Rye.) It’s ironic, too, that I should mention “chances.” That’s because Auster’s writing develops the theme of “chance” throughout his wonderful stories. He also explores isolation of the individual--so be warned if you’re looking for a shiny, happy tome. If you don’t have time to visit Amazon, your local library, or favorite brick-and-mortar retailer of books, you can always substitute one of the many excellent weblogs on the sidebar at the right for the books I’ve recommended. Phew! All this talk about reading is really exhausting. Next time, I’ll post about my favorite television shows.
July 20, 2005: This Is Shaping Up To Be One Bummer Of A Week First, my buddy hangs it up. Next, President Bush nominates Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. for the Supreme Court. Then, Scotty dies. And now this. My head hurts.
July 20, 2005: Happy Birthday To My Sister Dear Sister, Ok, I know this isn’t what you expected. But I love you very much and think you’re the cat’s pajamas. I bought you a couple cool Archie comics from a flea market this past weekend. The first is Laugh No. 251 featuring Big Ethel and Miss Grundy on the cover. The second is Laugh No. 272; it displays Big Moose about to pummel Reggie for bottle-cutting with Midge. Don’t worry. I still plan to get you this, too. Love, Your Brother
July 17, 2005: He’s Posting Pictures Of His Kids Again
On this day last year, our computer crashed and I couldn’t post for ten days. That’s the longest span I haven’t posted here. I try to post at least every two or three days, and I have over the last year. But everyone needs a break. For anyone who’s new to Donutbuzz, feel free to poke around in the archives. I’m sure there’s something there to interest/anger/amuse you. Regular visitors may also notice that I’ve added several more weblogs on the right. We have some excellent writers here in West Virginia, and if you notice a weblog you haven’t seen, I encourage you to visit the site. And please suggest your site if I haven’t added it, and I promise to add you to the list. See you next week.
July 12, 2005: We Are The Musicmakers, We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams, And We Are The Keepers Of Our Day Jobs Sharon (a.k.a. Adventures of a Domestic Engineer) has a really great post today about her piano playing. In response to one of my comments, she mentioned my former band, and I realized that I haven’t really posted much about musical adventures here. And I guess now’s as good a time as any to share them. I have not devoted many posts about my music because, truth told, I don’t consider myself much of a musician. I taught myself to play guitar in college after I tired of watching videos that often featured “air guitar” moves by the players. I figured it couldn’t be that difficult to learn guitar. I even bought a book about how to play guitar before I had one. My dad took the hint and I received my first guitar in late 1986. By law school, I had mastered the basic chords, and I could play a simple rhythm guitar. The problem, however, was that I have always been a lousy soloist and my vocal stylings (I dare not call it singing) have drawn comparisons to Jonathan Richman, Gordon Gano and Bob Dylan--which I suppose is flattering in a backhanded kind of way. During the year I worked for the local newspaper, I wrote a couple songs, which I recorded on a cheap boombox and gave to Larry Groce of Mountain Stage fame. He told me he’d give them a listen, but I couldn’t wait for his answer and I left for law school later that year. Then I met Dan. Like me, Dan had his unique vocal stylings and wrote unusual songs. But he played guitar much better than I did and owned a four-track recording machine. In the spring of 1992, I started skipping my products liability classes, and Dan and I began recording what would become our first (and only) release of our band, The Hoyts:
We recorded and mixed all the tracks in Dan’s dorm room. Dan illustrated the cover and also suggested the name of our label, Ubiquitous Records. Our friend Pam did the lettering. We spent about $250 for the studio mastering and copies of about 50 tapes, most of which we distributed to friends. After we returned from our summer vacations, we played several clubs in the New Orleans area. Although we initially played acoustic-style folk rock, we later added a drummer and switched to electric guitars. That’s not what the above tape sounds like, which I think is a shame because I really enjoyed playing the punk rock more. I loved jumping around on the stage. Playing music for an audience gives me a great rush. And I still miss it. Anyway. Here are the songs from our album American Way: Cultured Stone: I wrote this one. It’s about a young lady who lived next door to me. I had a crush on her. She didn’t have a crush on me. It’s the standard “24-year-old-guy-has-unrequited-love-for-the-Belgian-girl-next-door- and-his-sadness-prompts-him-to-write-angry-unrequited-love-song” deal. Was par for the course for me at this time in my life. Suicide Song: This is, by far, the most upbeat song on the album. Dan wrote it. Some sample lyrics: “I lit my girlfriend’s hair on fire. . .while we were trying to take a bath . . . . she left and took all my belongings. . .except for my poems by Sylvia Plath.” (By the way, Dan’s married and has two kids now. I really need to give him a call). The Ballad of Jeffrey Dahmer: I co-wrote this one with a friend. I asked him if he wanted the writing co-credit. He said, “No.” Can’t say that I blame him. Raindrops: I hate this song. We never performed it. On the Verge: This is an instrumental. After I had a friend listen to it, he supplied the title. I still have no idea what he meant. Me Decade Dude: This is my indictment of the hippies who sold out. We opened our performances with this one. The K-Mart Song: My favorite song. I gave the demo of this to Larry Groce. With all due respect to him, I think it’s better than Junk Food Junkie. Love: This is Dan’s Cultured Stone. Made in the USA: Dan also wrote this one. On one occasion when we played this song, I dropped to the floor and played guitar while on my back. The crowd of five went wild. Good thing nobody taped it. American Way: My political leanings haven’t changed much since 1992. And I’ll leave it at that. So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading about the history of The Hoyts. And if Mr. Groce reads this, I’d still love to hear your thoughts about my demo tape that I gave you.
With the help of my friend Mike, I do believe I’ve managed to syndicate January 18, 2004: Launched Donutbuzz using “website creator” package from my ISP April 18, 2004: Abandons ugly “website creator” template after figuring out how to use FTP; Designs own ugly, minimalist template June, 2004: Wastes several hours on redesign and irritates wonderful wife in process while Seth fills diaper September 6, 2004: Finally figures out how to program Haloscan comments during Mother-in-law’s visit and annoys wonderful wife in process while Seth fills diaper November 13, 2004: Lydia born; No live blogging because that would like have really pissed off my wife who was in the hospital for thirteen straight days; Many wonderful people leave nice comments, which later vanish despite my having paid Haloscan $12 for restoration of all comments January, 2005: Wastes several more hours on another redesign and again irritates wonderful wife in process while Seth and Lydia fill their diapers July 8, 2005: Discusses syndication of site with Mike while Seth and Lydia pitch major league fits and fill their diapers July 9, 2005: Syndicates site while wonderful wife mows grass and Seth and Lydia sleep
July 8, 2005: Can’t We All Get Along? Discuss.
July 7, 2005: I Like The Last Sentence Of The Second Paragraph The Best The people who govern are often far removed from the cabals that threaten the regime; the people are often remote from the sources of truth even though they live in the city where the forces that would undermine society operate. The function of the press is to explore and investigate events, inform the people what is going on, and to expose the harmful as well as the good influences at work. There is no higher function performed under our constitutional regime. Its performance means that the press is often engaged in projects that bring anxiety or even fear to the bureaucracies, departments, or officials of government. The whole weight of government is therefore often brought to bear against a paper or a reporter. A reporter is no better than his source of information. Unless he has a privilege to withhold the identity of his source, he will be the victim of governmental intrigue or aggression. If he can be summoned to testify in secret before a grand jury, his sources will dry up and the attempted exposure, the effort to enlighten the public, will be ended. If what the Court sanctions today becomes settled law, then the reporter's main function in American society will be to pass on to the public the press releases which the various departments of government issue. It is no answer to reply that the risk that a newsman will divulge one's secrets to the grand jury is no greater than the threat that he will in any event inform to the police. Even the most trustworthy reporter may not be able to withstand relentless badgering before a grand jury. --Justice William O. Douglas, dissenting in No. 70-57, United States v. Caldwell, companion case to Branzburg v. Hayes, 408 U.S. 665 (1972)(invalidating the use of the First Amendment as a defense for reporters summoned to testify before a grand jury).
As I was skimming today’s Huffington Post, I noticed that Cenk Uygur’s now one of its regular columnists. Cenk’s a great guy and writer and I’ve had the pleasure of hosting him for at least one Mardi Gras celebration during my days as a lowly law student at Tulane. A few years ago, he stopped by my house with my pal Dave (who was best man at my wedding) and we chatted about life in West Virginia while consuming some Wendy’s burgers. Cenk hosts his own radio show, and if you have Sirius satellite radio, give him a listen. He’s really good.
July 5, 2005: Hoytster’s Multiple Two(Or Fewer)-Word Phrase Movie Reviews We finished watching all The X-Files on dvd a couple weeks ago, and we’re now enjoying several films we missed over the last year or two. Rather than spend an inordinate amount of time I don’t have to write lengthy reviews, I’m offering what I call my “ Multiple Two(Or Fewer)-Word Phrase Movie Reviews” for your enjoyment. The Corporation: Yes! Right On! Oh Yeah! Tell it! Mm-hm. What? Another hour? Bedtime. Napoleon Dynamite: Chuckle. Snort. Hee-hee. Guffaw. Snicker. Over already? Damn. Open Water: Chuckle. Snort. Hee-hee. Guffaw. Uh-Oh. Oh boy. Oh Crap! Double Crap! NOOoooo!!!! SOB. SNIFF. HOLD ME. PLEASE. Sideways: Giamatti rocks. He rocks. He does. Really. Academy sucks. Buttheads. Primer: Ian enjoyed. Me too. But confused. Watch again. [Wife’s three-word review: Time machine bad.]
July 4, 2005: Spielberg Would Never Direct It, And I Wouldn’t Blame Him. . .
July 1, 2005: Department Of T-Shirts Inspired By My Wife Thanks to Lisa Binder, who has graciously offered my wife a “The government took my house and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt. (Now, if only I can find a distributor for my Bench Bunch dvd. . . .)
Why do I blog? I blog because I enjoy writing. Why do I blog? I blog because I want to share my ideas with you. Why do I blog? I blog because I like learning about web design and how to install comments on my pages. Why do I blog? I blog because I like hearing about what you have to say about what I have to say. Can you dig it? Why do I blog? I blog because I want our military men and women out of Iraq. Now. Why do I blog? I blog because I love living in West Virginia. Why do I blog? I blog because I love the occasional non-sequitur. Why do I blog? I blog because sometimes I have the urge to remind you that perception is reality. Why do I blog? I blog because I want to record things in my life for my children to read when they’re older. Why do I blog? I blog because I know I’m no Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, or Allen Ginsberg, and I don’t care. Why do I blog? I blog because I miss my father. Why do I blog? I blog because I love my wife. Why do I blog? I blog because I took several photos of my kids having fun in the pool and I have lots of server space. Why do I blog? I blog because I had an awful day at work yesterday and I need to unwind. Why do I blog? I blog because maybe if you read this you might send me an e-mail and I’ll make another friend. Why do I blog? I blog because I enjoy linking to other weblogs. Why do I blog? I blog because it makes me happy when someone takes the time to link to me. Why do I blog? I blog because I’m Jewish. Why do I blog? I blog because I love eating ice cream and potato chips. Why do I blog? I blog because sometimes I just have to say “What the fuck?” Why do I blog? I blog because although I used to think Tom Cruise was cool when I saw him in Risky Business, I don’t anymore. Why do I blog? I blog because I like reviewing movies, books and music. Why do I blog? I blog because I still watch the occasional baseball game. Why do I blog? I blog because I need to tell you again that President Bush isn’t getting the job done. Why do I blog? I blog because as much as I rant against consumerism, I accept my role as a consumer. Why do I blog? I blog because my government cannot stop me. Why do I blog? I blog because I can. To everyone who reads my drivel, I wish you a safe and happy Fourth of July weekend! Rock on!
All original material copyrighted by Donutbuzz™ Productions 2004-2007. The photographs of Dr. Zaius & Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes & Brooke Shields came from IMDB.com and I consider the use of them to qualify under fair use as parody. It sounds like parity, but that’s something else. . . |
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Congressman Gallant says: “Mr. President, I’m honored to watch you sign The Patriot Act!”
Congressman Goofus says: “Hey. . .hey, George. . .know where I can get me a pop to go with my pizza?”
