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July 31, 2006: Talkin’ Baseball (Family Edition)
But baseball’s so boring. The games take forever. OR How can you stand watching those overpaid jerks? OR
Yeah. I heard you the first 158 times. After 1994, I even vowed I would never watch another baseball game. I considered a boycott of all companies that had any involvement with major league baseball. But it couldn’t last. As much as I despised its ever increasing salaries and its scandals, baseball still continued its hold on my heart. And resistance was futile. A friend of mine--someone who does not share my fascination with baseball, much less any interest in the game--accepted my pleas to join my Yahoo! fantasy baseball league this year. She asked me what sparked my love for the game.
Yeah. That’s right. It wasn’t my dad. Sure, Dad enjoyed taking me to see the Atlanta Braves play the Giants and the Oakland A’s play the Minnesota Twins back in the summer of ‘92. That summer when we went to San Francisco, he surprised me with the tickets. But that was his present to me. He knew how much I wanted to see Puckett and Canseco and Henderson and even Quirk--because when you dig baseball as much as I do, you follow every player and you take great pleasure in watching not simply the superstars, but the players whose rookie baseball cards usually sell for no more than a couple bucks no matter how well-preserved they are or how many years have passed since their issue.
But Mom was the one who told me stories about her uncle who played minor league baseball. She taught me about the Washington Senators and Mickey Vernon, her favorite baseball player. She talked about Brooks Robinson, the greatest third baseman ever, and Rollie Fingers, who had that really neat handlebar mustache. And she bought me my first Oakland A’s baseball cap that I wore when Gene Tenace helped the A’s win one of their World Series.
For Father’s Day this year, Mom asked me several times what I wanted. I never gave her a specific answer, and when the package from Amazon arrived this past June, it contained a “Happy Father’s Day” note from Mom and Buzz Bissinger’s Three Nights In August. In hardback. I finished the book last night and I loved it. It will go on the bookshelf with my copies of Bill James’ New Historical Baseball Abstract and Politics of Glory, and, of course, Sandy Koufax, A Lefty’s Legacy.
Strike him out, I whispered in my son’s ear. STRIKE HIM OUT, he yells. And then my daughter followed with the same cry. A man a couple rows ahead of me looked back at us. He was holding a bottle of beer and sitting with his wife and son. You have to start them early, I tell him. You do, he says. You do. Man, how can you not dig this game?
July 30, 2006: The Truth Will Out (posted by Donutbabe) When I read about Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic tirade during his DUI arrest, I said, “I don’t know anything about Mel Gibson that I didn’t know five minutes ago.” I have known for quite a while that he dislikes Jews. It has been apparent since his remarks about the Holocaust. So part of me was relieved that his true nature was out in the open. But in more than one place, I’ve read remarks such as, “Gee, the guy was drunk. I hope no one holds against me what I say when I’m drunk.” Look, I understand that what he said about Jews was said under the influence of alcohol. I realize that Mel Gibson is not going to come out and say such things in public if he has his head on straight. You want to forgive his drunken tirade? Fine. Just don’t forget that the words that came out of his mouth were his. They came from his mind. He had to think them up. At best, he is struggling internally over his feelings toward Jews. He surely lived with years of the propoganda he received from his father, a Holocaust denier, and at best, he wrangles with it. At best, he tries but cannot completely let it go. But Gibson’s own remarks about the Holocaust indicate to me that he does more than just wrangle with the issue. He will not come out and say that the Holocaust happened, will not acknowledge that six million died. Don’t say he’s being loyal to his father; he could be loyal to his father without refusing to acknowledge history. By uttering a dismissive statement like, “Atrocities happened. War is horrible. The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps,” in response to the straightforward question, “The Holocaust happened, right?”, he is loyal to not only his father, but to his father’s anti-Semitism. I don’t get why people don’t see Gibson’s recent words as a big deal. I know drunk people say stupid things. That’s not the issue. The issue is that Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ was criticized for its anti-Semitic overtones, and all the while he and the film were defended vehemently by not only Gibson but Christians and clergy across the country. They attributed the criticism to paranoia or anti-Christian sentiments. Congregations were encouraged to view the film. They went in droves. I was disappointed in the Christian community when that happened. As someone who was raised Methodist and is married to a Jew and raising Jewish children, I expected more from Christians. Some people did stand up. Some clergy did speak out against anti-Semitism. For that, I was proud. I didn’t expect everyone to boycott the movie, but I did expect that more people, especially more pastors, would speak out against the idea of Jews as “Christ killers.” I expected more Christian clergy to warn of the dangers of anti-Semitism and other prejudices, to acknowledge the role that good Christian folks played in the pogroms and the Holocaust, in the countless indignities and atrocities Jews have suffered throughout history. When good people keep silent, they help the enemy kill. You know what I want? I want the people who so passionately supported Gibson and The Passion to acknowledge that the film, no matter how much they love it, no matter how much it moves them and makes them feel closer to God, was created by a human being who, while no more or less fallible than the rest of us, holds in his heart a dislike for Jews. I want them to acknowledge that their keeping silent hurt. I want them to acknowledge that the anti-Semitic message that so many Jews and others perceive in the film might be something other than godlessness or paranoia. I suppose I want too much.
July 29, 2006: Mel Gibson, Apologist Earlier today, Mel Gibson provided a lengthy statement issuing an “apology” for his drunk-driving arrest and his “despicable statements” to the deputies who arrested him. He’s stated he’s battled alcoholism his whole life. The above Yahoo! article does not mention at least two noteworthy matters: 1) Mel Gibson’s “despicable remarks” were, in truth, anti-Semitic; and 2) His father, Hutton Gibson, is widely considered to be an anti-Semite. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. If Mel Gibson suffers from it, then that’s unfortunate. But, quite frankly, I don’t think that should excuse--much less mitigate--his “despicable” remarks. Given Mel Gibson’s background when he’s sober, I believe he’s revealed his true feelings about Jewish people.
July 29, 2006: Things I Learned From My Summer Vacation 1. You Can Never Pack Too Much Underwear. When I travel, I tend to pack light. But I always obey one maxim: Pack at least one clean pair of underwear for each day of the vacation. With the exception of the summer of ‘01---and that would merit another post entirely--this rule has served me well. You simply cannot anticipate how poorly equipped some restrooms are in this country. (Do you hear me, North Carolina?) 2. The Internet Map Is Wrong. Back in the day, we used this. Now, we use this. But it doesn’t matter. Bob Dylan couldn’t figure out how to find Highway 51 with either one. Stick with the large, printed copy of ol’ reliable. 3. Let your wife’s trip planning, plotting, and preparation annoy you. The three P’s are the key to success of any family vacation. You don’t want to get lost with two screaming children in the back of your ‘99 Camry. Now that’s really annoying. 4. Never let your children play on anything that has equipment smaller than the width of your waistline. If you’re traveling to Cincinnati, Ohio with small children, and you want to treat your family to a nutritious meal AND a playland for the kids, then Mt. Orab, Ohio features what I believe is the only Subway store with a playland. The bad news is that if you have a child who secrets himself inside a playland tunnel and refuses to abandon his perch, then you may also find yourself having to climb into the playland area to retrieve your son. This may prove difficult if you’re over five feet tall and weigh more than 120 pounds. Suffice it to say that we won’t be frequenting the Mt. Orab Subway playland area for awhile. 5. Spend Like A Member Of Congress! Hey, man, it’s vacation. It isn’t everyday that you get to do cool things like watch baseball games, visit the zoo, enjoy rides at the amusement park, and, of course, partake in gluttony. Thanks to vacation, now everyone can experience the thrill of spending! Why, yes, I’ll take the hotel suite with marble bathtub and game room. And, oh yeah, send someone up with a big bowl of that lobster bisque, too! 6. No Computers. Computers = e-mail = work. 7. No Blogging Either. 8. Sleep late. Or at least until 7:00 a.m. when the kids awake. 9. Mean People Still Suck. Not everyone in the hotel has vacation. That means you will still encounter someone who tries to let the elevator door close on you and your children after he’s waited outside that same elevator with your family for several minutes. Stick your hand between the elevator doors before they close, calmly enter the elevator with your family and think happy thoughts to yourself such as “WHAT A MAJOR LEAGUE ASSHOLE!” 10. Take Pictures ‘Til Your Fingers Bleed. If you use a digital camera, don’t focus on how the pictures look. Keep taking them and enjoy the moment. 11. Plan An Activity For A Rainy Day. And, no, that doesn’t mean using the computer. 12. Remember Your Tunes. Our drive to Cincinnati lasted over three hours. For a family trip, a mix of The Philadelphia Chickens, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald, Norah Jones and Macy Gray works well. Keep in mind, though, that you’ll probably have to listen to Cows more than Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak to keep the kids from screaming. 13. Keep A Phone Card. Actually, this is a must even if you’re not on vacation. 14. Watch Sportscenter In Moderation. See rules 6 and 7. 15. Don’t Worry, Be Happy.
July 27, 2006: Guest Blogging by Donutbabe, A.K.A. The Crazy Bird Lady
Meanwhile, my husband’s laughter was becoming more and more nervous. My son whimpered, “ I want to see the gorillas!” Finally, when a lorikeet landed briefly on his head, he wailed, my husband picked him up, and we hurried out of the lorikeet exhibit. Except I couldn’t hurry. I had to get the birds off my head. Which meant putting my daughter down and prying the lorikeets’ little talons from my hair and clothing one by one. As I, finally birdless, was leaving, a young boy exclaimed, “A bird peed on me!” I consider myself to be lucky indeed.
July 27, 2006: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water. . . .
July 23, 2006: Context (Or Why I Probably Hated Clerks) This week’s release of Clerks II has resulted in some good buzz from several West Virginia bloggers. Jackie loved the Clerks sequel as did Oncee. I know the The Film Geek, Jedi Jawa, Off Route 75 and Infinity Ranch, all eagerly anticipate watching the second Clerks installment. But I’ve made it no secret that I didn’t enjoy the first Clerks. Eleven years ago, a blind date of mine and I watched Clerks. Before meeting in person, we had talked on the phone for over an hour and we seemed to share many interests. When we met in person, however, neither of us shared any interest in the other. But we still followed the conventions of social intercourse, feigned an interest in continuing the date, and headed off to the local Blockbuster to rent a flick. Then we went back to her place and opened a bottle of wine. What a mistake that was. As the tape of Clerks played, our conversation grew tiresome. And so I decided to ply myself with as much wine as my belly could tolerate--which wasn’t much. After that, the movie played much faster, and I found myself watching a talking head on CNN and asking my blind date for permission to rest on her couch because I was in absolutely no shape to drive. She obliged my request, and I estimate I spent the next three hours in her apartment. I say “estimate” because I didn’t (and still don’t) wear a watch. I do remember, however, that upon leaving her place that I told that she needn’t worry about hearing from me again. The look on her face resembled either a smirk or a smile of relief. I’ll never be sure of which, but it doesn’t matter now. It wasn’t the worst blind date I had. What I consider my worst blind date occurred at the Outback in Charleston, West Virginia. My date loved baseball. As it turned out, though, that was the only thing she enjoyed. Everything else was, as she termed it, “going to Hell in a handbasket.” So what do you think about pop music? Oh, it’s awful. It’s going to Hell in a handbasket. What television shows do you watch? I don’t watch television. The shows stink. I think it’s all going to Hell in a handbasket. Do you enjoy hiking? No, I don’t like getting sweaty. The atmosphere here is too humid. It’s going to Hell in a handbasket. And so on went our “conversation.” If you can call it that. About ten minutes after our steaks arrived, I asked the waitress to box the remaining three-quarters of my meal. Then I left the restaurant. This was the first, last and only time in my life that I refused to pay for my date’s dinner on principle. I know I’ve digressed a tiny bit, but my point is simple: Context sometimes determines my review of a film. I also think that one reason I hated Adaptation is because I was sleep-deprived when I saw it. But I still love the food at Outback.
July 22, 2006: Talkin’ Baseball (Incredibly Truncated Edition) The Detroit Tigers continue their domination. I know Ian’s happy. Frank Thomas: Hall of Fame player? I vote “yes.” Greg Maddux’s struggles convince me I made the right decision when I dropped him from my fantasy team a few weeks ago. And I hope to watch a minor league baseball game in Charleston, West Virginia this Sunday.
July 19, 2006: Top Ten Most Disturbing Fictional Movie Moments. Ever. 10. In The Company Of Men (1997). This movie’s entire premise should disturb anyone. Two male co-workers make a bet involving the seduction of a deaf woman. The film’s conclusion made me gasp. 9. A Clockwork Orange (1971). Another movie with a disturbing premise, I haven’t seen this film in years. Kubrick’s depiction of a gang’s break-in of a couple’s home and the resulting crime still makes my mind reel when I remember watching it. 8. The Green Mile (1999). Sure, it features Tom Hanks, but it also stars “Old Sparky,” the electric chair. Although it’s fictional, a prolonged electrocution scene caused me a nightmare after I saw it. 7. Scanners (1981). Don’t you just hate it when you’re presenting the topic of “scanning” to a large audience at a conference only to have an audience member scan you and cause your head to explode? 6. Monster’s Ball (2001). This one features another execution scene. It’s not nearly as graphic as The Green Mile’s, but the reaction of one of the observers during the execution is as sinister as it gets. As much as I enjoy watching Halle Berry, I can never watch this film again. 5. Last Summer (1969). This is a great coming of age film featuring Barbara Hershey. Don’t read the reviews if you don’t want to know the ending--which, of course, places Last Summer in the top five of my list. 4. American Psycho (2000). I’ve never listened to Huey Lewis’ “Hip To Be Square” the same way since that scene. 3. American Beauty (1999). Another disturbing ending, another nightmare. 2. Kids (1995). Filmed nearly twenty-five years after A Clockwork Orange, Kubricks’ vision in that film seems prescient in Kids, a film depicting urban youth in the nineties. Kids contains several disturbing moments, but the worst for me involves a realistic depiction of a beating. 1. Assault On Precinct 13 (1976, again, not the remake). It’s what follows after Kathy tells the ice cream truck driver impersonator that she asked for a vanilla twist. Deeply disturbing movie scene. (Note: The actress who played Kathy is Paris Hilton’s aunt. True story.)
July 15, 2006: This Old House Minus Bob Vila
July 14, 2006: Department Of Emperor Palpatine One of my must read weblogs, Jim’s Wabi-Sabi, had a link to a hilarious Star Wars-themed video. Even if you’re not familiar with Star Wars (and I can’t imagine that), check it out now.
July 13, 2006: Hardwood Floors, Yeah We Got That We’re in the midst of pulling up some ugly carpet here in our household. The good news is the hardwood floor underneath looks great. The bad news is our trash collection service charges extra to dispose the old carpet. Here’s a great post from Jackie that inspired us to get moving on our hardwood floor project. Ok. . . blogging break’s over. . . back to work.
July 12, 2006: The 2006 Weenie Awards They’re finally underway! I’m psyched!
July 11, 2006: When You Live On Lost Island. . . . . . you get to swim in the ocean. You can build sandcastles. You can play cards with Sawyer and help Sun tend to her garden. Locke will teach you how to hunt--until you climb into an old, crashed plane and the plane falls out of the trees. And if you get sick, Jack will find something to treat you, but make sure not to hurt yourself too badly or get shot by another castaway because Jack’s ability to work miracles on the island isn’t what it once was on the mainland. When you live on Lost island, you have to eat the Dharma Initiative brand chili and cereal. It doesn’t taste nearly as good as your homemade chili or your favorite brand of frosted flakes. You also have to use leaves as toilet paper when the Dharma Initiative’s supply of toilet paper ends. Lost island has no newspapers or televisions. There’s a record player and several dozen albums of groovy tunes--even some by Cass Elliott. You can also use the washing machine if your clothes don’t take well to ocean cleaning. Lost island also has no cars or motels or hotels. Gas doesn’t cost over $3 a gallon, either. But there’s no airport and The Others have control of the only boat and they’ll decide when you can leave. I think I’m going through some serious Lost withdrawal now.
July 9, 2006: Playtime
July 7, 2006: Disclaimer This weblog is not an information source for “how to use a chainsaw in comedy.” I am neither an amateur or professional “chainsaw-wielding comedian,” and this weblog neither endorses or condones using a chainsaw (or chainsaws) in comedy. Anyone consulting this weblog for information on use of a chainsaw (or chainsaws) in comedy should instead seek advice from a licensed physician and/or a professional, chainsaw-wielding comedian.
July 6, 2006: Big News Day New York: It’s not as liberal as you thought.
July 5, 2006: America’s Got Talent My wife and I finished watching the last half hour of America’s Got Talent on NBC. I liked this show much better when Chuck Barris was the host and everyone called it The Gong Show.
July 4, 2006: Top Twenty-Four Game Shows Continued. . . 12 - 10. Chuck Barris’ The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game and The Gong Show. Before I watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (a must-see flick), I loved watching Chuckie Baby’s game shows. Some critics called him “Chuck M. Barris” for his penchant for placing contestants in compromising situations. Many thought his shows demeaned people. But the evidence reveals Barris understood his audience better than his critics. As Ashton Kutcher and crew watch Justin Timberlake get “punk’d” and millions of Americans see contestants compete for a hamburger on an island with Jeff Probst, Chuckie Baby’s somewhere laughing at them all. He was clearly a man ahead of his time. 9. The Price Is Right. I’m not going to waste the time linking to this show. It’s an American institution. I’ve followed this game since Janice (I’ll take time to link to her) appeared. My favorite “Barker Beauty,” though, is Holly. And here are my favorite PIR games: The Mountain Climber game. I dig that yodeling song. Grocery Game. I continue to marvel at how expensive popcorn and cleaning products are in California. Hole In One. This is an excuse for Bob Barker to practice his putting. And feel free to add your favorite Happy Gilmore line here. Plinko. This is silly. But. Can’t. Stop. Watching. 8. Family Feud. Richard Dawson made this one work. Could you see someone like the current host, Richard Karn, turning this game show into the zeitgeist of the 1970s? Me either. It would have been nice, though, if “make love” wasn’t usually the possible answer to every survey question. 7. Tic Tac Dough. Before we had Jeopardy! with Alex Trebek, we watched Tic Tac Dough with Wink Martindale. And before we had Ken Jennings, we had Thom McKee. Until Jeopardy! with Trebek arrived, Tic Tac Dough offered the best trivia competition of any game show. 6. Wheel of Fortune with Chuck Woolery. I like Pat Sajak and Vanna White. But the best years of WOF occurred when Woolery hosted. I thought it was cool when the contestants shopped for the prizes--and they had to use up all their money on prizes until they could not afford one. That always meant that someone would take home a gift they’d never buy for anyone absent a game show appearance. Now there’s nothing wrong, of course, with receiving a check for $35,000, but there’s also a certain charm derived from taking home a beautiful greyhound of ceramic porcelain composition from your WOF appearance, too. 5. The Weakest Link. It was nasty. It was cruel. It was really cool while it lasted. Again, Chuckie Baby was about twenty-years too early with his game show concepts. 4. Super Password with Bert Convy. Here’s a tidbit from Convy’s Wikipedia entry: Convy claimed to have the ability to predict the sex of unborn children. Once on Super Password, he put his hands on a pregnant contestant's stomach and remarked how he had guessed correctly the sex of 19 babies in a row, including all of the actor John Ritter's children. 3. Pyramid with Dick Clark. The bonus round accounts for Pyramid’s rank in my top three. I love the challenge of describing persons, quotations, places and concepts without using direct references or descriptions of those things. The first few categories rarely posed anyone a challenge. “The stamps, the mail, mail boxes, the customers. . .” might describe “Things You Find At The Post Office.” But the top category on the pyramid usually proved difficult--like “Solid Things.” How do you describe something as “solid” in ten seconds or less without saying “solid.” Dick Clark would always suggest something that the contestant or celebrity might have used as a clue. “The Rock of Gibraltar.” Or a Ford Truck, right, Dick? 2. Jeopardy! When the clue crew leaves, it goes back to #1 on my list. 1. Match Game ‘73-’78. Gene Rayburn and his panel--Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett Somers, Fannie Flagg, Betty White, Gary Burghoff and, of course, Richard Dawson--fueled the zaniness of Match Game. They were having fun and it showed. With the exception of Rayburn, who recently died a few years ago, the above regulars are alive. It would be nice to see a reunion show. Maybe Bob Barker could host.
July 4, 2006: We’re The Kids In America
July 3, 2006: Top Twenty-Four Game Shows America: Land of the free. Home of the brave. And origin of the world’s greatest game shows ever: 24. Beat The Geeks. It didn’t last long, but it was fun while it lasted. Airing on Comedy Central, Beat The Geeks featured four--who else--geeks whose pop culture expertise included music, movies and television. The fourth geek’s knowledge varied on that selected geek for the show, and might involve a subject such as The Simpsons or comic books. Watching a geek chastise a contestant for not knowing something like the cast members of The King of Queens provided the perfect snark. 23. Remote Control. It’s 1987, I’m a junior in college and Ken Ober is the man. You remember Ken Ober, right? The host of Remote Control, the MTV game show, silly! Yes, yes. . . that’s the one where contestants sat in chairs and answered trivia questions about music and then the ones who scored the least points were yanked away in their chairs. You might even remember a young Adam Sandler, who played the “Stud Boy.” He’s in Click now--which is about. . . oh forget it. 22. Starcade. It aired in the early 1980s and featured kids and video games. And I was a kid who loved video games. The kids answered questions and played video games. If a kid scored so many points in a minute or on a certain video game, then he or she would win a full-size, operational video game. I thought that was pretty cool back then. In fact, I still think it’s pretty cool now. 21. The Hollywood Squares. Man, I really miss him. 20. Deal or No Deal. The format’s owned by a Dutch-based company and Howie Mandel’s from Canada. But watching someone gamble with hundreds of thousands of dollars is as all-American as it gets. 19. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. This is another import, and it worked well until ABC started airing several new episodes a week in primetime. Regis Philbin offered the perfect comic foil for the contestants. It was painful watching someone burn a lifeline early on an easy question, and it was equally exciting seeing someone hesitate to answer the big money question. I watched a recent syndicated show with Meredith Vieria, and I swear that the questions have increased in difficulty. 18. Card Sharks. The first Mark Goodson/Bill Todman show on my list is still a guilty pleasure to watch in re-runs. Card Sharks took Family Feud’s concept and added a Vegas twist of guessing values of playing cards. The host (either Jim Perry or Bob Eubanks depending on the year) asked the two contestants about a survey asked of 100 people such as this: We asked one hundred lawyers: Have you ever run a red light in the past year? How many admitted they had? Then the contestants would each offer an estimate and an explanation. Watching the contestants explain their guesses still makes me laugh--and sometimes the show featured a “kid week.” Can you imagine a kid answering the above question and explaining his or her reasoning? Really, Card Sharks was that good. 17. Supermarket Sweep. Hey, let’s watch everyone take shopping carts and dash around the market grabbing as many slabs of beef, turkeys and canned goods as they can in five minutes! It’s not looting. It’s Supermarket Sweep! 16. Joker’s Wild. Joker. Joker. JOKER!!! 15. Sale of The Century. Jim Perry was pretty big in the early eighties game show world. As good as he was on Card Sharks, his gig on SOTC was better. Contestants would answer trivia questions and receive points for correct answers. But here’s the catch: Perry would offer the contestant with the lead a prize--a kitchen appliance, a few hundred bucks, or maybe a new coat--and all it will cost you is ten points off your score. Going, going. . . and sold! And wouldn’t you know it, that contestant would go into the “lightning round” and often lose by ten points to the eventual winner who would then play for a big prize such as a car. 14. Press Your Luck. Everyone knows the “Big money, big money, NO WHAMMIES” chant. But what I will always remember about this game show is that I watched that show with Michael Larson on the day it aired because I was home from school. Back then, he seemed like the luckiest guy ever. Shows you how naive I was, huh? 13. Name That Tune. I can name that tune in six notes. I can name that tune in five notes. I can name that tune if four notes. I can name that tune in three notes. I can name that tune in two notes. I can name that tune in one note. Let me guess: It’s the clue? The next twelve will follow soon. . . .
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Last Sunday, our family--my wife, son, daughter and sister--attended a minor league baseball game in Charleston, West Virginia. I dig baseball. I dig it so much that I want everyone else to dig it, too. How can anyone not love baseball?
How in the hell does he fit his head into that batting helmet?
My mother.
I sure collected baseball cards. And I had several Quirks. He played for the Kansas City Royals with George Brett, whose 1979 Topps baseball card eluded me with every package I opened. I bought those baseball cards for the gum and the cards. That stick of bubble gum never lasted more than a few minutes and hardened too quickly to offer any opportunity to blow bubbles. And the last card in the pack always contained the imprint of that gum. I always hoped that my George Brett superstar edition card wouldn’t be the last card in that pack.
When I watch a baseball game with my Mom, I don’t have to worry about explanations. She knows about the cleanup hitter--even if she doesn’t know who bats fourth for the Reds these days. She knows when it’s time for the hook even if Grady Little doesn’t. And she knows that Sandy Koufax is still the best pitcher she ever saw. She never let me forget that he refused to pitch on Yom Kippur despite pleas from his manager. Koufax wouldn’t pitch on Yom Kippur. He simply wouldn’t pitch.
When my family and I sat behind home plate last Sunday, I encouraged my children to yell baseball chatter.
It began as an ordinary trip to the zoo. Suddenly I was a frumpy Tippi Hedren. Actually, the Lorikeets didn’t scare me at all. Even though I wasn’t feeding them. Even though there were three -- count them, three -- birds on me and only one bird on each of the other zoo guests who were actually offering food. Perhaps it was my new corn and barley conditioner. Or could it be that the smell of yesterday’s greasy Coney Island fare still lingered on me, despite my having showered. Seriously. I used soap and everything.
The birds’ pecking wasn’t painful. It was almost friendly. Their tiny talons were not sharp, but, shall we say, tenacious. After the second bird swooped down and began scratching through my hair, my twenty-month-old whined to be picked up. It had to have been a tough call for her -- stand alone on the ground, or be comforted by a lady with two birds on her head. She chose my entourage and me. When the third bird landed, she had had enough and kicked into protective mode. “Go away, birdie!” she scolded. “Go away, birdie!”
Our family’s returned from our vacation. We had fun. We watched some baseball, visited an amuseme nt park, hiked through a zoo, enjoyed a delicious seafood dinner and, of course, touched some sharks at the aquarium. Some of us also enjoyed Sportscenter, which we haven’t seen on cable in our house for over a year. I suppose that compensates for over three (count ‘em three) days without computer/internet access this week. I think that’s a record--for this year, anyway.
Meet our home’s dining room, circa September, 2005. See the wallpaper near the sliding doors? That took several hours to remove. It wasn’t a whole day. But it wasn’t easy, either. And then there’s that Nasty Blue Carpet™. My wife steamed cleaned it. Twice. I never liked walking on it with my bare feet, but the kids didn’t seem to mind eating their spilled Cheerios™ off of it. I tried to warn them not to do that. The five second rule never applied to the Nasty Blue Carpet™.
Meet our home’s dining room, circa this week, July, 2006. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, somebody decided it would be a great idea to cover up this hardwood floor with the Nasty Blue Carpet™. And they did. And it was very, very bad. We assumed the wood underneath the Nasty Blue Carpet™ looked worse, and so we never checked it. Besides, we were very, very tired from removing the Ugly Black Wallpaper™ and painting the walls.
Meet our Nasty Blue Carpet™ up close and personal. Now that I consider it, it’s really not blue. I suppose it’s a composite of green, white, and orange (orange?). Even so, how would you like to look at this every day for over nine months? I bet you can’t even look at this picture for more than nine seconds. (Orange? Is that really orange in this pattern?)
Meet our hardwood floor. I did not alter this photograph. (As if that isn’t obvious from the prominent flash near the bottom center of the picture.) The more I think about it, the more I wonder what folks were thinking thirty or forty years ago when they decided that it would be really groovy to cover their hardwood floors with blue, green, white and orange (orange?) carpet.
Finally, meet the remnants of our Nasty Blue Carpet™. If you look closely, you’ll also see the paint cans in our garage and the computer table where my old West Virginia Rules of Civil Procedure rest. Sometimes when I’m in the garage looking for one of our tools, I’ll see my old civil procedure books and I’ll start reading them for fun. I have a warped sense about what’s fun. (As if that isn’t obvious from this paragraph). And now that the Nasty Blue Carpet’s™ transferred into our garage, I’ll now have a comfy space to sit. I think. I’m still not sure if we removed all the carpet staples and tacks.
