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June 29, 2006: Let’s Talk About Locating The Pizza Crust Mix I went shopping for the pizza crust mix tonight. It took me forever to find it. I figured the supermarket would stock the pizza crust mix in the baking section. All I found there was flour with corn meal mixes--and no pizza crust mix. I pushed my shopping cart filled with the orange juice and the grape juice and the 1% milk and the raisins and the discount chocolate chip cookies and the chicken (breast pieces, of course) and the bar-b-que sauce and the marinade and the kitty litter that clumps and the low-fat mozzarella cheese sticks up and down a dozen aisles looking for that pizza mix. I relented and asked the employee with the blue shirt where I could find that pizza mix. He told me it was in aisle five near the spaghetti sauce. When I asked the checkout lady why her store placed the pizza mix there, she couldn’t offer me any explanation. “I don’t know,” she said, “You need to ask the manager.” But I had spent fifteen minutes looking for the pizza mix by then and I needed to get home to watch Redeye with my wife. Now I know pizza and spaghetti are both Italian dishes, and I can understand why someone might think placing the pizza mix near the spaghetti makes sense. But if I were king, I would require the supermarket to stock the pizza mix in the baking section. It makes life simpler.
June 28, 2006: Flag This Post In 1989, the Supreme Court of the United States invalidated prohibitions against desecrating the American flag in Texas v. Johnson. The Supreme Court held that flag burning was protected speech under the First Amendment of the Constitution. If you think today’s Senate vote was close, then consider this: Texas v. Johnson was a 5-4 decision. Justices Brennan, Marshall, Blackmun, Scalia and Kennedy comprised the majority. Chief Justice Rehnquist, Justice O’Connor, Justice White and Justice Stevens dissented. Seventeen years later, only Justice Scalia, Justice Kennedy and Justice Stevens remain on the bench. Assuming these three justices maintain their previous positions (and consider, too, that Justice Kennedy filed a concurrence), the question is how would the other six justices vote if a state passed a law banning flag burning and the issue reached the Supreme Court again: Chief Justice Roberts? Justice Thomas? Justice Souter? Justice Breyer? Justice Ginsburg? Justice Alito? I’m confident we’d see another 5-4 opinion. But I’m not sure who wins this one.
June 27, 2006: Talkin’ Baseball (Greg Maddux Edition) There comes a time in everyone’s Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball League season when you have to cut bait on a player. Sometimes, the decision is easy. Other times, it’s not. Sometimes, it’s so unbearable that you prolong the agony because you keep believing that your favorite pitcher But there was always the next start, so you maintained hope. And that’s why you started Greg Maddux against the Brewers last night. Seven innings, three homers and five runs later, you understand.
Prove me wrong, Maddux.
June 26, 2006: Tiebreaker For the complete opinion, click here.
June 24, 2006: This Review Isn’t On Amazon - Potty Power If you have children and a dvd player, then the trick involves finding a dvd your kids love that won’t drive you to manic tears after it’s played a dozen times. But after months of enduring Dora and Boots, I think we’ve found a program that I enjoy watching on a heavy rotation basis. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Potty Power:
As you may have guessed, we’re training our son to use the toilet. You may remember “the toilet” by such names as “the john,” “the can,” and, of course, “the porcelain god,” as in “I had too many tequilla shots at my brother-in-law’s and, if you’ll pardon me, sir, duty now requires me to worship the porcelain god.” These days at our house, though, we simply refer to the toilet as “the potty,” as in “I wonder when our kids will use the potty on their own so we can take the money we’re using to buy diapers to line the pockets of those folks who charge us close to 3 bucks for a gallon of gas.” I dig Potty Power. Although I’m close to 100% toilet-trained (90% on weekends), I could easily watch this dvd by myself and derive complete joy from it every time. Potty Power has a phenomenal soundtrack. It features all-original songs with infectious melodies and lyrics. The opening track “Look What You Can Do By Yourself” features a jazz arrangement that will have you humming for the rest of the day. “No More Diapers For Me” will also have you hitting the replay/rewind button. Did I mention one of the hosts is an animated roll of toilet paper named “T.P.”? As far as I’m concerned, Potty Power offers better entertainment value than any episode of Joey. Since watching this dvd over the last couple days, our son has taken an interest in using the potty. It’s fine with me if it takes him time to learn to use the potty, though, because I can always use an excuse to rock out to “Wash Your Hands.” Review: Four out of Four Flushes.
June 24, 2006: Saturday Morning Legal News Blogging Man wins $400,000 for 10-year implant malfunction.
June 22, 2006: For The CEO Who Has Everything Hey, kids, tired of scratching your head wondering what to buy your chief executive officer who earns more than 262 times than you? Why not consider this suggestion next time you celebrate National CEO Appreciation Day: (AP Photo/J. Pat Carter)
June 22, 2006: My Quick Litmus Test For Those Seeking Political Office 1. Select the quotation that best describes your leadership style and explain why, if at all, you’ll need to live in a mansion worth millions if you’re elected. Let all bear in mind that a society is judged not so much by the standards attained by its more affluent and privileged members as by the quality of life which it is able to assure for its weakest members. -- Javier Pérez de Cuéllar (quote #506 here). OR It’s good to be the king. -- Mel Brooks as Louis XVI in History of The World: Part I. 2. What’s your position on abortion in fifty words or less? 3. Burn the flag? A simple “Yes” or “No” will do. 4. Same-sex marriage? “Yes” or “No” only. 5. Do you have a Wikipedia entry? If no, why not?
June 20, 2006: It Feels Good To Feel Good I slept most of Father’s Day. That was never the plan, but I was sick. I think it started late Wednesday night when I was eating those delicious Fiery Habanero Doritos™ chips. These are my new favorite Doritos. I used to think that the discontinued Smokey, Red BBQ Doritos were awesome until I tried the habanero ones. These chips are mighty hot and mighty good, which all but guarantees that Frito-Lay will discontinue them, too, because I adore them. The chips burned my throat more than usual and I figured I wasn’t consuming ample soda, but hours later I determined that I was experiencing the beginnings of a sore throat, which became a really horrible sore throat circa 3 a.m. Thursday morning. Fortunately, my day-long trial didn’t start until Friday. By then, I had a nice cough resulting in my new-and-improved Husky Sick Voice™. This worked to my advantage during the trial, but on a personal level my illness proved disastrous by Saturday afternoon when I went to the Wal*Mart with my wife and kids and had to muster every ounce of strength I had to walk through that store and shop--which resembles every other Wal*Mart shopping experience of mine except that I was running a 101 degree temperature this time. I’m over my sickness now and am enjoying my day off from work. I’m also out of the habanero Doritos. I’ll be going to Kroger’s later to get them, though. Our Wal*Mart doesn’t stock them.
June 17, 2006: Happiness Is A New Pair Of Glasses I had a visit to the optometrist this week. My wife scheduled our appointments. I now need bifocals. I can dig that because: 1) It makes it easier for me to read; and 2) Bespectacled goes great with balding. I received my first glasses when I was in junior high school. My prescription wasn’t strong and I didn’t need to wear them on a regular basis. By college, my vision deteriorated and I couldn’t drive without them. Then law school arrived and Hello, 20/450! There’s no question that wearing glasses exacerbated my insecurities about my appearance. When I wore my contact lenses I was still shy, so it’s not fair to make the glasses the scapegoat for my social awkwardness. The great thing about getting older for me is that it dissipates the concerns I have about my looks. I’m also beginning to understand why older guys wear brown socks with tennis shoes and pants pulled up above their navels. Wearing glasses requires less maintenance than contact lenses. Since my sty disappeared a month or so ago, I’ve started wearing my contacts more, but it’s so much easier to plop my glasses on and off, especially in the morning or Saturday mid-afternoons when I have time to take a nap. Plus our little girl loves giggling after she pulls them off my face.
June 16, 2006: How To Blog It’s hard to imagine that it’s been two years since Tony Pierce posted how to blog. This classic post should be required reading for anyone who writes. Or blogs.
June 11, 2006: Cars Dad had a Datsun B210. It was green with a small hatchback in lieu of a trunk. My sister and I loved to ride in that hatchback, and Dad always let us, even though now when I look back it scares me to think of what might have happened if we had been in an accident with that car. Nobody had to worry about those things back then, not because car accidents didn’t happen, but because nobody worried about installing child safety seats that face backwards or forwards in cars that didn’t even have airbags yet. In those days, as long as Dad was driving, I could sleep without fear in that hatchback. I was secure. Sometimes Dad would take me for a ride up to the Shadyside Tennis Club in St. Albans. He gave me my own little tennis racquet, which was fashioned from the regulation-size kind, and I remember watching the man at the club placing that racquet in a vise and sawing several inches off the handle leaving the face of the wood grain at the racquet’s end. After a few years, I graduated to a bigger racquet, and Dad had also obtained a new Volvo. Dad loved his Volvo. He told everyone he bought it after hearing about its seats, which he claimed provided comfort for his back. Dad had a bad back, but he never complained about the pain. He’d stash the bucket of balls in the Volvo’s trunk and we’d both pile into the car around 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. It’s so early, Dad. You want to play tennis? And I did. So I sacrificed my usual sleep-in until 11 a.m. or later on Saturday. The dew was still fresh on the ground and I could feel it seep through my tennis shoes on our walk to the court. Dad always won, too. He never held back his game, which I never appreciated then, and after a couple hours we were both sweaty. The Volvo had excellent air conditioning and power windows. But you can’t haul wood you’ve chainsawed in a Volvo, so Dad also had an old, orange Ford F-150 pick-up truck. It was a stick-shift with a sticker on the ashtray that read “When I woke up this morning, I had one nerve, and damn in you ain’t got on it.” I think he’d traded the Datsun for it, or maybe he’d gotten it for a couple hundred from a friend. I’ve never been entirely clear on the details, but I do know that he never let me drive it, which was fine with me because I never wanted to drive it, much less use that chainsaw. I much preferred chopping the wood with him in the front yard while my mother repeatedly asked my Dad to stop chopping the wood because he might hurt himself. He never listened. I always wanted to drive Dad’s Volvo, though. When I practiced for my driving test, it was Mom’s--not Dad’s car--that I used. I can’t even remember the make and model of Mom’s car. It was small and tan and I think it was a Honda. It escapes me now. I was so focused on driving Dad’s car. Before I took my driving test, he let me take the wheel with him in the passenger seat. I was incredibly nervous and could barely navigate the local streets of my neighborhood. After ten minutes or so, Dad had me drive the car back to our house. For my seventeenth birthday, Dad surprised me with a 1973 Chevy Nova in our driveway. It was 1984 now, and I was a junior in high school. I drove the car straight to school that morning and almost every day of school until I graduated. Dad later told me that he had bought that car when it went unclaimed from a local garage, and I asked him if the owner had died, and he said maybe, and why would I worry about a man who isn’t alive to drive? Dad got a new, burgundy Volvo after driving his first one for over a dozen years. His new Volvo had four doors instead of two and power seats. It also had a better new car smell. I knew better than to ask him if I could ever drive that one, but I wasn’t complaining because he had allowed me to use his original Volvo to drive while I was in law school down in the Big Easy. On a whim one summer, I painted that car “Big Bad Blue.” The paint color was really for a GM car made in the late sixties, and everyone who saw my blue Volvo called it the “Smurfmobile.” Dad stopped driving his burgundy Volvo after he got fired from the job he had held for over twenty-four years. But the newspapers didn’t mention that. They reported that he filed for unemployment benefits and had planned on filing a lawsuit, too. And he did. Then he went and rented a Saturn. While the lawsuit dragged, Dad worked a little for a travel agency. He took the Saturn back and drove a black Nissan, which was formerly known as Datsun, maker of the B210 hatchback. He wasn’t able to drive much now, and one Sunday, he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him, and, of course, I said yes, and I drove us to see The Full Monty at the Kanawha Cinemas. It was now September, 1997 and Dad mentioned it was Rosh Hashanah time soon. It’s the start of a new year, he said. Yes, I think I said in response. Some will be written in the Book of Life and some won’t, he said. I wanted to say what both he and I knew, but all I managed to say was “yeah.” Four months later, Mom and I sold the black Nissan to a young lady in college. And five and a half years later, I drove my Dad’s grandson home from the hospital in my 1999 Camry. It’s the same car I drove yesterday when I took my son to see Cars. It’s a pretty cool flick.
June 10, 2006: The Saturday Plan Here’s the deal: My son and I are going to see Cars this afternoon. I haven’t read any reviews of the film, but they don’t matter because it’s the experience of watching the film with my son that’s going to provide the fun. (Try explaining that to Roger Ebert and company. One star for The Village? ONE STAR?!?!! You cannot, in the words of John McEnroe, be serious.) I would love to take my little girl to this movie, but out of respect for the other audience members, who I’m confident will not bring any of their loud, cranky and crying kids to this film, I’m going to let her spend time with her mommy. Vroomy, vroom, vroom.
June 9, 2006: The Comedian On weeknights, after we have dinner, the kids and I will spend some time watching television together. The programming varies but often involves viewing one of my cartoon dvds. This past week, it’s been The Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection. If you’re three years old or younger and/or a connoisseur of all things animated, then I highly recommend picking up the Pink. Otherwise, save your money for the current and upcoming Warner Brothers’ releases of the old Bugs Bunny & company shorts. Sometimes, after we’ve watched some cartoons, I’ll switch to television and our family will watch Seinfeld. Our son loves this program. I know this because when I turn off the cartoons, he’ll scream: Turn the Pink Panther back on, Daddy. I want to watch the Pink Panther!! WAAAAAAAAA. But if Seinfeld’s on TBS, and I ask him what he wants to watch, he’ll keep calm: I want to watch Seinfeld. In the past week, he started taking his toy microphone, and, instead of singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, he began talking about random things: There was this man, he had a truck that crashed into another car. Babbyold, she poked her eyes out. She’s blind. It made no sense until my wife looked at the television set behind our son. It was Jerry Seinfeld doing a monologue. He’s doing stand-up comedy, she tells me. And in an absurd way, it totally cracked us up. There’s something incredibly amusing watching a three-year old say random things into a microphone. This is especially true when he tells you that “I’m doing stand-up comedy.” Now whenever I see the microphone around, I always ask our son to do his stand-up. It’s funnier than American’s Funniest Home Videos, which, after our family had watched for twenty minutes tonight, our son remarked: Daddy, when’s the funny home video show coming on? Yet another reason I won’t need to buy that dvd.
June 7, 2006: Get The Mansion Hi, and welcome back to Donutbuzz Bottom Forty! This week’s long-distance dedication comes to us from a listener named Anita. She writes: Dear Donutbuzz: My name is Anita and I’m an architecture student who loves Donutbuzz Bottom Forty. Back on April 29, 2006, while traveling through your wild, wonderful state, I toured its beautiful Capitol grounds on a sunny Sunday afternoon. While feeding the squirrels, I met a man. He told me his name was Larry, and we quickly struck up a conversation. As we talked, we discovered that we had many interests in common. We both loved whitewater rafting, eating fondue and watching poorly animated cartoons. We also disovered that we both shared the same passion for Governor Manchin’s one million dollar renovation of the West Virginia Governor’s Mansion. As the hours passed, we discussed the relative merits of using vinyl windows on the building, and we soon found that the stars were out and it was time for each of us to leave. But for an unknown reason that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, we never obtained the other’s complete name or other contact information, and I’ve never heard from Larry since. Donutbuzz, when I read in today’s Charleston Daily Mail that the mansion’s renovation cost estimate has doubled from the original 1.5 million figure to 3.3 million dollars, I realized how much I missed Larry and our talk about hardwood flooring, terra cotta porches, and marble bathtubs. So, if it’s possible, I’m making a long-distance shout-out to Larry, the guy who shares my same passion for million-dollar renovations and hoping that you can play Get The Mansion Started. Well, Anita, thanks for writing to Donutbuzz Bottom Forty. Here’s hoping that Larry’s out there listening: To the tune of Pink’s Get The Party Started: I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion Get this mansion
Let’s get renovatin’ and make this crib cool/Come splash with me in this cozy whirlpoo-oo-oo-oo-l-l-l-l-l/ I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion It needs a kitchen and 12 flat-screen tee-vees/Don’t forget the wet bar and media center, puh-lease Cut that food tax by a whopping percent/Saves ya ten bucks on ev’ry grand spent We can talk business or we can play/Game room’s down the hall and help’s on the wa-a-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y I’m governor and we gotta get the mansion When we return to Donutbuzz Bottom Forty, we’ll take a call from a listener with no health insurance and a flooded basement.
June 5, 2006: On Remakes (Or Fun With Movies And Footnotes) On Tuesday, the calendar will read 6/6/06, which provides Hollywood its opportunity to deliver us a remake of 1976’s The Omen. It’s been years since I’ve seen this film, but from what I recall, it scared me silly, which, of course, means it succeeded wonderfully with me and that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The original Omen contained several memorable scenes. I won’t recount them here, though, because: 1) I don’t want to ruin your fun; and 2) The previews of the remake reveal them all anyway. Now I understand that in business--and making films is a business--you stick with what works. Don’t mess with success. Don’t polish a turd, either, as they say in Hollywood. But, as I also say, if you can bronze the turd first, then you might have a better chance of getting it polished. But when your original film has Gregory Peck and Lee Remick in it, and has spawned several memorable scenes that have become part of America’s collective conscience, then chances are also high that nobody needs to remake it. And I don’t care if you get Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles to play the couple that parent Satan’s little boy, either. (Please bear with me. This post is going to be a little like watching Lost. I know where I’m going, but I’m not going to tell you and I’m going to spend a lot of time on tangents that interest me, but I’m hoping that you dig that, too, and we’ll still be in this together at the end. That and I also hope that Locke won’t be blown to smithereens with Eko.) As a general rule, nobody should remake a classic film--or a film that has become a classic. There’s a distinction between the two. By classic film, I mean the original King Kong, or a film that sets the benchmark for the genre. And when I use “films that have become classics,” I mean movies like the original Bad News Bears and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Let me explain. I love a good movie. I don’t mind watching a remake when it offers a better entertainment experience than the original. But I think if you look at AFI’s list of the 100 greatest American movies, you’ll be hard-pressed to convince me or most anyone else that someone should remake Citizen Kane or The Godfather or Star Wars or To Kill A Mockingbird or Taxi Driver or Psycho or the original King Kong or even Rocky1. That’s because--and please forgive me for stating the obvious--these films are classics. Anthony Perkins is, was, and always will be Norman Bates. Nobody--and I mean NOBODY--will offer a better performance. Not even the amazing acting chops of this incredible thespian could lend help to this 1998 makeover. End. Of. Story. The 1933 King Kong ranks as one of the all-time great fantasy films. Time ranks it as one of its Top 100 films ever, the AFI ranks it at #44, and even the notoriously erratic reviewers at imdb.com have placed Kong in its list of 250 best films2. Now it was one thing for Jessica Lange to star in the 1976 version, but what I cannot understand--or maybe I can understand, but I cannot accept it. . . .yeah, that’s it. . . .--is why Peter Jackson decided he could improve on the original King Kong. A couple months ago, my wife and I finally watched Jackson’s King Kong. It was horrible. Have you ever attended a movie that offered so little entertainment value that you picked up your popcorn and left the theater? Well, Peter Jackson’s King Kong had that effect on us except we were at home and we had the extra luxury of renting the movie from Netflix. After spending a couple nights watching the first hour and a half of the film (which, of course, afforded us the chance to see King Kong and the dinosaurs in all their computer-animated glory), we could tolerate no more and placed that disc back right back in that red envelope. The bottom line: Nobody should remake a classic film. At the very least, if it’s done, you should offer the audience your unique interpretation of the classic. After Jackson’s King Kong, of course, I’m still not going to watch your flick, but at least you’ll receive more critical praise from Roger Ebert and Janet Maslin. Films that have become classics, on the other hand, offer more--but not much better--potential for remakes. These are films that are not on Time’s or AFI’s lists but are those that still provide great entertainment on repeated viewing. Think of any of your favorite films not on these lists and you have a good candidate for a remake coming to your local multiplex. The only rule to remember, however, is the same that applies to a remake of a classic film: Offer the audience a different movie from the one they’ve learned. Unfortunately, most directors fail to heed this maxim, and, as a result, most remakes of films that have become classics fail to offer any better entertainment than the original. Take two recent remakes: The Bad News Bears and Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Both the original BNB and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory are minor classics. Walter Matthau perfectly inhabited the role of Buttermaker, the drunken pool cleaner who reluctantly coaches a motley bunch of profanity-sputtering twelve and thirteen-year olds. And Jackie Earle Haley and Tatum O’Neal are also perfect in that film. And as far as Willy Wonka goes, that film should be on AFI’s and Time’s list, and Gene Wilder is, was, and always will be Willy Wonka. End. Of. Story. But I won’t fault anyone for trying Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Depp in the roles of Buttermaker and Wonka--as long as you provide something different. And that’s where everything unravels for these remakes. The 2005 BNB fails because it mirrors the scenes and story. It substitutes “pest control” for “pool cleaning” as Buttermaker’s job, but little else. The profanity and politically incorrect dialogue of the kids that marked the first film has also been toned down, which, ironically, makes for a lesser film. Thornton, of course, is good in the role, but it’s difficult to surpass Matthau’s performance. I wasted almost two hours on this one. The 2005 Willy Wonka doesn’t fail as far in comparison with BNB, but that’s still damning it with faint praise. Tim Burton, who also remade Planet of the Apes3, has re-imagined Wonka and the Oompa-Loompas, and I enjoyed Depp’s acting. But as good as this new vision was, it still wasn’t better than its classic inspiration. In fact, I kept waiting for Gene Wilder to appear in at least a cameo. I don’t think that I wasted time watching this film, but I also don’t think that the film world would have suffered if Charlie and The Chocolate Factory hadn’t been remade. All of this, of course, leads me back to Gregory Peck, who did have a cameo in a remake of Cape Fear, a film that has become, in my opinion, a classic. Of all the remakes that I have seen, I would rate Scorsese’s Cape Fear the best. Everyone in this film--Robert DeNiro, Nick Nolte, Jessica Lange (fifteen years removed from her appearance in the first Kong remake), Juliette Lewis and Joe Don Baker--is simply awesome. Plus Scorsese obviously understood the importance of using cameos of the original stars, so he obtained not only Gregory Peck, but Robert Mitchum to appear in his remake. In conclusion: 1) Hollywood needs to stop remaking great films if it’s not going to offer anything different; 2) I need to stop wasting time on lesser films; and 3) “The Cameo Rule” and fundamental fairness required that Gene Wilder appear in at least a cameo in Willy Wonka for that film to approach greatness. 1Of course, whoever remakes Rocky will first have to obtain Sylvester Stallone’s permission, and he still isn’t finished with Rocky’s story yet. 2You’ll note that according to the imdb.com reviewers, The Shawshank Redemption is the second-best film ever. As of today, it’s received 199,956 votes--more than any other film on the list. That also seems to be how many times TBS has aired The Shawshank Redemption. 3Burton also remade The Planet Of The Apes. Like Scorsese, he followed “The Cameo Rule” of remakes and used Charlton Heston in his movie. It didn’t help the film, but he still gets a “B” for effort.
June 3, 2006: Nightmare I had a nightmare this morning. I was out drinking with Donald Sutherland. I wanted to leave the bar, but he didn’t. He told me, “This is my home,” and he wouldn’t give me the keys to his car. I then went to the payphone, checked my pocket, and pulled out several quarters and silver dollars. But after I placed the change in the payphone, I misdialed the number. I repeated this process several times, and I never could make that call to my wife. I need to get out more.
June 2, 2006: Talkin’ Baseball (Haiku Version) 1. What’s the deal, Maddux? You had an awesome April. Your May really sucked. 2. I think Harold Baines Has Hall of Fame credentials But noone else does. 3. Blew two save chances last week I need a closer. 4. Hot dogs at ballparks Taste better than at your home What accounts for that?
June 1, 2006: American Speller While waiting in line for my taco today, I watched a round of this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee on television. For the last several years, ESPN has televised the event, and if I had time, I’d probably catch a few rounds because I dig spelling bees and word games, especially Scrabble™. Spelling bees are serious business these days. One documentary, Spellbound and one feature, Akeelah and The Bee, have featured the bee in film. Tonight, ABC will air the final rounds of today’s bee in primetime and feature profiles of the finalists. When I was in school, I was a pretty good speller. I made it to the finals of our elementary school’s bee. But my sister was (and is) an even better speller. She made it to the county bee. I remember rooting for her to win, but she mispelled “maintenance,” which, she later explained, resulted from the director’s lousy pronunciation of the word. She knew how to spell that word, but this was also in the early 1980s, and spelling bees hadn’t yet developed into the competitive frenzy that has now prompted at least one company to offer odds on whether tonight’s bee winner will be wearing glasses. How long will it be before someone produces a television show where Americans can vote for their favorite speller? I’m imagining American Idol without the singing: Spelling Director: Your word is “Hyperbole.” Contestant 154: “H-I-G-H-P-E-R-B-O-W-L-Y.” Ding. Randy: Oh, man. (Laughing) Dawg. That just wasn’t doing it for me. That word choice just didn’t suit your style. Paula: (Places her head in her hands, shakes her head). You know we love you Contestant 154, but that wasn’t your best performance. You need to stick with words in your range. Keep your chin up and keep on spelling! Simon: Contestant 154, if I’m being perfectly honest, that was absolutely horrible. (Loud boos from the studio audience.) You didn’t ask for the word’s pronounciation, its origin, or even a definition. You had no chatter with the director. You didn’t repeat the word. There was no dramatic pause between the letters and you displayed less emotion than a rock. Absolutely dreadful. Update: Per Jackie’s reminder, Spinster Girl was ahead of the curve in February with “Nerd Life,” a great post about her spelling bee experiences. And Ian has another great post about this week’s spelling bee. Film Geek does not have a post about the spelling bee yet, but, like me, he doesn’t like “period piece” films.
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will return to his classic form and dominate hitters like he did ten years ago. You keep believing this because he won every one of his first five starts in April with an ERA of 1.35. But then May arrives, he loses four of six, his ERA balloons to 4.32, and when he does pitch that four-hit gem over 7.1 innings, 
I hope I’m wrong. I hope that Maddux comes back and pitches three shutouts in a row, wins his last fifteen starts and earns another Cy Young award.
Every CEO loves a good hamburger as much as a good, golden parachute. And what better way is there to show your appreciation for your beloved, little millionaire than gifting him or her with the 