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March 30, 2005: If I Had A Nickel. . . Gas prices in the Charleston, West Virginia area have reached $2.25 a gallon at some stations. On my drive back from my OP hearings today, the astronomical price for some unleaded prompted me to think this: “If I had a nickel for every time [a particular matter occurred], I’d be rich” is a really ridiculous expression. I’m not sure how many of you have given this thought, but I have. And I’ve concluded that if anyone cares about our economy and the future of a national health care program, then we need to abandon the expression that begins “if I had a nickel. . . .” It takes twenty nickels to make a dollar. In percentage terms, this means when someone suggests that she wishes she had a “nickel” every time a certain event occurs, what the person is really saying is that she wants a return of only five (5) percent. Let’s explore this matter using the example of President Bush and his proclivity for abusing the English language. Consider the statement “If I had a nickel for every time that Dubya mangled the English language in a speech, I’d be rich.” If we assume that Dubya makes ten speeches a month (or 120 presentations a year), and, further, that he uses phrases such as “is our children learning” at least three times a speech, then Dubya will make at least 360 grammatical errors a year. This is a conservative estimate, of course, because it does not include informal remarks or conversations that occur outside the presence of the press and/or bloggers. At best, in this scenario, you would be the beneficiary of $18 after one year, $72 after four years, or $144 after eight years of enduring Bushisms. In my above example, taking a nickel every time simply sets the bar too low. It also does not take into account the results of inflation that have occurred since “if I had a nickel. . .” first came into vogue. I would submit that we raise our demand to “if I had a quarter for every time. . .”--or at least submit the matter to Congress for a full hearing and debate before its term ends. Think about it. Even if we assume that President Bush butchers the English language ten times more than I have estimated--or 3,600 times a year (which, truth told, is probably a more realistic number)--you would still receive $1,440 in nickels when Dubya’s second term ends. Or, if you want to consider it another way, Bush would have to make a million gaffes before you could even collect $50,000 in nickels. And that’s just not going to happen because we all know that Dubya spends more time sleeping than he does speaking.
March 28, 2005: The National Candy Assortment Invitational Tournament It happens every year in March. The NCAA® holds its college basketball tournament, and I cannot identify any of the teams in the brackets. This year was different because West Virginia University’s team not only received an invitation to the NCAA tournament, but it also reached the “Elite Eight.” So I watched West Virginia build--and then squander--its twenty-point lead over Louisville on Saturday. And I screamed “PITTSNOGLE” more than once during Saturday’s dinner at my in-laws’ home. If you’re an athlete, it always helps to have a memorable, if not interesting, name. “Kevin Pittsnogle” satisfies both these conditions. Years from now, most of us aren’t going to remember who wins this year’s NCAA® tournament. I would wager, however, that anyone who watched this weekend’s game between Louisville and West Virginia will not soon forget Kevin Pittsnogle. “You’ve been Pittsnogled” ranks as one of the best fan signs I’ve seen since someone raised a “Nixon’s the One” banner at an Atlanta Braves’ game. Nothing I’ve said, of course, makes any difference to you if you don’t care about college basketball or major league baseball or athletes with funny names. I know this because I don’t make the same emotional investment in sports that I did ten or even five years ago, and when someone starts talking about sports, I start thinking about other things like how great Clayton Rohner was in the “Rain King” episode of The X Files, or how much nicer Renee Zellweger looked in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” than she did at the 2005 Academy Awards, or how taxing it is on a reader when your post has eight hyperlinks. I imagine most Americans would rather watch a tournament involving something that they like and know rather than a sport whose teams and participants they can scarcely identify. And that’s why I invented my very own “National Candy Assortment Invitational Tournament” or “NCAIT” this weekend. The “NCAIT” is similar to the NCAA® basketball tournament in several respects. Both tournaments feature: 1. 64 playoff spots 2. Arbitrary sites chosen for the regional matches; 3. Subjective designations and seedings of those teams/candies selected for the tournament; and 4. A randomness in outcomes that guarantees nobody with any understanding of basketball, candy and/or gambling will ever predict the winners of more than 75% of the games. But the key difference between the NCAIT and the NCAA® basketball tournament--and the difference that guarantees that the NCAIT is always accessible (and therefore enjoyable) for everyone--is that the NCAIT uses candies that most everyone not living under a rock knows. And rather than watch ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, every satellite college game and read every internet site that remotely considers basketball, you can now savor (literally) a competition among great candies! When devising my tournament, I picked different sites in our home as well as the homes of my in-laws and mother to hold the matches. Maybe you’re pressed for funds, time or resources. So choose to conduct the matches in different rooms of your dwelling! Or maybe you want to splurge and visit different cities for each of your regional pairings. If you want to add to your enjoyment, you might also choose to change the tournament from candy to potato chips. Or, if you’re a smoker, why not try different cigarettes to see which brand packs the most flavor? Use whatever you enjoy consuming! Just remember, of course, to consume responsibly. Click here for my NCAIT™ tournament!
March 27, 2005: Help Is On The Way (Or Maybe It’s Not) Call me superstitious. But I believe the WVU basketball team would have won its match against Louisville on Saturday if ol’ “Status Quo” Joe hadn’t flapped his gums, predicted a victory for the Mountaineers and then attended the game in Albuquerque.
March 25, 2005: My Answer Is An Emphatic “Yes, And You Don’t Need Dogpile To Tell You This!” Although March is not yet over, I still feel confident in announcing this month’s winner of the “Best/Strangest Search Leading Someone To My Site” contest. The nominees are: 1. “Fisher Price Little People Cake Designs” from Yahoo! Search (Result #4) 2. “’Family Circus’ ‘Comic Strip’ ‘Ida Know’” from the Dogpile® Web Search (Result #20) 3. “Are There Dangers To Pigeon Poop” from the Dogpile® Web Search (Result #34) And the award goes to. . . “Are There Dangers To Pigeon Poop”! As someone who has had more than his share of pigeon poop dropped on his shoulder, I want to take this opportunity to inform my readers that I take histoplasmosis seriously. I certainly hope this month’s winner of my “Best/Strangest Search” contest has addressed this important health issue by now. If not, maybe a call to the CDC is a good idea. And, whatever you do, please remember that although I am a lawyer, I am not a medical doctor--or even a chiropractor--and that it should go without saying that any personal website (such as this one) should not be construed as a forum for dispensing medical advice on anything. Now that this lame disclaimer is out of the way, let me say that I tend to agree with the directive from this site that recommends you not use your own vacuum cleaner to clean up bird droppings. (I have no idea or opinion about whether you should use a “High Efficiency Particle Air Filter Vacuum Cleaner” to remove pigeon poop, however.) I hope this post allows for a better weekend for everyone. See you on Monday.
March 24, 2005: Scare™ Magazine Are you a new parent? A grandparent? A mere acquaintance of a parent? If not, would you still like to read and share all the experiences parenting has to offer? Subscribe to Scare™:
Scare™ magazine delivers diverse, informative reports on the safety issues affecting real American parents. In our inaugural issue, you’ll learn the stories about common dangers that you’re exposing your children to without even knowing. See what lullabies contain harmful subliminal messages. Read why spilled milk is a reason to cry. Scare™ magazine gives you insightful analysis on preventing harm to your family before it happens. Scare™ understands that in today’s world, you can never be too careful. Subscribe to Scare™ magazine today, and, as our introductory gift to you, we’ll include a “cotton ball” containment kit absolutely free. And remember: Before you give care, read Scare™.
March 22, 2005: Desperate Times Call For Another Site Redesign I was tired of the “all brick” background and decided that most of you would rather see the picture of the kids than me. I know I do. I’m also taking a few days off from posting to clear my head. Stay cool.
For those of you who, like me, attended school with Richard O’Neal and knew his mother Bonnie, last night’s news will arrive as a shock. March 18, 2005: The Real March Madness
“Ok, now, somebody please remind me, again. Is it the United States or the United Nations I’m president of?” “Oh, goody, I get to throw out the first pitch!” “I told you. I’m not in favor of layups. I condorse abstinence education.” “In terms of world supply, I think if you look at all the statistics, prices for basketballs is on the increase. I am concerned about what it means to the average American family when they see the price of a basketball going up. I’m concerned about what it means to small businesses.” “Of course, I’ve never used steroids. Marijuana and cocaine don’t have steroids in ‘em, do they?” “I’ve been to war. I’ve played basketball. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” “Lawyers. . . um. . . file too many frivolous lawsuits, that’s a fact. Hey, Karl. . . why do you always make me hold this when I practice my speeches?”
March 18, 2005: Who Needs Cable? LISTINGS
Cookin’ With Lydia, March 17 05:00pm, Series/Reality, 58 Mins. “Yes, We Have No Bananas”: On his return home, Hoyt forgets Seth’s na-nas, and Melanie spills scalding hot minestrone soup on herself. Lydia discovers she despises carrots. (Special appearance by Mr. Volunteer Fireman.)
Scream: March 17 07:00pm, Series/Comedy, 1:59 Mins. “Like A Sore Thumb”: The hilarity ensues when Lydia’s sleeves cover her thumbs and she starts wailing. Seth throws a tantrum when his Mommy goes to the bathroom without him.
Seth’s Place: March 17 08:00pm, Children, 57 Mins. Pointing at the speaker and stating “car,” Seth informs the family that he wants to dance on the sofa to Rose Royce’s “Car Wash.” Hoyt reads “Sock Monkey Boogie-Woogie: A Friend Is Made” to the kids before bed.
Life As A Blog: March 17 09:00pm., Series/Reality, 58 Mins. “No Link For You!”: Hoyt and Melanie discuss the politics of linking to others’ blogs and how some folks simply won’t provide a reciprocal link to your site even after they promised to do so. Melanie draws amazing parallel between Oscar the Grouch and Sawyer from “Lost.”
The X Files: March 17 10:00pm., Series/Drama, 44 Mins. “Small Potatoes”: In episode 93, five babies in the same town are all born with tails and the local OB-GYN is blamed for tampering with fertilised eggs. Mulder discovers the culprit to be a simple man with a genetic deformity who may have the ability to alter his appearance. Hoyt and Melanie question their fortitude to rent and watch the remaining 108 X File episodes and “The X Files: Fight The Future” movie from Netflix. (Repeat).
Adult Programming: March 17 11:00pm., Series/Reality, Times vary. No description available. Subject to preemption by “Scream.”
March 16, 2005: Donutbuzz™ Celebrity Math
RYAN SEACREST +
A HAMMER =
TY PENNINGTON
March 15, 2005: Fun With Telemarketers1 Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Yes, I’m conducting a survey, and I need to speak to an adult member of the household between the ages of 18 and 74. Me: Well, I’m between ages 18 and 74, but I don’t act like an adult because right now I’m dancing to “Car Wash” with my son in my living room. Telemarketer: Um...could you repeat that? Me: Go ahead. But I’m gonna keep on dancin’ while I answer your questions, k? Telemarketer: Ok...(giggle, giggle)....Are you an adult between the ages of 18 to 24, 25 to 29, 30 to 34, 35 to 39, 40 to 44, 45 to 49 or 49 or older? Me: (Still dancin’) I’m an adult between the ages of 35 and 39 and everyone listens to my opinions! Telemarketer: We’re sorry, but we have collected all the information we need for your age group. Me: (Stops dancin’) What?!? You mean you called me for my opinion, and now you tell me that my opinion doesn’t count? That sucks! Telemarketer: Thank you. 1I did not invent this story.
March 15, 2005: Beatles Songs Whose True Meanings Become Painfully Obvious When 50 Cent Raps Them Last night I said these words to my girl,
Well, shake it up, baby, now, (shake it up, baby)
She's a big teaser, she took me half the way there
Try to see it my way,
He bag production he got walrus gumboot
In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl
March 14, 2005: Bad Test, Great Investment On Saturday, thousands of high school students took the revamped SAT. The SAT is a rite of passage for American college bound teens, especially those who hope to gain entrance to prominent schools and/or the party schools of their choice. I remember taking the SAT back in the early 1980s. The details of the exam have vanished from my memory, but the fear and worry I experienced have not. In my household, my parents placed more value on learning than anything else. If I could not throw a baseball, dribble a basketball, or hit a tennis forehand--despite my having taken numerous lessons to learn this last skill--these things mattered not. My intellectual achievement did. My parents didn’t expect me to make the GW tennis team; they did, however, expect me to take the SAT again when I scored below their expectations. Several of my classmates prepared for the SAT by taking a review course to improve their scores. In contrast to those who paid hundreds of dollars for their test preparations, I opted for a more practical--and less expensive--twenty dollar study guide, which, truth told, I probably devoted less attention to than I did to watching the Doozers on Fraggle Rock. This may also explain why my SAT verbal scores actually dropped ten points when I took the test a second time. I consider myself fortunate that I had Nancy Reagan to urge me to “Just Say No!” to drugs then, or my SAT scores would have really suffered. Over the next four years, I paid considerable less time to television, and my parents paid considerable more money to my alma mater. In retrospect, of course, my family’s financial situation would be so much more improved now if we had simply invested my college funds in some Microsoft stock. Better yet, if I had simply realized the enormous wealth creation that would result from the anxiety and fear created by the SAT, then perhaps I could have invested in The Washington Post Company--the latter of which owns Kaplan, Inc., another test preparation service. Isn’t Warren Buffet always saying to invest in what you understand? Well, back in college, I was the expert in fear and anxiety. And I should be kicking myself for not seeing the amazing future that lay ahead in making phenomenal income from kids worried about their SAT scores. Years later, when I applied to law school, I took the LSAT. The LSAT resembles the SAT in form, and its questions supposedly examine a test taker’s analytical and reasoning skills. Like the SAT, I also took the LSAT twice. Before my second LSAT, however, I did not watch the Doozers or Fraggles. I read my twenty dollar study guide, and learned several “tricks” I could employ to answer the multiple choice questions. My study and the tricks I mastered worked--resulting in a much higher LSAT score on my second test. I didn’t have any multiple choice tests in law school, but in 1994, when I sat for the West Virginia bar exam, I still had to contend with the Multistate Bar Examination, which included 200 multiple choice questions. Although I had passed the Louisiana bar exam (which was all essay questions) the year earlier, I still enrolled in a bar review course before taking the West Virginia exam. The course cost over $1,000. It was, however, a necessary precaution to protect the much greater investment in my legal education. As with my study for the LSAT, I discovered some valuable test-taking strategies for not only the MBE, but multiple choice questions in general. The new SAT seeks to prevent those people, like me, from using test-taking strategies to obtain higher scores. This SAT now has writing exams that will be graded by real people. But as other students have noted, how will thousands of graders accurately --and fairly--determine thousands of grades? Any grading standard must involve some subjectivity. And if there’s any objectivity left, then that still does not prevent anyone from teaching (or learning) effective test-taking strategies. As it is designed now, the SAT simply measures a student’s ability to take a test. This is great news for anyone with the money to afford the hundreds of dollars for test preparation instruction. It’s bad news, however, for those who cannot afford this luxury. But I’m not worried about sending my kids to college now. In this economy, I’m just hoping that we have enough money to keep our kids fed and clothed.
March 13, 2005: Sunday Funnies As I have mentioned, “Garfield” hasn’t been funny in years. Today, while surfing for information on Jim Davis, the humor-impaired cartoonist who created this “comic” strip, I discovered a really cool site via Buffalo Bandit’s Blogtastic Blog. Now you can create Garfield panels that really make you laugh. Now, if only someone would design a variation of this site for “The Family Circus”. . .
March 12, 2005: It’s A Very, Very Cold Day In March Here That may explain why I’m siding with the Internal Revenue Service on this one.
March 11, 2005: It’s Called The Class Struggle, Folks The Senate passed legislation yesterday that makes it easier for banks, retailers, and credit card companies and other creditors to recoup their money. Here’s a little recap for you, courtesy of our friends at Wikipedia: 1. In 1978, senators earned $57,500 per year. The minimum wage was set at $2.65 an hour. 2. By 1984, our senators--Democrats and Republicans--had increased their salaries to $72,600. The minimum wage was $3.35, but had actually “decreased” in value when adjusted for inflation based on 1996 dollars. 3. Over the next five years, the minimum wage remained unchanged. The salary of a senator, however, increased to $89,500. 4. Between 1984 and 1988, Ronald Reagan, a Republican, was the President of the United States. 5. In 1990, the minimum wage increased to $3.80 an hour. When adjusted for inflation, this increase resulted in less value than the last increase in minimum wage. 6. In 1991, if you were elected to serve as senator, you would earn over $100,000. If you were elected to serve someone fries, you would earn $4.25 an hour. 7. After January, 1991, senators raised their salaries four more times in the next eight years. They increased the federal minimum wage twice--to $4.75 in 1996 and then $5.15 an hour in 1997. 8. The federal minimum wage has remained at $5.15 an hour since 1997. 9. The salary of your elected senators--Democrats and Republicans--has increased from $136,700 per year in 1998 to its current level of $162,100. 10. Any questions?
March 9, 2005: Just In Case His CSI Episode And The Friday The Thirteenth Thing Don’t Pan Out Quentin Tarantino will direct this season’s finale of CSI. Tarantino’s also mulling writing and directing another “Friday the 13th” movie. He wants to play one of the villains. Robert Englund, of course, has a lock on playing Freddy Krueger from the “Nightmare on Elm Street” Series, so I guess that means Quentin wants to play hockey mask-wearing killer, Jason. If Quentin Tarantino runs out of ideas or projects, I think we should invite him to West Virginia to write and direct a movie here: INT. ‘99 CAMRY (MOVING)-MORNING A used, 1999 Toyota Camry chugs down Quarrier Street in Charleston, West Virginia. In the front seat are two dudes--one short, one tall. The short guy is wearing a dark suit with a paisley tie and he looks like Paul Giamatti (or so people tell him) and we’ll call him Vince. The second guy is named Jules. JULES --okay now, tell me about the family values? VINCE So what do you wanna know? JULES Well, being gay is legal there, right? VINCE Yeah, it’s legal, but it ain’t one hundred percent legal. I mean, you can’t walk into a circuit court, assert your rights to parent the child of your life partner who died in an accident, and start parentin’ away. You’re only supposed to be a gay parent in your home or certain designated places. JULES Those would be outside West Virginia? VINCE Yeah, it breaks down like this: it’s legal to have a life partner, it’s legal for you and your life partner to plan a family together, and, if you’re the parent of a child and you’re gay, it’s probably legal to parent your child before your life partner--who is the biological parent of the child--dies. If you’re a married, Republican State senator with a pregnant wife who ran a family values campaign, it’s legal for you to divorce your pregnant wife ‘cuz--get a load of this--the voters will still elect you again because you’re not gay. JULES That did it, man--I’m fuckin’ goin’ to run as a Republican in West Virginia, that’s all there is to it.
March 8, 2005: Talkin’ Baseball VII And here they are, your 2005 “Coalition Of The Unwilling”: Alex Rodriguez, Third Base. I had first pick. He is a consistent five-category performer (home runs, runs, rbi, stolen bases and average). Alex once asked, “"Why do people sing Take Me Out to The Ballgame when they're already there?" Albert Pujols and Vladimir Guerrero are not nearly this funny.
Carlos Delgado, First Base. My team needs a moral compass. Last season, whenever “God Bless America” played, Carlos Delgado stayed in the dugout. He’s also not afraid to protest the war in Iraq. His incredible run production (42 hr, 145 in 2003) also nicely complements his political activism. He’s my team’s Captain.
Roy Oswalt, Starting Pitcher. I went against conventional wisdom and took him in the third round as the ace of my staff. He’s the Astros’ opening day starter, but he’s humble, and claims he’s “no ace” on the staff that has Roger Clemens.
Marcus Giles, Second Base. This year, Giles makes Atlanta Braves fans forget about Andruw and Chipper Jones. Four words: Final year on contract.
Adam Dunn, Outfield/First Base. The Slugger. Holds the MLB record for most strikeouts in a season. Also tied for second in home runs. He can also run, and he’ll add stolen bases to his resume this season.
Magglio Ordonez, Outfield. He had a knee injury last year, which required season-ending arthroscopic surgery. I took a risk drafting him in the sixth round, but I think it’s a good gamble because he’s a top twenty player when he’s healthy.
Chone Figgins, Shortstop, Second Base, Third Base, Outfielder. He’s a good leadoff hitter, and he should steal forty bases or more. But in hindsight, I should have taken his teammate, Garret Anderson, in this round.
Jason Kendall, Catcher. There is some serious position scarcity at the catcher position. Kendall’s a decent hitter, though. He hits for a good average, which will offset Adam Dunn’s damage from the whiffs. Kendall’s also playing for Billy Beane’s Oakland A’s. And if Billy Beane likes Kendall, then so do I.
Mark Mulder, Starting Pitcher. As someone who’s currently watching every episode of “The X Files,” do I really need any explanation for my pick here?
Greg Maddux, Starting Pitcher. He’s my favorite pitcher. He’s not a top round pick anymore. But he’s still a force at age 39. Just not quite the same force as this guy is at age 42.
John Smoltz, Starting Pitcher. I think I’m stuck in 1995. Another veteran, Smoltz shares my exact birthday, and my same pattern baldness.
Richard Hidalgo, Outfielder. Seth was pitching a pretty good tantrum by this time in the draft.
Coco Crisp, Outfielder. In a perfect draft, Milton Bradley is Coco Crisp’s teammate.
Update 12:50 p.m.: I screwed up my comments index for this post, which is indexed with the comments for yesterday’s post. Sorry about the confusion.
March 7, 2005: The Declassifieds (Or Truth In Advertising In The Help Wanted Section)
March 4, 2005: The Department Of Protecting The Sanctity Of Marriage Rumor has it that President Bush will press for legislation to create a new government agency, which he, himself, has named: The Department of Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage. He’s going to need to pick someone to head the department, and, so, without further ado, let’s cue the Herb Alpert and play the “The Secretary of Protecting The Sanctity of Marriage Dating Game™.”
March 3, 2005: Thou Shalt Derive Thy Government From No Other God During yesterday’s oral argument in the case of Van Orden v. Perry, which involves whether Ten Commandments displays on government property cross the line of separation between church and state, Justice Antonin Scalia offered this remark: And when somebody goes by that monument, I don’t think they’re studying each of the commandments. It’s a symbol of the fact that government comes--derives its authority from God. And that is, it seems to me, an appropriate symbol to be on State grounds. Mr. Chemerinsky [Counsel for Van Orden who challenged the placement of the symbol]: I disagree, Your Honor. For the State to put that symbol between its State Capitol and the State Supreme Court is to convey a profound religious message. If you’re just saying, now, this isn’t there for a secular reason. If someone were there to read this monument, one sees that it emphasizes its religious content. Justice Scalia: It is a profound religious message, but it’s a profound religious message believed in by a vast majority of the American people, just as monotheism is shared by a vast majority of the American people. And our traditions show that there is nothing wrong with the government reflecting that. I mean, we’re a tolerant society religiously, but just as the majority has to be tolerant of minority views in matters of religion, it seems to me the minority has to be tolerant of the majority’s ability to express its belief that government comes from God, which is what this is about. As Justice Kennedy said, turn your eyes away if it’s such a big deal to you. [Italics added]. Ok, Justice Scalia, I understand your reasoning about the religious traditions of most Americans. But if our “government comes from God,” then are you suggesting that George W. Bush is our spiritual leader?
March 2, 2005: This Monday’s Evening Telephone Conversation With My Mother Me: “Hello.” My Mother: “Hellooo.” Me: “What’s going on?” My Mother: “It’s going to snow tonight.” Me: “Uh-huh.” My Mother: “Black ice.” Me: “Uh-huh.” My Mother: “People are crazy out there. They drive like maniacs.” Me: “I’ll be fine, Mom.” My Mother: “How are the kids?” Me: “They’re good.” My Mother: “Oohhhhhhh. . . I miss them so much. Give them a great big kiss from me.” Me: “I will.” My Mother: “And watch out. There’s black ice.” Me: “Ok. I love you.” My Mother: “I love you, too.” Me: “Bye-bye.” It’s been three weeks since we canceled our upper tier cable programming. We obviously have no need for a weather channel in our household.
March 1, 2005: My Supreme Court Nominations
Oprah Winfrey is my first nomination. She’s intelligent, charismatic, thoughtful, and, unlike any of the current sitting justices, Oprah has her own book club. Her confirmation is a lock. Ben Stiller’s ubiquitous these days. Any great ensemble project requires his infusion of talent. Despite his disappointment as emcee of the Oscars™ on Sunday, I’m willing to forgive Chris Rock. His confirmation proceedings will also prove interesting and will provide great entertainment. And I cannot wait to read his opinions on freedom of speech, especially flag burning and pornography. I don’t dig Dr. Phil. But he has strong opinions and he’s going to provoke the healthy and robust debate any good court needs to reach its decisions. Mr. Justice Elmo. Because the court needs a muppet. And because Mr. Noodle needs a real job as Elmo’s clerk. If I recall correctly, I think Robin Williams has written several case opinions. I also need someone on the court who I know will protect a person’s right to choice. Vincent Schiavelli, the man in the middle of the first row, is going to be the Chief Justice on my court. In my book, anyone who has appeared in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” “Fast Times At Ridgemont High,” a James Bond movie, and “The X-Files” deserves this honor. Paris Hilton. I’m going to owe several people favors by this time, and you know this pick is going to result. Finally, I’ve picked Ryan Seacrest. He’s hot, witty and I can’t get enough of him on “American Idol” or his own talk show.
All photographic and written material copyright 2004-2007 by HG. Whee! |
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Hello, Secretorettes. I’m from Texas, y’know that big state shaped like, um, kinda like um, pointy at the bottom, an’ all big in the middle with a little piece stickin’ out there at the top. Remember the Alamode? Heh heh heh. Ok. Well, here in Texas, we’re known for being friendly, and the first thing I wanna hear from you Secreterriers is how you’re gonna greet me on your first day as head of my newly created Department of Protecting The Sanctity of Marriage Department. So come on now, little fillies, and give me one of those great big Lone Star State greetings to me.
Hello, Mr. President. How ya’ doin?
Hey.
Hello, hubby--er, great to see you today,sir.
