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November 28, 2005: Tales From The Electric Menorah It’s only twenty-seven days until Chanukah! That’s right, Chanukah falls on December 25th this year--and what better way to celebrate than with your electric menorah. We received our electric menorah in the mail today. When the delivery person brought it to our house, he rattled the door with such force that it caused my wife and me to emit screams, which, of course, reveals how often we have visitors these days. I must admit, however, that it’s better than watching a pit bull romp around your new neighborhood--but that’s another story. I never had an electric menorah when I was a little boy. Knowing my mother, I suspect she might have worried about my shocking myself with it because, you know, they didn’t have electrical outlet covers back then and, even if they did, I’m sure my mom would have told me some story about some little boy who received some electric menorah for Chanukah and who burned himself on it and, heaven forbid, we don’t want our little boy burning himself with some electric menorah. Now go ahead and help Daddy light those candles, son, and stop whining about not getting that Lite Bright set I don’t want you to have, either. But I’m not bitter. I really dig our electric menorah. I’m not as enthusiatic about its instruction manual, though. To wit, here is the first “Use and Care Instruction” for our new, electric menorah: a) When the product [that’s our electric menorah] is placed on a live tree, the tree should be well maintained and fresh. Do not place on live trees in which the needles are brown or break off easily. Keep the tree holder filled with water. Um. . . . Ok. . . Do you see anything unusual involving this first instruction? I mean, I know people place a lot of unusual things on their Christmas trees, but I don’t think an electric menorah is one of them. And, quite frankly, I don’t know too many Jews who opt for the traditional Christmas tree as their Chanukah decoration of choice. That brings me to the second directive involving care and use of our new, electric menorah, which is: b) If the product is placed on a tree, the tree should be well-secured and stable. Now I’m really scratching my head. Are they really suggesting what I think they’re suggesting: “Hey, honey. . .” “Yes, dear. . .” “Need a little help here. . .” “With what?” “The ladder. Can you hold it for me?” “Oh. . .is it that time already?” “Yeah, electric menorah at the top of our Christmas tree time.” “Cool. You know how I love your Jewish family tradition of placing the electric menorah at the top of the Christmas tree!” “I know. But you gotta be careful. Don’t want to tip that tree!” Maybe I’ll buy myself a Lite Bright set this year. I bet they have a design for an electric menorah. . .with the Christmas tree attachment sold separately.
November 26, 2005: I Dig Sega Genesis, But I’m Not So Sure About The Current Harry Potter Flick I spent several hours playing old Sega Genesis games with my sister this weekend. I stand by my earlier words about great video games. Toe Jam and Earl, Gauntlet and Ms. Pac Man never get old. Madden ‘93 and ‘95 on the other hand. . . . As for Harry Potter, it was a good, not great, flick. My sister isn’t a fan of Harry, but she liked the movie. The last book didn’t work for me, which probably means that it will translate better to film. November 24, 2005: Best Video Games Ever, Part Deux While the new Xbox sells for $800 on Ebay, I’ll continue my list of favorite video games. This list starts with eleven. . . . : 11. Root Beer Tapper (aka “Beer Tapper”) During the bonus round, the “beer dude” shook several cans of the drink and if you picked the one that he didn’t shake, he would tell you that 12. Update 11/26/05: I forgot number twelve when I published this. But Carnival is number twelve now. Because. 13. Burger Time. This one’s also on my Williams “Arcade Classics.” It’s surreal. You control the chef who must prepare hamburgers by dropping buns, lettuce, beef patties and cheese from level to level. Hot dogs and scrambled eggs chase you across the screen--if they catch you, you lose a chef. Keep your pepper handy and you can sprinkle it on the hot dogs and eggs to disable their attack--for a few seconds. You can also crush the eggs and hotdogs by dropping the buns, lettuce, patties and cheese on them. That nets you major points and satisfaction. As I said, it’s surreal, which is why, of course, why I love it. 14. and 15. Elevator Action and Spyhunter. Elevator Action has the crudest graphics of my favorite arcade games. That doesn’t matter. The concept doesn’t fail: Navigate your spy down and out of the building by timing your entry into and out of the up and down elevators. Time your jumps out of the elevator and knock the bad guys out with your kicks. Dodge their bullets and nail them with yours. Then leap into your little red car and get away. Spyhunter, which Jim mentioned in the comments to the previous post, has better graphics than Elevator Action. It also has the best score of any classic video game--and, arguably, of all games. As you drive your car (or boat), the Peter Gunn theme follows. You can release oil slicks, smoke screens and fire missiles. I also enjoy bumping other cars off the road. The drawback of this game is that as a driving game, it doesn’t translate well to the computer if you don’t have the expensive “steering wheel” control. Don’t worry, though, if you have several hours and patience with the keyboard as your only controller. 16. Knockout. This one took more quarters than I care to remember. It’s the classic boxing game, and one of the few that I could never master. Glass Joe was an easy mark. I could also defeat Piston Hurricane with a series of punches to his abdomen. But Bald Bull proved impossible for me to defeat. This game had a big red button--the Knockout button--and I would swat it again and again against Bald Bull. But I never connected. 17. Gauntlet. Mediocre graphics, phenomenal four-person play and a cool voice chip. “Elf’s life force is running out.” Yeah, but “Wizard has eaten all the food lately,” and “Warrior shot the food,” dude. 18. Toe Jam and Earl. A Sega Genesis classic and another game involving an animated hot dog. Yeah, I love the surreal games. 19. Street Fighter. Now fight! This was the reason I got a Sega Genesis. It’s the only game where you can give your opponent a noogie. Best played with a sibling and the perfect game after Thanksgiving dinner! 20. Frogger. Now, tell me, who still wants to pay $800 bucks to play first-person shooters on the Xbox? Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
November 21, 2005: Best Video Games Ever, Part I Microsoft’s new Xbox 360 debuts tomorrow. But I still dig my Atari 2600. Presented in a stream-of-consciousness format are my favorite video games: 1. Ms. Pac Man. The game gets older, but Ms. Pac Man never gets old. It offers more spontaneous play than the original Pac Man, which, after you learned the “pattern” grew tiresome. When I was in law school, the laundromat down the street had a Ms. Pac Man and I could get about an hour’s play for fifty cents. Still can. 2. Dig Dug. I still have no idea what a “Pooka” is, but it sure was fun to pump it full of air and burst him (or her). Like Ms. Pac Man, Microsoft released this game a few years back and I play it from time to time. 3. Mappy. Back in 1983, “scrolling” games were popular and Mappy was one of the genre’s best. You controlled a cat whose goal was to retrieve various objects that several mice had stolen (from where nobody knew). The Mappy cat bounced on trampolines, opened and closed doors, and moved across the screen gathering the televisions, radios and other assorted pixelated objects. But it was the bonus round that really rocked. You had to bounce across the screens and pop balloons. Yeah, I know it probably makes no sense to you. 4. Mario Brothers. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Nintendo of America has ever released the arcade version of this game. If it has, then someone please let me know because I loved knocking those turtles and crabs, especially on the rounds with ice. Yeah, I know that probably also makes no sense, either. 5. Q*Bert. The version for Colecovision was simply amazing and offered the most realistic arcade play in its time. What’s “Colecovision,” you say? Never mind. 6. Ladybug. I played the Colecovision version first. Ladybug resembled the Pac Man games because it also had a maze and the Ladybug gobbled dots while being chased by bugs in place of Pac Man’s ghosts. Ladybug also substituted vegetables as the bonus items, as wells as some revolving doors that you could rotate to block the insects. My sister and I both loved the “Japanese radish” bonus round and we used to sing “Japanese radish” to the tune of the Beatles’ Paperback Writer. But I guess you knew that, right? 7. Skydiver. I promised this would be a stream-of-consciousness approach. My sister and I loved this ancient Atari 2600 game, which featured two stick people jumping out of a stick airplane. The object was to pull your parachute at the last possible second and land on the mark to obtain the maximum ten points for a perfect jump. My sister and I, of course, never cared about the points as much as watching our stick figures crash into the ground when we pulled the chutes too late. I’m still chuckling about this as I type this. 8. Combat. Ditto. Another great Atari 2600 game I played with my sister. 9. Missile Command. I probably need to stop because I can’t believe how many hours I devoted to this one, either. 10. Galaxians. You may laugh at my selections, but in the summer of 2004, my wife got hooked on this one. Yeah, I think I need to stop for now.
November 20, 2005: Just Play, Baby After ten weeks, my Yahoo! football team--Overpaidfreeagents--has a 5-4 record. Some of you may recall that Jim started this league last August, and it includes his wife, as well as fellow bloggers Ian and Spinster Girl. Considering that I haven’t had time to watch more than a quarter of NFL this year, I’m pleased that my team can compete. Even when I stopped blogging earlier this year, it didn’t take me more than a few minutes to play Yahoo! football. Next season, I plan to play in a Yahoo! baseball league. I played in a competitive “winner’s league” this past summer. My team reached the finals where it lost on the final day of the season. I’d like to start a Yahoo! baseball league next spring. If anyone’s interested please e-mail me at expressivecynic@yahoo.com. The more people involved, the better the enjoyment the league will provide.
November 19, 2005: Best Salty Snack Food Ever? They’re so many good and salty snackies. I think it may be time for a new tournament involving potato chips.
November 18, 2005: Imaginary Politics Now here’s a cool game for you, courtesy of BearWaller Hollar and her Rogue Nation of BearWaller. And click here if you’re interested in learning more about the Nomadic Peoples of Donutbuzz and its national animal, the ziktepel. [Update: January 17, 2007: The Nomadic Peoples of Donutbuzz has disbanded as a nation due to the overwhelming apathy of it’s people.]
November 17, 2005: How Much Would You Pay For One Share Of Google Stock? Several folks paid over $400 for it today. Google’s price has quadrupled since its initial public offering in the summer of 2004. It now has a market capitalization of over $112 billion. Let’s place the stock market’s valuation of Google in perspective: It’s worth more than Ebay and Yahoo! combined; It has a market capitalization more than two times that of Kraft Foods; and It’s worth nearly eight times as much as Ford Motor Company. Someone should consider making a documentary about the rise of Google’s stock price. I bet Roger Ebert would give that film his “thumbs up.” November 16, 2005: Freeze Frame While shopping for picture frames this evening, I was struck by the quality of the pictures that are included with the frames. The people in the pictures always look so suave and so beautiful and so handsome and amazing. Even the children in the pictures have that certain je ne sais quoi quality. One of the pictures I noticed showed several young, twenty-something couples out for a stroll. The picture was tilted at an angle and reminded me of MTV’s now-hackneyed The Real World. There is absolutely no way I could take such a picture, I thought. Then I began wondering what it would be like to be a photographer whose job it is to take the pictures that are included with the frames. I started thinking how much staging must be involved with the creation of that tilted snapshot of the young, metropolitan, twenty-something couples: “Ok. . . I need a 5 by 7 look here. . . that’s it. . . tilt it, tilt it. . . NO! NO! NOT 11 by 14. You’re doing 11 by 14. Think 5 by 7! Yes, yes, baby, now you’ve got it. . . .smile. . .gimme that smile that says “Hey, I’m a picture frame model, honey, and you wish your pictures looked as good as the one that comes with this frame.” After reviewing the available frames, of course, we opted for the “Hey, honey, I can’t possibly look any happier for more than a few more seconds because this kid that I’m carrying piggyback is crushing my shoulder blades.”
November 13, 2005: Happy First Birthday, Lydia! Lydia enjoys her “kitty ears” from her Cat’s Meow-themed birthday party. Note the cool Fisher-Price™ Laugh-And-Learn Learning Home in the background (a gift from Grandpa B.). [Update January 17, 2008: I can’t seem to find the picture that accompanied this post.] November 11, 2005: An Open Memo To Network Television Executives Everywhere Re: Your lousy shows From: Another person who is still very bitter over the cancellation of Freaks and Geeks and James at 15 Date: See above I’ve read that you’ve decided not to renew Seventh Heaven and Arrested Development after this season. Congratulations! You’ve finally taken some steps in the right direction toward providing quality entertainment for me and everyone who shares my taste in television programming. But you still have more work to do--much more work. And I don’t want anyone to receive the wrong idea that I’m pleased with the current viewing options on network television. To the contrary, with the exception of Lost and the various Law and Order series, most television shows do not merit their air time. But because I have limited time (and also because I suspect that you have a limited attention span), I’m providing this “short list” of the truly awful shows that merit immediate cancellation: 1. Freddie. Every Wednesday night, at about 8:57 p.m., I tune into my local ABC affiliate station to make sure I don’t miss the start of the Lost, possibly one of the best television dramas ever. Unfortunately, in those few minutes before Lost starts, I also catch Freddie, possibly one of the worst television shows ever. Freddie pairs the incredible acting talents of the eponymous Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Brian Austin Green in a situation comedy. Yeah, I can see that the audience for Lost is definitely the target crowd that’s gonna tune in earlier to watch Freddie. 2. According To Jim. I try to understand how millions of people who--week in and week out--have stomached this tripe since 2001. Then I remember who’s been in the Oval Office since 2001. 3. The Biggest Loser. Another “gem” from our good friends at NBC. Let’s watch overweight people engage in a contest to see who can lose the most weight and be the “Biggest Loser.” Get it? Get It?!? The Biggest Loser! (Have I mentioned how bitter I am over the cancellation of Freaks and Geeks?) 4. America’s Funniest Home Videos. First the good news: Bob Saget’s gone. Now the bad news: Tom Bergeron’s taken his place. Am I missing any others?
November 9, 2005: Never Forget Today marks sixty-seven years since Kristallnacht, a horrible anti-Jewish pogrom that occurred throughout Germany during November 9 and 10, 1938: Hundreds of synagogues all over Germany, including Austria, were vandalized, looted, and destroyed. Many were set ablaze and firemen were instructed to let the synagogues burn but to prevent flames from spreading to nearby structures. The shop windows of an estimated 7,500 Jewish-owned commercial establishments were smashed and the wares within looted. Jewish cemeteries were desecrated. Mobs of SA men roamed the streets, attacking Jews and killing about 100 persons. In despair at the destruction of their homes, many Jews, including entire families, were driven to suicide. [Excerpt from United States Holocaust Memorial Museum website]. In the words of Elie Wiesel, we will never forget.
November 8, 2005: Yes, We’re All Well Aware Of West Virginia’s New Child Seat Safety Law In This Household Next week, Lydia celebrates her one-year birthday. We’re enjoying watching her play with toys, especially a certain John Deere tractor that her brother received for his first birthday. This morning, Seth refused to allow Lydia to ride his tractor. Upon my telling him that he needed to let his sister share the tractor, Seth replied: “No, Nee-Nee, my tractor not have car seat.”
November 7, 2005: Fall Ramblings It was the weekend we planned to rake the leaves. When we bought our house (before we moved and that’s another several more posts from the last couple months I could craft, but, hey, who’s counting, right?) with the bigger front and back yards and smaller upstairs and downstairs, we also inherited a dozen trees and these trees shed more leaves than I do hair--which is saying a lot because I am pretty (hee hee) darn bald and my son now likens the top of my head to a cookie. But allow me to return to the leaves. They don’t stop. They keep falling. And falling. And falling. Like the gas prices in my dreams. So there was only one thing to do. We bought the leaf blower at Wal*Mart. Did I mention our current home is even closer to a Wal*Mart than our previous home? It’s amazing how much Wal*Mart assimiliation has occurred in our household. When I think about it--like right now--I realize it’s a daily or every-other-daily occurrence for either me or my wife to pick up some goodies at our local Wally M’s. It was inevitable, of course, given my own law of ranting, known as Hoytster’s Law, which is to wit: The more one rants against thy perceived social ills of consumerism, the more one finds a hypocrite when he looks into thy mirror. But it’s true. I haven’t shopped at a Krogers in months. Can anyone at your friendly, neighborhood Krogers change your car’s oil, put air in your tires, and sell you a leaf blower while you’re shopping for your Doritos, Little Debbie Cakes and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries? You see my dilemma? Yes, I think you do. Our plan involved us assembling the leaf blower, putting the kids to sleep for their two-hour naps, then using the leaf blower to blow, suck and gather the thousands of leaves that have accumulated in our front and back yards. We succeeded in assembling the leaf blower, and, as anyone familiar with me knows, when I say “we” here I mean my wife succeeded. The kids also settled into their beds without incident. But using the leaf blower proved quite different from our plan. As our luck would have it, our leaf blower blew and sucked more in the figurative--rather than the literal--sense. This, of course, caused us both to remark that it really blew and sucked that our leaf blower didn’t really blow and suck. You would think that a leaf blower that noisy would blow and suck pretty good, too. And you would be wrong. Let this be a reminder never to let your subscription to Consumer Reports lapse. But our disappointment over the leaf blower didn’t dampen our resolve to accomplish something this weekend. We still made an appointment with the Sears portrait studio for the kids’ pictures on Sunday. Sears scheduled us for noon, which translated into real time for our family meant we had to begin getting the kids ready for the photo session at about 9:45 a.m. We dressed Lydia in her new blue dress with black shoes. Seth wore a checkered sweater vest and cordoroy pants. Then, at about 11:15 a.m.--or fifteen minutes before we were to leave for the mall--Seth dragged his fingernails down the right side of Lydia’s face, leaving a mark that would prompt the Sears photographer to say, “Oh, I wish I’d brought my make-up today. . . .” Long story short: Our kids’ pictures looked great anyway. As for the leaves, they still blow. November 5, 2005: Glue Law Blogging For any attorneys who have expertise or interest in the area of “Glue Law,” I thought I’d share this week’s developments: Woman liable for $46,200 to ex-boyfriend for gluing his parts together; and Man sues Home Depot for glue-covered toilet seat. No word yet on what Judge Samuel Alito has to say about this. November 1, 2005: Rabbits Tonight The following conversation occurred in the last couple months during our pending move, my job change, our losing our checkbook, our bank’s bungling our checking accounts, and, of course, the usual madness that attends the raising of two children who both wear diapers: Two-year old son: I want rabbits tonight. Me: What? Two-year old son Seth: Rabbits tonight. I want rabbits tonight, Daddy! Me: What is “rabbits tonight”? Two-year old son Seth: (Screaming now) I WANT RABBITS TONIGHT. WAA-AAH. RABBITS TONIGHT, DADDY! Me: (To my wife, whose url at blogspot was taken over by a porn spammer, the embarrassment of which still haunts me as I type this) What is he saying? My Wife: I don’t know. Two-year old son Seth: Rabbits Tonight. WA-AH. Rabbits tonight, Daddy! Daddy, I want to hear Rabbits Tonight!! Me: What music is he talking about? My Wife: I don’t know what song he’s referring to. Two-year old son Seth: Rabbits tonight, daddy. PLEEEZE. Rabbits tonight! WA-Ah-WAHAHAAAA! Me: Rabbits tonight??!? Two-year old son Seth: I want to listen to Rabbits tonight!! Me: Do you want the orange cd, Seth? Two-year old son Seth: Yes. Me: (To my wife) Find the Millenium Funk Party. He wants Rappers Delight.
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