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Please tell us about your dining experience: expressivecynic [at]yahoo.com |
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November 28, 2006: Mr. Potato Head Goes Kosher Tonight, we broke out the kid’s Hanukkah toys. Last year, we gave Seth a wooden menorah set with a frying pan, spatula, and latkes. He really enjoys pretending he’s cooking us latkes. When we told him we were going to get out the Hanukkah set, he jumped for joy. Lydia really loves her Fisher-Price Hanukkah set. The “little people” wear yarmulkes, which I think is really cool because the little people I played with were all Protestants who had bald-headed fathers with green pants and blond-headed wives with funky eyebrows, and angry little boys with freckles who wore pots on their heads. If only I had played with “little people” who wore yarmulkes, then I might be more well-adjusted today. I did have an original Mr. Potato Head, though. The current version of Mr. Potato Head lacks imagination. The set provides a plastic body with holes for the pieces. That really limits your options. We have “Darth Tater” and it’s like, dude, D.T., you have only three looks. I loved the original MPH because it came with felt eyebrows, little hands and ears, several noses, and, best of all, it encouraged--no, it mandated--you to use real vegetables to make different potato heads. You could put the nose where the mouth went, the eyes on the side of the face and an ear on top of the head, and voila--Picasso’s got nothing on you. And, of course, let’s not forget the corncob pipe that accompanied our special potato head creations, too. If you’re like me, your mom probably smoked while you were in utero, so it didn’t matter too much if your toy had a replica of a smoking apparatus. Today’s toys can’t encourage smoking. That’s why Bratz dolls don’t have cigarettes as accessories. Personally, based on what I’ve seen of Bratz dolls, they sure look like they’ve had several drags of a ciggie in their short time, but I guess that’s my bias. I’m sure the Bratz girls are fine, upstanding young ladies who could teach Darth Tater a lesson about how to use his lightsaber. You know what I think would be cool? I think it would be cool if more toy companies designed actions figures and dolls with yarmulkes. I know it’s too late for me to play with these toys, but it’s not too late to give Mr. Potato Head a yarmulke. That way when you make him into a latke after you’re finished with him, you know your meal’s kosher.
November 22, 2006: Stop The Presses! Match Game is out on dvd! Match Game is out on dvd! MATCH GAME IS OUT ON DVD!!!! GOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-AAAAAA-AAAAA-LLLLLLL LLLLLL! Why didn’t anyone tell me about this earlier?!? Oh, yeah. This is gonna be an awesome Thanksgiving weekend.
November 22, 2006: Ten Things 1. Michael Richards was hilarious as Kramer. But as Michael Richards, he’s a loser. I’ve postponed my purchase of season seven of Seinfeld. 2. Clay Aiken’s new look scares me. 3. Lost remains the best show on television. Law and Order: Criminal Intent is second. 4. The Sesame Street Old School dvd apparently carries a disclaimer for certain scenes that it would not deem appropriate to air these days. I guess kids like me who grew up watching the original episodes weren’t supposed to see these things in the first place. 5. Netflix enjoys asking me how quickly I received my movie when it ships the dvd to me in a day. But when it takes a week for my movie to arrive, Netflix never seems to ask me this question. 6. Wendy’s new vanilla frosty tastes like Dairy Queen’s vanilla shake, but I prefer the Wendy’s one because my nearest Dairy Queen takes ten more minutes to reach than my nearest Wendy’s. 7. With everything available for purchase online, why does everyone continue to shop at “brick and mortar” stores the day after Thanksgiving? 8. I love munching on Slim Jims when I play Texas Hold ‘Em online. 9. I’m very thankful for my family, friends and the freedom I have to publish this crap here. 10. Akeelah and The Bee is a great movie.
November 19, 2006: Better Living Through Art With all the frenzy and ruckus over the new Playstation 3, why doesn’t someone devise a useful rating system for video games? I propose using classic artworks: RATED MUNCH (Video game is sold out and/or stolen from department store)
RATED BRUEGHEL (Sale of video game may cause riots, massacres, headaches, and displaced lawn chairs) RATED DALI (Extended play of video game may result in great temperatures melting watches and/or resulting in cravings for expensive seafood dinners).
November 16, 2006: Fuzzy Math When I visit a courthouse here in West Virginia, I’ll look at pictures of former judges, mayors and officials. I’m fascinated by the different trends in facial hair. As a general rule, most elected officials in West Virginia over the past four decades do not sport mustaches or beards. Most elected officials before the turn of the century, however, not only wore facial hair, but favored incredibly large ZZ Top-like beards. While visiting a certain county today, I saw a portrait of an official who had a beard that covered the entire lower quarter of his face. This man’s beard was so huge that if you were to view it, your brain’s immediate thought would be “Holy Moly, Batman--That’s a mighty huge beard!” I think one of the problems with guy politicians now is that they’re afraid to sport facial hair. I believe the reason for this is that they’ve seen pictures of those judges of yesteryear with the mighty huge beards, handlebar mustaches, and/or sideburns, and they fear the future’s judgment of them will not be kind. Of course, if you choose to grow facial hair that obscures your mouth and the entire lower quadrant of your face and hangs over a foot beneath your chin, you’ll generate sufficient momentum for your campaign that may well offset any negative associations with massive mustaches and/or beards. I also believe that had Al Gore grown his beard before the 2000 election that we might never have heard of hanging chads and would have had a Jewish vice-president by now. Had Al Gore grown a beard, he would have shown America that he isn’t another boring, stiff, conformist politician. After all, do you think anyone would still remember Abraham Lincoln if he hadn’t worn a beard? Perhaps. But being the first president to have facial hair certainly improved his chances at being a great president--and, of course, all the presidents after him through McKinley (except Andrew Johnson) thought it was cool to wear facial hair. Of course, this whole issue of facial hair on our president is a moot issue if a woman becomes president. And that is something that is much longer overdue than having a guy wearing a beard in the White House.
November 12, 2006: Manatee Partee We celebrated Lydia’s second birthday on Saturday. Lydia loves manatees, so we had a manatee-themed party.
November 10, 2006: Paint It Pink I often drive over the 8th Street bridge on my way to work, and I dig the bridge’s new look. I applaud Mayor Felinton’s decision to keep it pink!
November 7, 2006: Homeowner Dilemmas As Rock Band Names The Master Bedroom Fleas MiLdeW ISKODRIOW (a.k.a. “It’s Some Kind of Dead Rodent In Our Wall”) Sofa Crumbs Sinkhole The Mysterious Stink! Electrical Short and The Smokin’ Hot Insulation Rainy Day and The Flooded Basement Rats, Bats and Termites Our Street Light That We Can’t Turn On Because The Previous Owner Built A Wall Over The Light Switch (Fiona Apple version)
November 6, 2006: These Reviews Aren’t On Amazon, Either As the son of a librarian, I should post more about books I enjoy. With my increased responsibilities to my family and work, I often have trouble finding time to read. This year, I’ve managed to read several books that I dig. I’ll share: Stars of David: Prominent Jews Talk About Being Jewish by Abigail Pogrebin The book includes dozens of interviews with celebrities such as Larry King, William Shatner, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Mike Wallace offering their perspectives of what it means to be Jewish, especially in America. I really enjoyed reading this book, and, on occasion, I will re-read it--a hallmark of my favorite books. American Mania: When More Is Not Enough by Peter Whybrow “Enough is,” as Donna Summer sings, “enough.” But “if you’ve had your fill, get the check pay the bill, you can do it”--especially after reading Whybrow’s unique theories on why Americans engage in rampant consumerism. Three Nights In August: Strategy, Heartbreak and Joy Inside The Mind of A Manager by Buzz Bissinger Before Tony LaRussa managed the Cardinals to a World Series victory last month, I mentioned how much I loved this book my mom gave me for Father’s Day. Nothing’s changed. AC/DC: The Savage Tale of The First Standards War by Tom McNichol Ordinarily, I would never have any interest in a book about electricity. But this book does have a colon in its title, and I suppose that subconsciously that colon persuaded me to check AC/DC out of the library last week. I was not disappointed. You don’t have to be an electrical engineer to love this book that recounts the battle between Thomas Edison and George Westinghouse to claim dominance over the electrical market.
November 4, 2006: I’m Still Cynical About Our Political Process The various campaigns have especially annoyed me this year. We’ve received several mailings from candidates for West Virginia’s House of Delegates. This is in addition to the dozens of political signs dotting the landscapes of the roads between my home and the office. The other day, I even spotted a few of the candidates waving to passing motorists. How these candidates expect anyone to make an informed decision about their views based on their ability to smile and wave causes me concern--especially when temperatures are near freezing. Candidates will continue to amaze me with their antics. After next week’s election, I’m certain that nothing’s going to change the wisdom expressed in the following quotations I selected and published here almost two years ago: “The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, ‘Where is the best place to go to?’ He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages—heaven for climate, and hell for society.” -- Mark Twain “Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.” -- John Kenneth Galbraith “Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.” -- George Bernard Shaw “It took nine years, and a great depression, and two wars ending in defeat, and one surrender without war, to break my faith in the benign power of the press. Gradually I came to realize that people will more readily swallow lies than truth, as if the taste of lies was homey, appetizing: a habit.” -- Martha Gellhorn “You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.” -- Joseph E. Levine “I do not deny the possibility that the people may err in an election; but if they do, the true [cure] is in the next election, and not in the treachery of the person elected.” -- Abraham Lincoln “The lowest form of popular culture—lack of information, misinformation, disinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people’s lives—has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.” -- Carl Bernstein “Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed.” -- Mao Zedong “Laws can embody standards; governments can enforce laws—but the final task is not a task for government. It is a task for each and every one of us. Every time we turn our heads the other way when we see the law flouted—when we tolerate what we know to be wrong—when we close our eyes and ears to the corrupt because we are too busy, or too frightened—when we fail to speak up and speak out—we strike a blow against freedom and decency and justice.” -- Robert F. Kennedy “Now that the election is over, may not all, having a common interest, re-unite in a common effort, to save our common country?” -- Abraham Lincoln Have a safe and happy election day. Gobble gobble. |
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You can go with the hel met and cap e, you can go with the hel met on the head, and you can go naked. You can’t even place the light saber in the D.T.’s ear. What fun is that? Seth and Lydia played with D.T. for about twenty minutes, and now he’s firmly ensconced somewhere in the back of one of their closets. Knowing how limited his fashion options are, I doubt he’ll be coming out of there anytime soon.
RATED VAN GOGH (Video game may cause self-mutilation, isolation and/or still lifes)
