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September 30, 2006
1) My son asked me to make it; 2) He also requested a depiction of a specific person using it; and 3) I’m not posting a picture of the second thing. But, yes, I did make that, as well.
September 28, 2006: An Open Letter To Hasbro Dear Hasbro: I dig me some Play-Doh. I have for as long as I can remember. I love the feel of Play-Doh. I love its texture. And I love its smell. Yes, that beautiful smell. . .it’s so good I wish I could spray its fragrance on me right now. But I digress. Listen. I’ve been buying Play-Doh for my kids in the past year. And I have a simple question: What’s up with the smaller Play-Doh containers these days? I mean, I love the fancy, new luminous colors you’ve designed for Play-Doh. And my son and daughter both dig playing with the compounds. But, if my recall is correct, the containers for Play-Doh I remember from my youth. . .well. . .they were much bigger. In fact, I remember one time going into a K-Mart and seeing these ginormous containers for some blue Play-Doh. And by ginormous, I mean the size of container that you would now see holding the extra-large nacho sauce when you shop at the Wal*Mart because last I checked the K-Mart doesn’t carry the nacho sauce, or, if it does, it isn’t in that ginormous size. Of course, I never buy the extra-large nacho sauce because we don’t have the cabinet space for it, and, truth told, I don’t think our can opener has the power to open it. But you don’t need a kitchen cabinet or a can opener for an extra-large can of Play-Doh, right? Do you see what I’m saying? I suppose our family can keep buying numerous packages of the small containers of Play-Doh. But don’t you think it would be easier if you would simply manufacture a larger size package for Play-Doh--maybe a gallon or so--and sell it at a multiple equal to buying several small containers? Personally, I think this is a business opportunity better than licensing the Play-Doh fragrance. Whether or not you listen to my suggestion, please know that my family and I will continue to enjoy your Play-Doh and its wonderful smell. Cordially, Hoyt P.S. When is Hasbro going to develop a Lost-themed Monopoly edition? I really would dig having something like that to play with my buddies.
September 23, 2006: Violating My One Post Per Day Rule This marks my third post today. I rarely post more than one time per day. I think I’ve posted twice in one day three times since I started blogging back in January, 2004. It must be something I’ve eaten. I need to go back and figure out what it is that I’ve consumed in the past day that’s causing me to keep posting. At least I know I don’t have to worry about the spinach.
September 25, 2006: Tattoo You Jim has shared a really cool link to a tattoo generator. Although I enjoyed making the tattoos, I was not able to find one that captured the essence of this site. Fortunately, thanks to some help from my wife, Donutbabe, we were able to create an appropriate tattoo for my new banner. (Note: Any similarity to my actual biceps is purely coincidental).
September 25, 2006: 15 Ways To Bother Me 1. Drive five miles under the speed limit on a one-lane road without letting me pass. 2. Tell me something--something that you’ve told me several times this day--several more times today, several more times tomorrow, and several more times next week. 3. Have one of your flatulence attacks while you’re standing next to me in a crowded elevator. 4. Jump on top of my big screen television after I leave the room. 5. Scream “I’m quiet now” for twenty consecutive minutes. 6. Interrupt my precious family time by accosting me in my front yard and asking me to vote for you in the primary. 7. And ask me to display one of your tacky, political signs in my front yard. 8. Praise anything Dr. Phil does. 9. Defend the State of New Jersey. 10. Pre-empt Lost for anything other than news of an asteroid about to strike our planet. 11. Outside of a Scrabble™ game, use any of the following words in a conversation with me: Forthwith, Behoove, and Proactive. 12. Tell me to wear a mascot costume in ninety degree weather with 100% humidity. 13. Make the best spaghetti I have ever tasted, then pack up and close your restaurant. 14. Break your promise without giving me a valid reason for breaking it. 15. Call me Ishmael.
September 24, 2006: West Virginia Bloggers Jackie of Saved By The Torso has started a message board for West Virginia Bloggers. Check it out!
September 23, 2006: Bald Is Beautiful Discuss.
September 23, 2006: The Forbes 400 Click here for information on all your favorite billionaires! Don’t bother if you’re looking for anyone who resides in West Virginia-- because there’s nobody in our state on the list. Sorry, Jack.
September 22, 2006: Pioneers I want to address the spinach again. It’s been bothering me the whole week. I still don’t understand why anyone would want to eat spinach. Spinach doesn’t look appetizing. Spinach doesn’t smell particularly delicious. Why would someone decide to eat spinach? But someone did. And that person was a pioneer. When you mention “pioneer” these days, most people think of Lewis & Clark or Watson and Crick or Dr. Phil and Oprah. But when I hear “pioneer,” I think of the unsung heroes-- the ones who made unique discoveries about our world and ourselves. These are the people who looked at plants that nobody else on earth would ever imagine were fit for human consumption and thought “Man, dude, how cool would it be to eat and/or smoke that!” Yes, Virginia, millions of people enjoy cigarettes now, but we should always remember that smoking began with one person, who, truth told, was a contrarian.
Then I start thinking about the spinach again and that leads me to the next natural consequence of that thought: Competitive eating. Somewhere, somehow, Kobayashi discovered that he had an amazing ability to eat dozens of hot dogs in under fifteen minutes. But what I want to know is how? How did he learn he had this talent? Did his parents notice it? Because I would hate to imagine that either one or both of our children might have an amazing ability to consume mass quantities of food and deprive any of them of the opportunity to use this skill to earn a livelihood. Most parents want to plan for their children’s college education, but I think the true pioneering parents will seek out opportunities for their children and help them develop those skills others may not realize in themselves. That being said, I’m still not going to encourage our kids to eat spinach if they don’t like it.
September 20, 2006: I Really Appreciate The Offer, But, Um, No Thanks In eight days, our family will mark our one-year anniversary in our current home. Unlike our previous home (a.k.a., The One With The Tiny Yard), our current home features bedrooms with a clear view of the bathroom. And after we put our kids to bed, I had to use the bathroom. I closed the door, and no sooner had I started to do my business when my son asks: Daddy, do you want me to help you wipe? Not now, kiddo, I thought. But please feel free to ask me again in forty years.
September 18, 2006: Bagged Spinach They’re pulling bagged spinach from the grocery shelves. That’s bad news for spinach lovers. But it’s good news for me. I hate spinach. My sister loves spinach. She’s loved it ever since she first watched Popeye eat it. I hate Popeye, too. He has an anger managment problem. After seventy years, don’t you think it’s time he found an alternative solution to violence to address his problems? I’m also troubled by Popeye’s arms. They’re large. Too large. I heard a rumor that even Barry Bonds was concerned about their size. But let me get back to the spinach. I don’t know why anyone would have a natural inclination to eat it. I can understand someone wanting to eat a Twinkie™ or a Cheeto® or a pork rind. Although these snacks don’t appear in nature, you won’t convince me that they’re more unnatural than spinach. Deep down in your heart, you know the truth, too: You’d rather eat a Twinkie™ any day over that bagged spinach. Don’t deny it. And, by the way, I’m not aware of anyone getting E. Coli from bagged snack food.
September 17, 2006: More Television Shows Meriting Release On DVD Everwood. The good news: You can watch the first season on dvd. The bad news: There are still no plans for the following three seasons. Thanks, Flapjam, for hooking me and the wife on this show! One Day At A Time. Sure, it features the pre-Eddie Van Halen, Valerie Bertinelli and the incredibly underrated Bonnie Franklin. But don’t forget the amazing supporting cast, either: Richard Masur. Ron Rifkin. Shelly Fabares. Howard Hesseman. And, of course, the coach from Porky’s. Why no studio has released this Norman Lear classic--that ran almost nine years--remains a mystery to me. Love, American Style. And on a star-spangled night, my love (my love come to me). . . . You can rest your head on my shoulder. It would be even better with this in the dvd player. Twin Peaks. Technically, the first season (without the pilot) has been released on dvd. But there are apparently issues with that. It’s not clear to me when the second season will arrive. It’s not soon enough for me.
September 14, 2006: THE WIGGLES ARE COMING! I found out today that The Wiggles are coming to Huntington, West Virginia on November 10. My friend tells me the tickets go on sale tomorrow. WIGGLES. IN. HUNTINGTON. Am I psyched? Oh yeah. I can’t tell the kids how psyched I am. But if you were here, and you were to ask me how psyched I am to see Anthony, Murray, Greg and Jeff in concert, I would tell you: I’m effin’ psyched. You know how great it is watching those Wiggles dance to Ride, Captain Feathersword? Do you know how awesome it is to watch Murray jam out to Where’s Jeff? Do you understand how frickin’ cool it is to see Jeff snooze in person? DO YOU?!? Man, I cannot, I repeat, I cannot think of anything cooler to purchase than Wiggles’ tickets--except for maybe these...but those won’t arrive until later this year. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my lawn chair and buy a new lighter. . . .
September 13, 2006: Message To Tom Jones Ditch your beard, dude. Whoah, whoah, whoah. Ditch your beard, dude. [Repeat, lather, shave, rinse. Repeat.]
September 11, 2006: Ask The Three-Year-Old Q: Seth, why did you color on the wall? A: Because I didn’t have any paper. Q: Seth, why did you put your hands in the toilet? A: Because I’m not four yet.
September 10, 2006: Glut While at my in-laws this weekend, I chatted with my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law is a libertarian in the mold of Rush Limbaugh who loves listening to Howard Stern, who, when asked to determine how long it would take someone to fall from one end of the earth to the other if the earth’s core cooled and a hole could be drilled to allow one to pass through can give you the answer before dinner. Needless to say, although I seldom agree with my brother-in-law on many issues, I do enjoy discussing things with him. This weekend, my brother-in-law and I discussed dvds--specifically, the ones we like and the ones we buy. Last Christmas, we gave him box sets of Married With Children and Three’s Company. He also has the first several seasons of Seinfeld, as do I, but he does not hoard The Simpsons releases on dvd. My brother-in-law asked me if I ever watched any of my dvds more than once because he couldn’t think of any that he did. I told him that I often watch The Natural, Pulp Fiction, The Godfather and, in fact, if there’s a dvd in my collection, I’ve seen it. But as I related this, I realized that the more dvds I purchase, the less time I have to devote to watching them. In fact, like most other things I enjoy--music, books, or television shows--I usually spend time on no more than three to five of my favorites. As our discussion continued, I realized that my ability to acquire information and material has outstripped my ability to consume it. I’m sure that marketers have realized this long ago, but they don’t care if we use the products they sell us as long as we buy them. In truth, selling dvds to consumers who have seen the television shows and/or movies has to rank as one of the greatest marketing coups ever. Why should anyone really believe that he needs to own every season of The Simpsons? Collecting every season of The Simpsons--eight releases to date, with another ten at least to go--takes time. At that point, buying all the seasons of The Simpsons on dvd would represent collecting for its own sake. And watching every episode more than a couple times is something I don’t have time to do. According to my brother-in-law, it only takes 42 minutes to travel from one end of the earth to another if one could pass through the earth under the conditions I described. That’s pretty cool, I think, because that’s about the time it takes to watch a commercial-free episode of Lost on dvd.
September 7, 2006: I Don’t Own An X-Box Or PlayStation, But. . . . The Holywriter offers a cool list of video games he’s beaten. Last November, I posted a list of my favorite retro video games. On the rare occasion, I still enjoy playing some “newer” games. Here’s my list of them: 1. Age of Empires/Age of Kings. Microsoft knows conquest. Empires is the first game I played online--and, for that matter, the last multi-player one, too. The last time I played, a hacker prevented me from completing the game and my cursor disappeared off the map. 2. Sim City 3000 Unlimited. A.K.A. “How I spent 1998.” 3. Rollercoaster Tycoon. The episode of South Park that parodies this game is almost as fun as the game itself. Almost. 4. Zoo Tycoon. I always spend time maintaining the pandas exhibit. It’s a money pit, but the baby panda is pretty awesome. 5. Civilization. I think this is on The Holywriter’s list. A.K.A. “How I spent my 1997.” 6. The Sims. I like this game, but every time I play it, I think, “Why am I devoting my time to creating a pretend life for a computer character when I could be spending time on something else like, say, my own life?” But then, how does one assign a relative value to any activity in life? With Q*Bert, you never had to worry about these existential dilemmas. 7. Grand Theft Auto: Miami. In truth, this game should rank first on the list, but I’ve only played it once on a relative’s Playstation, it was for three hours during Thanksgiving at my in-laws, I didn’t talk to anybody else in the room while I was playing it, and now I’m not allowed to have a game system.
September 6, 2006: No Spit, Sherlock One occupational hazard of practicing law is that your work on a case may sometimes anger someone. Sometimes, it’s your client. Sometimes, it’s the opposing client. And sometimes it’s your client, the opposing client, and the opposing client’s lawyer(s). Most lawyers I’ve practiced against understand my role as an attorney and don’t take my zealous advocacy for my clients as a personal attack on them. I wish I could say the same for all of the opposing parties. Without mentioning specifics, I can state without question that my family and I have had to avoid eating at a certain dining establishment in our area for fear that a certain someone who works there will spit in our food. Ethics prevents me from mentioning any more information on the who, what, where and when. Suffice it to say that my wife--who usually rolls her eyes at me when I suggest the less-than-noble possibilities of others--suggested the possibility that someone in the kitchen (not with Dina) at this fine dining establishment had tainted our family’s food with a foreign matter that was not an actual ingredient in any of our meals. I later requested confirmation of this possibility with the person having information on this matter, and, although this person would neither confirm or deny said possibility, it was this person’s failure to confirm or deny that left me gasping at the possibility that my entree was, indeed, cooked with a stranger’s saliva. Complain all you want about cooking your dinners. I loved washing our dishes tonight.
September 5, 2006: School Daze Seth had his first, official day of pre-school today. We’ve spent the last few weeks preparing him for it. Until the past month, my wife and I worried whether he would master his toilet training. After he used the potty on his own, we bought him a backpack. When he entered his classroom, one of the teachers showed him the wall where all the other children’s backpacks hung, and he took off his and placed it on the hook beneath his name. Outside, I noticed a couple parents taking photographs of their children. I wish I had remembered our camera, but my wife and I spent all our preparation making sure we made it to the school on time. See, I stopped at work first because I needed to take care of some important matters at the place-whose-name-must-not-be-blogged. Then sometime between the call from someone-whose-name-must-not-be-blogged-here-either-on-this- weblog and my usual morning talk with my very cool co-workers-whose-names-must-also-not-be-blogged, my wife called to tell me that she couldn’t find the car keys, and Seth’s going to be late for his first day of pre-school, and now that I mention that I remember that I need to pay that parking ticket from Charleston and watch the outtakes from the second season Lost dvd at I purchased at Target tonight. Seth enjoyed his first day of school. He cried a little. Truth told, though, I think I cried more than he did--at least in the first ten minutes after we left him. I’ve written this before, but I’ll repeat: I can’t believe how fast the last several years have passed. Time rushes faster now. It’s for this reason that I don’t anticipate anything anymore. Next month, Lost starts a new season? And I’ll look up and it will be October 3. I don’t remember my first day of pre-school. I do remember one day, though. It was the day that I played the Big Bad Wolf in a skit. Bradley played one of the Three Little Pigs. And after the skit ended, Bradley broke character, pounced, and began beating me on my back with his fists. The teacher and kids just watched. I’m convinced this event marks the beginning of my cynicism about the world and my progressive political leanings. Politics and cynicism aside, today went well for Seth. And to Bradley, wherever you are, thanks for teaching me something about life--but not so much thanks for that big scratch that you left on my face that you can see in my school picture from nursery school.
September 2, 2006: My Food Pyramid Redux "He had terrible bad habits. He had a diet largely of sausages and waffles. . . .” So? He lived to 112. It’s all the more reason to savor your beer and favorites snackies while watching the ‘Eers and the Herd battle this afternoon. And it’s exactly why I’m sticking with my food pyramid:
September 1, 2006: Strike A Pose
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Sometimes, the decision to be a pioneer can have unintended and disastrous consequences. As a parent, I often wonder if I’m encouraging our children to develop their skills. But how do I know what innate talents they have? On the one hand, I want to be cautious. I don’t want to teach our kids to pop out their eyeballs and have them develop eye problems that our insurance cannot handle. On the other hand, who am I to decide that this isn’t a skill I should encourage if, in fact, our children have the ability to make their eyes pop out of their heads?
